Why am I not more into this woman?

I recently started dating a woman who, on paper, should be everything I want. She is pretty, smart, fun, athletic, a great communicator, and shares so many interests with me that it's almost scary. We get each other's references, love doing all the same things, make each other laugh, and have great physical chemistry. And yet... There is something holding me back. When we spend time together, I have fun. I feel cared for and cared about, and she acts in an open way. But I find that my own emotions are reserved when they come to her, and I just don't want to reciprocate in the same way she provides. It's weird to me, exactly because there is so much I like and respect about this woman.

As I examine my own past, the women I have most been into were much more difficult and, well, high maintenance. I was married for a long time to an unpredictable, somewhat cold, and emotionally reactive woman who made me feel for most of that marriage that everything bad in the relationship was my fault. Following my divorce, the woman for whom I fell hardest was emotionally reserved and difficult to predict, and eventually broke things off based on a pretty fundamental factual omission; the kind that is almost, but not quite, a lie. And, even knowing that woman wasn't right for me because she would have hurt me much worse had we stayed together longer, I still think about her fairly often.

I'm pretty sure my own baggage is part of the answer here. I have found someone who, at least right now, appears to be a pretty damn strong candidate for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. And yet I still hold back, even recognizing all the good things I feel when with her. It's incredibly frustrating and I'm trying to think through what my next steps should be.

Has anyone gone through something similar before? Good results? Bad results? What changed? What didn't?

Submitted May 06, 2019 at 03:34PM

I recently started dating a woman who, on paper, should be everything I want. She is pretty, smart, fun, athletic, a great communicator, and shares so many interests with me that it's almost scary. We get each other's references, love doing all the same things, make each other laugh, and have great physical chemistry. And yet... There is something holding me back. When we spend time together, I have fun. I feel cared for and cared about, and she acts in an open way. But I find that my own emotions are reserved when they come to her, and I just don't want to reciprocate in the same way she provides. It's weird to me, exactly because there is so much I like and respect about this woman.As I examine my own past, the women I have most been into were much more difficult and, well, high maintenance. I was married for a long time to an unpredictable, somewhat cold, and emotionally reactive woman who made me feel for most of that marriage that everything bad in the relationship was my fault. Following my divorce, the woman for whom I fell hardest was emotionally reserved and difficult to predict, and eventually broke things off based on a pretty fundamental factual omission; the kind that is almost, but not quite, a lie. And, even knowing that woman wasn't right for me because she would have hurt me much worse had we stayed together longer, I still think about her fairly often.I'm pretty sure my own baggage is part of the answer here. I have found someone who, at least right now, appears to be a pretty damn strong candidate for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. And yet I still hold back, even recognizing all the good things I feel when with her. It's incredibly frustrating and I'm trying to think through what my next steps should be.Has anyone gone through something similar before? Good results? Bad results? What changed? What didn't?