In 5 Years, I have spent more nights alone than not. I want to say it's done for? (Warning long post)

I (29F) have been married to my husband (38M) for five years (together for 9 though). When we met, we both worked nights. So sure our hang out schedule was a little odd for most couples, but we spent plenty of time together. We both loved playing video games together and watching various animated shows with one another. We dated for a couple years and even lived together for a year before making the choice to get married. I did have a small infant from another relationship when we met.

I got promoted to a day shift job a couple months before the wedding, and things began to change. The wedding itself went without a hitch other than we chose not to do a honeymoon as he too had gotten a new job just before the wedding and he started said job the day after we got married (New job was still night shift though).

We found out we were pregnant six months after the wedding. (We weren't "trying", it was more 'if it happens it happens') Like our wedding, the pregnancy was uneventful. I continued to work days and he nights. When the baby came, I took my mandatory leave. It was then things really began to shift. I understood that he working nights ment I would not have help for the night feedings, but he wouldn't help say during the mornings after getting home to give me a break. And this continued even after I returned to work. In essence, I was caring for a new infant and a toddler all afternoon/evening/night and then turning around and working all day on say three hours of sleep. Then repeating the process over and over.

I asked time and time again for him to swap to day shift hours. I needed the help. I needed a break. He never would saying we needed the money (though we in no way lived paycheck to paycheck). My job had gotten quite stressful and I was talking to him about my work issues and how that with taking care of the children had put me at witts end. They were wanting me to 'step up' and take more hours which included some evening work, but with my husband working evenings/nights I had no childcare for that time frame. And babysitting services were asking for more money an hour than I made at the job in question. His only solution to the issue was telling me to quit my job (though stressful, I did LOVE what I did). At first, I refused. I did love my job. I just wanted help to juggle it all. He finally got to the point where he told me to quit "or we will have issues!" So, fearing he would file for divorce over my job stress, I did as asked. I quit my job and became a stay at home mom.

We did spend time together again. I would see him in the mornings after his shift and he'd sleep in the afternoon/evening while the baby and I played in the living area. We played video games together as we did when we first met. I took some of my time off and furthered progress on my degree in finance. I did enjoy that time, but like many good things, it could not last.

It was about a year after quitting my job when my husband expressed wanting me to get back to work to help our finances. I still had a year or so left on my finance degree but agreed to look into full time work. It was about 9 stressful months later that I did get an actual job offer. Though not in my degree field, it was office work and day hours so I could be home with the children in the evenings. Downside, my job is a 30 minute drive each way (which turns closer to 60 after all the intercity driving & dropping kids off at individual daycare/schools). So, I spend about 2 hours of my day just driving.

With of our jobs at this point, we both are making double the earnings than we did when we first met. So, financially, we are as far as we have ever been. That would be a good thing right?

Alas, I feel we were at odds again. I have been at this new job for 2.5 years now, and I would say my happiness is at an all time low? Why? We never actually SEE one another. It is like I am up and out the door with the children before he even gets off from his shift. And with my commute, I and the kids do not get home until after he has left to return to work. We text. We call, but this has been all we are for nearly 3 years now. He and I go out to eat alone on ocassion (he refuses to take the kids out in public even at 4 and 9) but that is it. We don't watch any shows together anymore. We don't play any of the same games. As I think back, in our 5 years of marriage, I have spent more nights alone in our bed than next to him. On the rare ocassion we are both home, we just exist. I keep the kids entertained and he plays some game with his work/online friends. But none of this we do together.

I feel like I am not a wife. I am a single mom with a roommate I may sleep with on ocassion. (Let's not even get started with what the lack of time has done to the sex life). When I ask for him to swap to day shift, I am still met with the "I don't want to take the pay cut" answer, and I think I am done with that reasoning.

I would say that over the past year, I have been thinking of my alternatives. I have wondered what it would be like if I threw in the towel and just moved to the city I work in? I could maybe find time to do things for myself again with the 1-2 hours I gain daily just from dropping the commute. (As it is, I am dropping my kids off as early as I am able and picking them up in the final minutes of their daycare/after school care programs) Sure that would mean actually living alone, but how different is that from how I live now? Maybe after some time alone, I may actually find someone on the same schedule as me? Though dating with kids is probably a challenge on it's own. But really, cross that bridge when I get to it.

I know this story is long, but it is something I really wanted to get off my chest. I feel like I have expressed my unhappiness to my husband many times over these couple years and would like feedback on what I can do. If the marriage can be saved, I would be for it. If there is no hope, am I better off cutting loose now while the children are still young?

TLDR: Over our 5 years of marriage, the fact that my SO and I have such opposite work schedules has plummeted our time together and I believe it is killing our marriage. Can it be saved? Or am I better off cutting loose and starting anew in a new town?

Submitted May 07, 2019 at 02:08AM

I (29F) have been married to my husband (38M) for five years (together for 9 though). When we met, we both worked nights. So sure our hang out schedule was a little odd for most couples, but we spent plenty of time together. We both loved playing video games together and watching various animated shows with one another. We dated for a couple years and even lived together for a year before making the choice to get married. I did have a small infant from another relationship when we met.I got promoted to a day shift job a couple months before the wedding, and things began to change. The wedding itself went without a hitch other than we chose not to do a honeymoon as he too had gotten a new job just before the wedding and he started said job the day after we got married (New job was still night shift though).We found out we were pregnant six months after the wedding. (We weren't "trying", it was more 'if it happens it happens') Like our wedding, the pregnancy was uneventful. I continued to work days and he nights. When the baby came, I took my mandatory leave. It was then things really began to shift. I understood that he working nights ment I would not have help for the night feedings, but he wouldn't help say during the mornings after getting home to give me a break. And this continued even after I returned to work. In essence, I was caring for a new infant and a toddler all afternoon/evening/night and then turning around and working all day on say three hours of sleep. Then repeating the process over and over.I asked time and time again for him to swap to day shift hours. I needed the help. I needed a break. He never would saying we needed the money (though we in no way lived paycheck to paycheck). My job had gotten quite stressful and I was talking to him about my work issues and how that with taking care of the children had put me at witts end. They were wanting me to 'step up' and take more hours which included some evening work, but with my husband working evenings/nights I had no childcare for that time frame. And babysitting services were asking for more money an hour than I made at the job in question. His only solution to the issue was telling me to quit my job (though stressful, I did LOVE what I did). At first, I refused. I did love my job. I just wanted help to juggle it all. He finally got to the point where he told me to quit "or we will have issues!" So, fearing he would file for divorce over my job stress, I did as asked. I quit my job and became a stay at home mom.We did spend time together again. I would see him in the mornings after his shift and he'd sleep in the afternoon/evening while the baby and I played in the living area. We played video games together as we did when we first met. I took some of my time off and furthered progress on my degree in finance. I did enjoy that time, but like many good things, it could not last.It was about a year after quitting my job when my husband expressed wanting me to get back to work to help our finances. I still had a year or so left on my finance degree but agreed to look into full time work. It was about 9 stressful months later that I did get an actual job offer. Though not in my degree field, it was office work and day hours so I could be home with the children in the evenings. Downside, my job is a 30 minute drive each way (which turns closer to 60 after all the intercity driving & dropping kids off at individual daycare/schools). So, I spend about 2 hours of my day just driving.With of our jobs at this point, we both are making double the earnings than we did when we first met. So, financially, we are as far as we have ever been. That would be a good thing right?Alas, I feel we were at odds again. I have been at this new job for 2.5 years now, and I would say my happiness is at an all time low? Why? We never actually SEE one another. It is like I am up and out the door with the children before he even gets off from his shift. And with my commute, I and the kids do not get home until after he has left to return to work. We text. We call, but this has been all we are for nearly 3 years now. He and I go out to eat alone on ocassion (he refuses to take the kids out in public even at 4 and 9) but that is it. We don't watch any shows together anymore. We don't play any of the same games. As I think back, in our 5 years of marriage, I have spent more nights alone in our bed than next to him. On the rare ocassion we are both home, we just exist. I keep the kids entertained and he plays some game with his work/online friends. But none of this we do together.I feel like I am not a wife. I am a single mom with a roommate I may sleep with on ocassion. (Let's not even get started with what the lack of time has done to the sex life). When I ask for him to swap to day shift, I am still met with the "I don't want to take the pay cut" answer, and I think I am done with that reasoning.I would say that over the past year, I have been thinking of my alternatives. I have wondered what it would be like if I threw in the towel and just moved to the city I work in? I could maybe find time to do things for myself again with the 1-2 hours I gain daily just from dropping the commute. (As it is, I am dropping my kids off as early as I am able and picking them up in the final minutes of their daycare/after school care programs) Sure that would mean actually living alone, but how different is that from how I live now? Maybe after some time alone, I may actually find someone on the same schedule as me? Though dating with kids is probably a challenge on it's own. But really, cross that bridge when I get to it.I know this story is long, but it is something I really wanted to get off my chest. I feel like I have expressed my unhappiness to my husband many times over these couple years and would like feedback on what I can do. If the marriage can be saved, I would be for it. If there is no hope, am I better off cutting loose now while the children are still young?TLDR: Over our 5 years of marriage, the fact that my SO and I have such opposite work schedules has plummeted our time together and I believe it is killing our marriage. Can it be saved? Or am I better off cutting loose and starting anew in a new town?