“Taking it slow”...?

What does this mean, in your experience? What are the rules? How does this work?

I’ve had a real jacked up romantic life thus far, am just coming off of 2.5 years of self-imposed celibacy, and in the last 2-3 weeks I’ve kinda started “seeing” someone I’ve known for many years. He just relocated here and prior to that, we developed a pretty close relationship over the phone, although nothing romantic before he physically got here. I trust him very much. We have not “defined the relationship” but when we started out, he said he wanted to take things slow.

Now, before the 2.5 years of celibacy, which followed a very abusive 5 year marriage, I was moderately promiscuous and a serial monogamist through my teens and early twenties. I had plenty of one night stands and always slept with someone on the first date. Technically, I never really dated anyone; I slept with them and if it went well, kept sleeping with them and sometimes that eventually turned into a relationship.

His insistence on taking is slow is throwing me through a loop since I literally don’t know what that means. We talk pretty much daily, spend 2-3 nights per week together, fool around usually but haven’t had sex yet and it’s making me a bit nuts. I want to have sex but I’m pretty sure he’s actively resisting since he wants to take things slow. We usually talk all night though, the intellectual comparability is definitely there, we get along famously, I’m attracted to him and even though I’m a bit overweight and self conscious about it, he’s said that he’s very attracted to me too.

How slow is too slow though? When am I supposed to figure out he’s just not that into me, and maybe this a “friends with benefits” thing where the benefits didn’t really pan out? How patient am I supposed to be?

For reference, I’m very aware that I’ve never had a remotely healthy relationship. Ever. I’ve often allowed myself to be treated terribly for far too long, even in my better relationships in the past. While he hasn’t experienced the level of abuse that I have, something he openly says often, I think he knows his relationships have been pretty unhealthy too and he’s scared of being manipulated, cheated on, etc. as well as engaging in emotionally unhealthy behavior himself.

I just...don’t really understand. Can someone with more experience with “normal” dating as an adult, not just hookup culture, and “taking it slow” as a mature human enlighten me about this? I’m feeling super lost.

Submitted May 17, 2019 at 08:20PM

What does this mean, in your experience? What are the rules? How does this work?I’ve had a real jacked up romantic life thus far, am just coming off of 2.5 years of self-imposed celibacy, and in the last 2-3 weeks I’ve kinda started “seeing” someone I’ve known for many years. He just relocated here and prior to that, we developed a pretty close relationship over the phone, although nothing romantic before he physically got here. I trust him very much. We have not “defined the relationship” but when we started out, he said he wanted to take things slow.Now, before the 2.5 years of celibacy, which followed a very abusive 5 year marriage, I was moderately promiscuous and a serial monogamist through my teens and early twenties. I had plenty of one night stands and always slept with someone on the first date. Technically, I never really dated anyone; I slept with them and if it went well, kept sleeping with them and sometimes that eventually turned into a relationship.His insistence on taking is slow is throwing me through a loop since I literally don’t know what that means. We talk pretty much daily, spend 2-3 nights per week together, fool around usually but haven’t had sex yet and it’s making me a bit nuts. I want to have sex but I’m pretty sure he’s actively resisting since he wants to take things slow. We usually talk all night though, the intellectual comparability is definitely there, we get along famously, I’m attracted to him and even though I’m a bit overweight and self conscious about it, he’s said that he’s very attracted to me too.How slow is too slow though? When am I supposed to figure out he’s just not that into me, and maybe this a “friends with benefits” thing where the benefits didn’t really pan out? How patient am I supposed to be?For reference, I’m very aware that I’ve never had a remotely healthy relationship. Ever. I’ve often allowed myself to be treated terribly for far too long, even in my better relationships in the past. While he hasn’t experienced the level of abuse that I have, something he openly says often, I think he knows his relationships have been pretty unhealthy too and he’s scared of being manipulated, cheated on, etc. as well as engaging in emotionally unhealthy behavior himself.I just...don’t really understand. Can someone with more experience with “normal” dating as an adult, not just hookup culture, and “taking it slow” as a mature human enlighten me about this? I’m feeling super lost.