Worried about divorce bomb drop coming soon...

I sense an upcoming separation or divorce bomb drop from my wife coming in the next 2 months. I’m looking for advice on the best strategy or course of action, with my goals being (1) preserve our marriage (or evolve our marriage so we are both happy and fulfilled); and (2) regardless of what happens to my marriage, make sure I work on my own happiness and well-being, so I can handle whatever comes my way.

Some brief background: Both late 30s, 3 small kids (youngest age 3), moved 2 years ago away from family. Disruptive to my wife’s part-time career which was a very meaningful part of her life.

We went to marriage counseling last fall, and at the same time I went to individual therapy. In MC, we mostly covered 4 issues:

1. I was pressuring my wife for affection and intimacy (we were at about once a month). I never got overly physical. I admit to being frustrated, mostly because she would tell me she wanted intimacy, but then sometimes go 2 months rejecting or just showing no interest, which felt like mixed messages to me. I initiated some talks with her that went sideways and ended with her crying — no yelling or name-calling, but I know she felt pressure and hence like I was shaming or blaming her. We agreed in couples that I would not initiate sex, and that for awhile we would go to bed at different times so she didn’t have to worry I would try to initiate anything.
2. I had recently grabbed my oldest son a bit aggressively when he was hitting my younger one, and it scared him. I admitted this was inappropriate and that I would stop.
3. My wife also requested I be more helpful around the house with the kids and chores, and I implemented the specific changes she asked, although I think it made little difference.
4. Later in MC, my wife asked for some affection, and complained I was being distant. The implication was that I was doing this to punish her, but in reality I felt like she had complete control of our physical affection. I felt awkward initiating anything - a kiss, hug, anything. It got super awkward. At one point we had an agreement where I could ask her to hold hands… and when I tried it a couple times she rejected me and said it was too weird.

In individual therapy I was working on my anxiety about the situation, and also how to open up communication. Our couples therapist had told us not to talk about serious things outside therapy, which my wife took very seriously, so it was hard to really talk about anything.

We stopped couples in January as our therapist was not effective and actually missed a couple appointments. From then on, things have gotten very weird. I would periodically try to talk to my wife at night (after kids were in bed) and she would be very prickly and basically angry. She accused me of hiding finances or having an affair, both of which were untrue. I printed out a detailed spreadsheet of all our finances that night. I just tried to sort of calm things down. But she didn’t really seem to want to talk calmly and I backed off. We went on vacation in March and had a great time with the kids but barely talked at all about anything. When we got back, I found some evidence she was unhappy in our marriage and maybe considering divorce, and perhaps thought I had a personality disorder. Internally I freaked out. One night we went on a date, and coming home I pulled the car over and became histrionic about how upset I was about the marriage and the role I played in things. She was scared that I was going to drive the car off the road and just said “Can we please go home?” I agreed later that night to go back to individual therapy.

I wrote a few letters and e-mails in the weeks afterward apologizing for things. I apologized for being emotionally abusive especially on the intimacy side, and for the overly physical episode with my son. I felt awful, like I was 100% responsible for things falling apart. The letters were kind of over-the-top, but they also communicated how I was committed to building our future together and that I loved her. I know now from advice I probably should have been a bit more restrained and not sounding so needy and desperate.

Lately we have fuzzy plans to go to couples again in June or July, but I expect this may be the place she drops the bomb. I feel like I've pressed for couples, but she seems pretty neutral which is very different from the first time we went where she sounded motivated to work on our issues. She started individual therapy herself 2 months ago. She has communicated nothing about wanting to work on or improve our relationship, which makes me think our goals are not aligned. She hasn’t said ILY in 4 months. No affection other than a daily hug in 4 months. Spends a lot of time on her phone, texting friends I assume.

Here’s my problem. I’m not sure how I should be viewing this situation, and I’m trying to come up with the best strategy for my well-being and (ideally) the health of my marriage. She is so uncommunicative right now, but things are clearly broken between us.

Options:

A) I am an emotional and physical abuser. In this case, I should respect that she is going to walk away in a few months, and may take action to protect the kids and herself. And I should work on myself seriously in individual therapy to avoid doing this ever again.

• I have done some things that would qualify as abusive. But honestly I have read books about it, and I just don’t see myself as an abuser, as I don’t really try to control her. She may FEEL controlled, though. I’m just really conflicted here, as I don’t exhibit the regular patterns of abuse. I feel like some of the stuff between my wife and I is martial conflict and not abuse, and we just don’t have the tools/skills to work through the conflict. Obviously getting physical in any way with the kids is not okay, but again that was a one-time incident. I’ve never hit my wife, I don’t call her names, I let her go see friends and family whenever she wants, I don’t control her spending, I don’t ask her questions about who she texts or calls.

B) She is having an affair that I don’t know about.

• I know this is all-too-common. I just don’t see it. She does have very strong morals & values, not to mention logistically being a SAHM with 3 kids I don’t see how she could be doing that.
• If this was the case, it would be a deal-breaker for me.

C) We are having marital conflict, and I need to take control of my own happiness instead of worrying about the outcome.

• This would be the Divorce Busting technique, perhaps a bit RP. This one makes me uncomfortable, but as someone who a month ago felt 100% responsible for things falling apart, it might bring me closer to a 50/50% view of who is responsible in the relationship. I feel like this would be most helpful for my self-esteem, but perhaps not best for the marriage.
• Example: Rather than hanging around at night seeing if wife wants to talk, go exercise, do a hobby, call a friend, etc.

D) She is having a mid-life crisis, or is depressed, and may be pointing to our marriage as the source of her unhappiness.

• In this case, I see little I can do. I could go the route of falling all over myself trying to please her (more chores, more taking care of kids, cooking), but when we tried this in the fall it made no difference. I will say I am working on doing some of those things now, but only because I feel like I should be doing more, not with the goal in mind of pleasing her. Maybe in her individual therapy she would sort things out.

I guess I feel like in all these options, there is nothing I can do other than work on my own happiness and well-being. Stop being so co-dependent, create my own happiness. It feels so hopeless.

Is there any other option?

​

TLDR: Wife about to drop a divorce/separation bomb. What do I do given I want to salvage things, but she is so uncommunicative? (Note: her mindset may be that I am abusive in which case I know there is little I can do - more interested in other options).

Submitted May 06, 2019 at 05:32PM

I sense an upcoming separation or divorce bomb drop from my wife coming in the next 2 months. I’m looking for advice on the best strategy or course of action, with my goals being (1) preserve our marriage (or evolve our marriage so we are both happy and fulfilled); and (2) regardless of what happens to my marriage, make sure I work on my own happiness and well-being, so I can handle whatever comes my way.Some brief background: Both late 30s, 3 small kids (youngest age 3), moved 2 years ago away from family. Disruptive to my wife’s part-time career which was a very meaningful part of her life.We went to marriage counseling last fall, and at the same time I went to individual therapy. In MC, we mostly covered 4 issues:I was pressuring my wife for affection and intimacy (we were at about once a month). I never got overly physical. I admit to being frustrated, mostly because she would tell me she wanted intimacy, but then sometimes go 2 months rejecting or just showing no interest, which felt like mixed messages to me. I initiated some talks with her that went sideways and ended with her crying — no yelling or name-calling, but I know she felt pressure and hence like I was shaming or blaming her. We agreed in couples that I would not initiate sex, and that for awhile we would go to bed at different times so she didn’t have to worry I would try to initiate anything.I had recently grabbed my oldest son a bit aggressively when he was hitting my younger one, and it scared him. I admitted this was inappropriate and that I would stop.My wife also requested I be more helpful around the house with the kids and chores, and I implemented the specific changes she asked, although I think it made little difference.Later in MC, my wife asked for some affection, and complained I was being distant. The implication was that I was doing this to punish her, but in reality I felt like she had complete control of our physical affection. I felt awkward initiating anything - a kiss, hug, anything. It got super awkward. At one point we had an agreement where I could ask her to hold hands… and when I tried it a couple times she rejected me and said it was too weird.In individual therapy I was working on my anxiety about the situation, and also how to open up communication. Our couples therapist had told us not to talk about serious things outside therapy, which my wife took very seriously, so it was hard to really talk about anything.We stopped couples in January as our therapist was not effective and actually missed a couple appointments. From then on, things have gotten very weird. I would periodically try to talk to my wife at night (after kids were in bed) and she would be very prickly and basically angry. She accused me of hiding finances or having an affair, both of which were untrue. I printed out a detailed spreadsheet of all our finances that night. I just tried to sort of calm things down. But she didn’t really seem to want to talk calmly and I backed off. We went on vacation in March and had a great time with the kids but barely talked at all about anything. When we got back, I found some evidence she was unhappy in our marriage and maybe considering divorce, and perhaps thought I had a personality disorder. Internally I freaked out. One night we went on a date, and coming home I pulled the car over and became histrionic about how upset I was about the marriage and the role I played in things. She was scared that I was going to drive the car off the road and just said “Can we please go home?” I agreed later that night to go back to individual therapy.I wrote a few letters and e-mails in the weeks afterward apologizing for things. I apologized for being emotionally abusive especially on the intimacy side, and for the overly physical episode with my son. I felt awful, like I was 100% responsible for things falling apart. The letters were kind of over-the-top, but they also communicated how I was committed to building our future together and that I loved her. I know now from advice I probably should have been a bit more restrained and not sounding so needy and desperate.Lately we have fuzzy plans to go to couples again in June or July, but I expect this may be the place she drops the bomb. I feel like I've pressed for couples, but she seems pretty neutral which is very different from the first time we went where she sounded motivated to work on our issues. She started individual therapy herself 2 months ago. She has communicated nothing about wanting to work on or improve our relationship, which makes me think our goals are not aligned. She hasn’t said ILY in 4 months. No affection other than a daily hug in 4 months. Spends a lot of time on her phone, texting friends I assume.Here’s my problem. I’m not sure how I should be viewing this situation, and I’m trying to come up with the best strategy for my well-being and (ideally) the health of my marriage. She is so uncommunicative right now, but things are clearly broken between us.Options:A) I am an emotional and physical abuser. In this case, I should respect that she is going to walk away in a few months, and may take action to protect the kids and herself. And I should work on myself seriously in individual therapy to avoid doing this ever again.I have done some things that would qualify as abusive. But honestly I have read books about it, and I just don’t see myself as an abuser, as I don’t really try to control her. She may FEEL controlled, though. I’m just really conflicted here, as I don’t exhibit the regular patterns of abuse. I feel like some of the stuff between my wife and I is martial conflict and not abuse, and we just don’t have the tools/skills to work through the conflict. Obviously getting physical in any way with the kids is not okay, but again that was a one-time incident. I’ve never hit my wife, I don’t call her names, I let her go see friends and family whenever she wants, I don’t control her spending, I don’t ask her questions about who she texts or calls.B) She is having an affair that I don’t know about.I know this is all-too-common. I just don’t see it. She does have very strong morals & values, not to mention logistically being a SAHM with 3 kids I don’t see how she could be doing that.If this was the case, it would be a deal-breaker for me.C) We are having marital conflict, and I need to take control of my own happiness instead of worrying about the outcome.This would be the Divorce Busting technique, perhaps a bit RP. This one makes me uncomfortable, but as someone who a month ago felt 100% responsible for things falling apart, it might bring me closer to a 50/50% view of who is responsible in the relationship. I feel like this would be most helpful for my self-esteem, but perhaps not best for the marriage.Example: Rather than hanging around at night seeing if wife wants to talk, go exercise, do a hobby, call a friend, etc.D) She is having a mid-life crisis, or is depressed, and may be pointing to our marriage as the source of her unhappiness.In this case, I see little I can do. I could go the route of falling all over myself trying to please her (more chores, more taking care of kids, cooking), but when we tried this in the fall it made no difference. I will say I am working on doing some of those things now, but only because I feel like I should be doing more, not with the goal in mind of pleasing her. Maybe in her individual therapy she would sort things out.I guess I feel like in all these options, there is nothing I can do other than work on my own happiness and well-being. Stop being so co-dependent, create my own happiness. It feels so hopeless.Is there any other option?​TLDR: Wife about to drop a divorce/separation bomb. What do I do given I want to salvage things, but she is so uncommunicative? (Note: her mindset may be that I am abusive in which case I know there is little I can do - more interested in other options).