Feeling Broken, Monstrous

Well, it's been about 9 months since I broke up with a partner of 8 years. It was jarring, and hard, but it got easier with time. I still have much to heal, still have days where I miss her. I actually still hang out with her once in a blue moon, catch food or a movie, chat a little, catch up. We both feel like we can be friends, though we've hooked up more than once...

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Anyway, I guess that's not really the point of this post. After about 4 months, I started seeing someone I met online. It was new, different, exotic even. A girl from Uganda, who somehow found me very enticing. I was always a little lukewarm about it, her having a kid ( I'm not even sure I want kids), being somewhat different culturally, having little differences that kept making me second guess things. But after dating a month or so, she starting clinging to me, a LOT! Already telling me she loved me, sending as much time with me as I would allow, going out of her way to really care for me. There's a lot more to the story of course, but over the next few months we broke up, stayed friends, became friends with benefits, got back together, and broke up again. I kept wanting to push her away, and then I'd get lonely. On paper she seemed like such a wonderful "catch", way out of my league looks wise, very kind and caring and sweet. And yet... I just didn't have the spark with her. Why don't I have it? I kept asking, and then trying to make it work again, trying to push my thoughts of the past, my ex, and my concerns away.

Was it too soon to date, did I ignore my personal flags out of desperation, out of need of companionship, lust? Should I wait to date again, or simply learn to trust my deeper instincts more? She's hurt after so much back and forth, and although I did a lot on my end to help and support her too, ultimately I think it's best to fall out of her life as gently as possible.

Anyone else struggle with dating after breaking up? Any advice on knowing when is the right time, if such a thing exists?

Submitted May 17, 2019 at 05:05AM

Well, it's been about 9 months since I broke up with a partner of 8 years. It was jarring, and hard, but it got easier with time. I still have much to heal, still have days where I miss her. I actually still hang out with her once in a blue moon, catch food or a movie, chat a little, catch up. We both feel like we can be friends, though we've hooked up more than once...​Anyway, I guess that's not really the point of this post. After about 4 months, I started seeing someone I met online. It was new, different, exotic even. A girl from Uganda, who somehow found me very enticing. I was always a little lukewarm about it, her having a kid ( I'm not even sure I want kids), being somewhat different culturally, having little differences that kept making me second guess things. But after dating a month or so, she starting clinging to me, a LOT! Already telling me she loved me, sending as much time with me as I would allow, going out of her way to really care for me. There's a lot more to the story of course, but over the next few months we broke up, stayed friends, became friends with benefits, got back together, and broke up again. I kept wanting to push her away, and then I'd get lonely. On paper she seemed like such a wonderful "catch", way out of my league looks wise, very kind and caring and sweet. And yet... I just didn't have the spark with her. Why don't I have it? I kept asking, and then trying to make it work again, trying to push my thoughts of the past, my ex, and my concerns away.Was it too soon to date, did I ignore my personal flags out of desperation, out of need of companionship, lust? Should I wait to date again, or simply learn to trust my deeper instincts more? She's hurt after so much back and forth, and although I did a lot on my end to help and support her too, ultimately I think it's best to fall out of her life as gently as possible.Anyone else struggle with dating after breaking up? Any advice on knowing when is the right time, if such a thing exists?