[Long] Husband (35M) and I (32F) struggling with sex issues and I'm now developing feelings for another man...

Obvious throwaway.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, dated for 3 years before we married. We were intimate prior to marriage (all over each other, actually) but not PiV, as we both wanted to wait (him more than me - we were both virgins). When we started PiV, it hurt me a lot and we struggled with it. Took us way too long to figure out that the sex you see on TV isn't actually how sex really is and we're still figuring that out, tbh.

In short: my pain caused him to feel uncomfortable having sex, as he didn't want to hurt me, which has lead him not to initiate the majority of the time and for me to feel very pressured to initiate and to take the lead in "solving our problem." This stressed us both out and we ended up with a dead bedroom situation for the majority of our marriage, and with lots of hurt feelings (mine: neglect and like I'm alone, his: helpless and like he doesn't know how to support me/like he never will). We've been to therapy for the past 4 years, on and off, and it's helped with our communication but not much else.

In the meantime, we have other sexual issues come up, which are:

• mismatched libidos (I'm much higher than his, we attempt to have sex maybe once every 1-2 months and this doesn't bother him. He's also a very patient person overall).

• he's uncomfortable with oral sex (performing and receiving) even though he's never tried it. Getting him to talk about this has been challenging, as he doesn't know why he's uncomfortable.

• he's demonstrated that he's willing to try new things but they're very tame (different positions mainly), whereas I want to try a bunch of stuff that are too kinky for him: BDSM, anal play, etc. And he's uncomfortable with these too.

• he now struggles with ED, for at least the last 8 months, and he's told me it stems from his anxiety that he may never be able to satisfy me. We're doing therapy for this as well.

We've introduced sex toys and they've been great, but overall our lives are lacking in passion, and in frequency, and I've kind of resigned myself to the current status of our marriage and our sex lives. We have a happy marriage overall, we're very loving and supportive of each other but for the most part it feels like we are best friends/roommates more than husband and wife.

To make matters worse: I've now developed feelings for another man who I knew was into me and I was enjoying the attention and validation for a while. I'm now very attached to this guy and even though I have no intentions of being unfaithful, or of ending my marriage, I can't stop imagining "what if..."

Submitted May 18, 2019 at 06:35AM

Obvious throwaway.My husband and I have been married for 6 years, dated for 3 years before we married. We were intimate prior to marriage (all over each other, actually) but not PiV, as we both wanted to wait (him more than me - we were both virgins). When we started PiV, it hurt me a lot and we struggled with it. Took us way too long to figure out that the sex you see on TV isn't actually how sex really is and we're still figuring that out, tbh.In short: my pain caused him to feel uncomfortable having sex, as he didn't want to hurt me, which has lead him not to initiate the majority of the time and for me to feel very pressured to initiate and to take the lead in "solving our problem." This stressed us both out and we ended up with a dead bedroom situation for the majority of our marriage, and with lots of hurt feelings (mine: neglect and like I'm alone, his: helpless and like he doesn't know how to support me/like he never will). We've been to therapy for the past 4 years, on and off, and it's helped with our communication but not much else.In the meantime, we have other sexual issues come up, which are:mismatched libidos (I'm much higher than his, we attempt to have sex maybe once every 1-2 months and this doesn't bother him. He's also a very patient person overall).he's uncomfortable with oral sex (performing and receiving) even though he's never tried it. Getting him to talk about this has been challenging, as he doesn't know why he's uncomfortable.he's demonstrated that he's willing to try new things but they're very tame (different positions mainly), whereas I want to try a bunch of stuff that are too kinky for him: BDSM, anal play, etc. And he's uncomfortable with these too.he now struggles with ED, for at least the last 8 months, and he's told me it stems from his anxiety that he may never be able to satisfy me. We're doing therapy for this as well.We've introduced sex toys and they've been great, but overall our lives are lacking in passion, and in frequency, and I've kind of resigned myself to the current status of our marriage and our sex lives. We have a happy marriage overall, we're very loving and supportive of each other but for the most part it feels like we are best friends/roommates more than husband and wife.To make matters worse: I've now developed feelings for another man who I knew was into me and I was enjoying the attention and validation for a while. I'm now very attached to this guy and even though I have no intentions of being unfaithful, or of ending my marriage, I can't stop imagining "what if..."