Is my marriage worth saving?

I'm a stay-at-home mom. I've been married since I was 20. We are going on 15 years. We have a 12 yr old kid. Over the years our marriage has been tested, mostly by him but I've had my fair share. He likes to spend money and I'm frugal. I won't go over it all but he lies about the money he spends. For the first 3 years he locked me out of the bank account and barely gave me enough to by food. He got laid off and lied about getting another job. Our power and water constantly got turned off. Our house went into forclosure and I didn't know until we were served papers. I wanted a divorce so he got a job and begged me to stay. I started doing freelance illustration to make more money. He's a programmer and makes 6 figures but also spends like he makes more.. and only on himself.

We had a few other bumps with his lies. The big one was in 2014 he opened a secret account and 2 credit cards. He stole over 100k from our joint account. I found out in 2017 when I intercepted his W-2. Yes I know I was a fool to believe his lies, but love has different ideas. I asked for a divorce but he begged me to stay. He spent the next year trying to show me I was his top priority.

In 2015 I started having serious pain and health problems. It took 3 years of drugs and withdrawal for them to do an MRI. I have 3 herniated discs, one bulging disc, a pinched nerve, advanced arthritis, and degenerative disc disease (I fell down a flight of stairs when I was 12, it guess it caught up with me). I went to physical therapy in 2017, and back in 2018. I'm a small person but I still have days I can't move. At the beginning of this year I found out I have a hereditary disease that could kill me. It's very serious (I'm adopted so I have no medical history). I fell into depression. Then in February one of my best friends killed himself. Deeper depression. In March my cousin was put in the hospital and almost died from an eye infection, they had to take his eye and he talked to me a lot about his own depression.

In April my husband felt very distant and seemed depressed. I found out he had started having an emotional affair with a co-worker who was going through divorce. I confronted him and he said he told her they could only be friends at work because it was hurting his marriage.

I've been working towards getting my strength back. 3 weeks ago I really started to be able to work out again. But my husband still seemed distant. On May 9th I asked him to talk to me. He said he loves me but doesn't know if he's in love with me. He can't stand the idea of me being with anyone else but doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He said I've been depressed and sick too long. He doesn't remember what it's like to love me.

This hurt a lot. He moved out the next day leaving me to be a single mom. I've been in pain both mentally and physically but I have to take care of things.

I asked him to give our relationship a chance. But we agree I did nothing wrong. He's scared I'll fall into another depression and bring him down with me. He's scared he can't be in love with me.

He still stopped by every night for sex but then left. He kept saying he wants bro move back in, but leaves. Today I put my foot down. I said "you're in or you're out. No more stopping by for sex. You can't be the guy that comes over to have sex while I'm playing single mom. If you want to figure shit out you need to do that here."

Thing is, after all he's put me through, I'm doubting my love for him. He doesn't spend real parent time with our child. He took her to get I've cream but that's about it. He says he's moving back in tomorrow... But he said that Saturday and Sunday...

I feel like things will never change. I think he doesn't want to be a father or husband anymore. It's like a switch flipped. I know he's not communicating with the co-worker anymore. But I don't feel good about our marriage. He asked me to be a stay-at-home mom and I reluctantly agreed. I'm am now trying to get a job but I have 12 years experience missing besides freelance work.

Is this marriage worth saving? Should I just cut my losses and be a single mom? I'm lost..

Submitted May 07, 2019 at 02:11AM

I'm a stay-at-home mom. I've been married since I was 20. We are going on 15 years. We have a 12 yr old kid. Over the years our marriage has been tested, mostly by him but I've had my fair share. He likes to spend money and I'm frugal. I won't go over it all but he lies about the money he spends. For the first 3 years he locked me out of the bank account and barely gave me enough to by food. He got laid off and lied about getting another job. Our power and water constantly got turned off. Our house went into forclosure and I didn't know until we were served papers. I wanted a divorce so he got a job and begged me to stay. I started doing freelance illustration to make more money. He's a programmer and makes 6 figures but also spends like he makes more.. and only on himself.We had a few other bumps with his lies. The big one was in 2014 he opened a secret account and 2 credit cards. He stole over 100k from our joint account. I found out in 2017 when I intercepted his W-2. Yes I know I was a fool to believe his lies, but love has different ideas. I asked for a divorce but he begged me to stay. He spent the next year trying to show me I was his top priority.In 2015 I started having serious pain and health problems. It took 3 years of drugs and withdrawal for them to do an MRI. I have 3 herniated discs, one bulging disc, a pinched nerve, advanced arthritis, and degenerative disc disease (I fell down a flight of stairs when I was 12, it guess it caught up with me). I went to physical therapy in 2017, and back in 2018. I'm a small person but I still have days I can't move. At the beginning of this year I found out I have a hereditary disease that could kill me. It's very serious (I'm adopted so I have no medical history). I fell into depression. Then in February one of my best friends killed himself. Deeper depression. In March my cousin was put in the hospital and almost died from an eye infection, they had to take his eye and he talked to me a lot about his own depression.In April my husband felt very distant and seemed depressed. I found out he had started having an emotional affair with a co-worker who was going through divorce. I confronted him and he said he told her they could only be friends at work because it was hurting his marriage.I've been working towards getting my strength back. 3 weeks ago I really started to be able to work out again. But my husband still seemed distant. On May 9th I asked him to talk to me. He said he loves me but doesn't know if he's in love with me. He can't stand the idea of me being with anyone else but doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He said I've been depressed and sick too long. He doesn't remember what it's like to love me.This hurt a lot. He moved out the next day leaving me to be a single mom. I've been in pain both mentally and physically but I have to take care of things.I asked him to give our relationship a chance. But we agree I did nothing wrong. He's scared I'll fall into another depression and bring him down with me. He's scared he can't be in love with me.He still stopped by every night for sex but then left. He kept saying he wants bro move back in, but leaves. Today I put my foot down. I said "you're in or you're out. No more stopping by for sex. You can't be the guy that comes over to have sex while I'm playing single mom. If you want to figure shit out you need to do that here."Thing is, after all he's put me through, I'm doubting my love for him. He doesn't spend real parent time with our child. He took her to get I've cream but that's about it. He says he's moving back in tomorrow... But he said that Saturday and Sunday...I feel like things will never change. I think he doesn't want to be a father or husband anymore. It's like a switch flipped. I know he's not communicating with the co-worker anymore. But I don't feel good about our marriage. He asked me to be a stay-at-home mom and I reluctantly agreed. I'm am now trying to get a job but I have 12 years experience missing besides freelance work.Is this marriage worth saving? Should I just cut my losses and be a single mom? I'm lost..