[Long] Husband (35M) and I (32F) struggling with sex issues and I'm now developing feelings for another man...

Obvious throwaway.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, dated for 3 years before we married. We were intimate prior to marriage (all over each other, actually) but not PiV, as we both wanted to wait (him more than me - we were both virgins). When we started PiV, it hurt me a lot and we struggled with it. Took us way too long to figure out that the sex you see on TV isn't actually how sex really is and we're still figuring that out, tbh.

In short: my pain caused him to feel uncomfortable having sex, as he didn't want to hurt me, which has lead him not to initiate the majority of the time and for me to feel very pressured to initiate and to take the lead in "solving our problem." This stressed us both out and we ended up with a dead bedroom situation for the majority of our marriage, and with lots of hurt feelings (mine: neglect and like I'm alone, his: helpless and like he doesn't know how to support me/like he never will). We've been to therapy for the past 4 years, on and off, and it's helped with our communication but not much else.

In the meantime, we have other sexual issues come up, which are:

  • mismatched libidos (I'm much higher than his, we attempt to have sex maybe once every 1-2 months and this doesn't bother him. He's also a very patient person overall).

  • he's uncomfortable with oral sex (performing and receiving) even though he's never tried it. Getting him to talk about this has been challenging, as he doesn't know why he's uncomfortable.

  • he's demonstrated that he's willing to try new things but they're very tame (different positions mainly), whereas I want to try a bunch of stuff that are too kinky for him: BDSM, anal play, etc. And he's uncomfortable with these too.

  • he now struggles with ED, for at least the last 8 months, and he's told me it stems from his anxiety that he may never be able to satisfy me. We're doing therapy for this as well.

We've introduced sex toys and they've been great, but overall our lives are lacking in passion, and in frequency, and I've kind of resigned myself to the current status of our marriage and our sex lives. We have a happy marriage overall, we're very loving and supportive of each other but for the most part it feels like we are best friends/roommates more than husband and wife.

To make matters worse: I've now developed feelings for another man who I knew was into me and I was enjoying the attention and validation for a while. I'm now very attached to this guy and even though I have no intentions of being unfaithful, or of ending my marriage, I can't stop imagining "what if..."



Submitted May 18, 2019 at 06:35AM

Obvious throwaway.My husband and I have been married for 6 years, dated for 3 years before we married. We were intimate prior to marriage (all over each other, actually) but not PiV, as we both wanted to wait (him more than me - we were both virgins). When we started PiV, it hurt me a lot and we struggled with it. Took us way too long to figure out that the sex you see on TV isn't actually how sex really is and we're still figuring that out, tbh.In short: my pain caused him to feel uncomfortable having sex, as he didn't want to hurt me, which has lead him not to initiate the majority of the time and for me to feel very pressured to initiate and to take the lead in "solving our problem." This stressed us both out and we ended up with a dead bedroom situation for the majority of our marriage, and with lots of hurt feelings (mine: neglect and like I'm alone, his: helpless and like he doesn't know how to support me/like he never will). We've been to therapy for the past 4 years, on and off, and it's helped with our communication but not much else.In the meantime, we have other sexual issues come up, which are:mismatched libidos (I'm much higher than his, we attempt to have sex maybe once every 1-2 months and this doesn't bother him. He's also a very patient person overall).he's uncomfortable with oral sex (performing and receiving) even though he's never tried it. Getting him to talk about this has been challenging, as he doesn't know why he's uncomfortable.he's demonstrated that he's willing to try new things but they're very tame (different positions mainly), whereas I want to try a bunch of stuff that are too kinky for him: BDSM, anal play, etc. And he's uncomfortable with these too.he now struggles with ED, for at least the last 8 months, and he's told me it stems from his anxiety that he may never be able to satisfy me. We're doing therapy for this as well.We've introduced sex toys and they've been great, but overall our lives are lacking in passion, and in frequency, and I've kind of resigned myself to the current status of our marriage and our sex lives. We have a happy marriage overall, we're very loving and supportive of each other but for the most part it feels like we are best friends/roommates more than husband and wife.To make matters worse: I've now developed feelings for another man who I knew was into me and I was enjoying the attention and validation for a while. I'm now very attached to this guy and even though I have no intentions of being unfaithful, or of ending my marriage, I can't stop imagining "what if..."
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Add Comments, Posts, Links... etc.

Popular posts from this blog

The difference between being right and being understood

My boyfriend and I are 28. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years and recently moved in together. He’s a pretty patient and easygoing person (Type B) whereas I’m more particular (Type A). Of course there are two sides to every trait, and my Type A nature benefits us in some ways too. Like all couples, we have differences in perspective or preference. When this happens, he will usually say something like “I disagree (with your perspective) but fine.” I tend to push the issue in an attempt to get him to understand where I’m coming from. This escalates the disagreement into a fight because he perceives it as me trying to be “right”. I truly just want to be understood (and I want to understand where he’s coming from) so I’m looking for more of a dialogue whereas he avoids conflict and just wants it to be over as quickly as possible. His general approach is “agree to disagree” but that doesn’t make sense to me when it’s an issue that will keep coming up and requires compromise. I’m n...
Read more

My (27f) gf (27f) is getting tired of me not sharing intimate/ personal info about me

I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love with her, however I can not seem to open up... and I can tell it’s frustrating to her by the way she tells me it bothers her that she feels she’s the only one committed and the one that’s always sharing... At this point I don’t even know if it is that I’ve gotten too used to it, to the point I’ve became lazy to talk about myself or give any genuine personal opinion... it sucks, really, I need to communicate better... Where do I start? Tl;dr: I can’t be completely intimate with my gf and its frustrating her, I need to communicate better because I really love her... where to start? Submitted April 25, 2019 at 06:02AM I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love ...
Read more

My (23M) girlfriend (25F) relationship is confusing to me. I might be the problem, or maybe we are just incompatible.

I met my girlfriend after a few serious breakups that led me to change both intentionally and unintentionally over a few years. For better and for worse. She had just gotten out of an engagement with a verbally and physically abusive man who had a cocaine problem. We have been together about 8 months now. We hit it off and spent a lot of time together but she began to push our relationship as if there were a time clock for milestones. I was pressed beyond my comfort zone and went with it because of my affection for her. My living situation fell apart and I lost a few thousand dollars to shit roommates right around the time she and I met and she offered to let me stay with her. I agreed with some resistance. I pay for food, help her with bills, and throw money toward rent while trying to get back on my feet. As long as we have been together she has gotten more possessive, angry, and irrational. She is dealing with shit from her engagement and I feel shes looking for a level of seriou...
Read more