[30F] Adding sex into the equation is an instant kiss of death. How do I navigate this?

It seems like sex is consistently what kills off any relationship i’m starting or entertaining, and I’m so confused about how to handle this. I am a very sexual person, so I have to make a pretty significant effort to not give in to temptations, because I really really just want to get to know someone and I’m happy to have all of that stuff come later. But I've been VERY single for about 3 years now, and the "later" just never comes.

​

I’ve had a number of random scenarios:

  • Dated a guy [35M] for 6 months, told him I wanted to take things slowly and he was really respectful of that and never pushed. Once we had sex, I literally never heard from him again to this day.
  • Casually dated someone [33M] that I had a pretty great connection with; I don’t think it would have lasted because we both desire different lifestyles, but he and I ended up being intimate on the second date which catapulted us into spending nights together, declarations of “like” that I barely knew what to do with because it was a bit overwhelming. But we kept spending time with each other for several months, he was adamant that he wasn't seeing anyone else or didn't want to, which was nice to hear but again, I really, really just wanted to get to know him before jumping in head first with titles and all that. Like clockwork, a few months later, he dropped off the face of the earth.
  • Most recently, I met someone absolutely amazing [29M]. I haven't been this excited about anyone in so long. We get on so well, he makes me feel comfortable, we have so much fun together and like a lot of the same things/lifestyle. I’m so scared! I VERY purposely decided I would not have sex with him. I just liked him way too much. We never talked about it at all, but about 6 dates in, it happened. This was about 5-6 days ago, but literal radio silence.

​

I’ve gotten to the point that I’m just terrified to introduce intimacy into my dating life. I feel like it’s a kiss of death. Maybe I’m awful at it? I’ve tried the wait 5 dates thing, I’ve tried waiting even longer, I’ve been intimate on a first or second date if it felt right. I know there is no formula, but I don’t know, just looking for some advice/perspective here. Not to mention I’m so tired of feeling awful, used and foolish when things end up like this.

​

Give it to me straight DOT, what am I doing wrong or what could I be doing better?



Submitted May 06, 2019 at 11:18PM

It seems like sex is consistently what kills off any relationship i’m starting or entertaining, and I’m so confused about how to handle this. I am a very sexual person, so I have to make a pretty significant effort to not give in to temptations, because I really really just want to get to know someone and I’m happy to have all of that stuff come later. But I've been VERY single for about 3 years now, and the "later" just never comes.​I’ve had a number of random scenarios:Dated a guy [35M] for 6 months, told him I wanted to take things slowly and he was really respectful of that and never pushed. Once we had sex, I literally never heard from him again to this day.Casually dated someone [33M] that I had a pretty great connection with; I don’t think it would have lasted because we both desire different lifestyles, but he and I ended up being intimate on the second date which catapulted us into spending nights together, declarations of “like” that I barely knew what to do with because it was a bit overwhelming. But we kept spending time with each other for several months, he was adamant that he wasn't seeing anyone else or didn't want to, which was nice to hear but again, I really, really just wanted to get to know him before jumping in head first with titles and all that. Like clockwork, a few months later, he dropped off the face of the earth.Most recently, I met someone absolutely amazing [29M]. I haven't been this excited about anyone in so long. We get on so well, he makes me feel comfortable, we have so much fun together and like a lot of the same things/lifestyle. I’m so scared! I VERY purposely decided I would not have sex with him. I just liked him way too much. We never talked about it at all, but about 6 dates in, it happened. This was about 5-6 days ago, but literal radio silence.​I’ve gotten to the point that I’m just terrified to introduce intimacy into my dating life. I feel like it’s a kiss of death. Maybe I’m awful at it? I’ve tried the wait 5 dates thing, I’ve tried waiting even longer, I’ve been intimate on a first or second date if it felt right. I know there is no formula, but I don’t know, just looking for some advice/perspective here. Not to mention I’m so tired of feeling awful, used and foolish when things end up like this.​Give it to me straight DOT, what am I doing wrong or what could I be doing better?
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