The agonizing love for someone who is affectionate towards you, but will never be yours.

I am in love with my colleague. She is my supervisor, 8 years my senior, and she has a different social circle. She has taught me so much about life and people and work and emotions. She will also be leaving work in a week or so and I won’t see her as often, if at all. People have a way of disappearing from me once that which binds us is nonexistent. Even if I can somehow maintain contact with her after she leaves, I will be going to uni in three months in a different part of the country... so it sucks.

I’m too bitter, boring, serious and full of self-loathing to deserve anyone’s love. My phobia of sex makes loving her both agony and easier, somehow. I will be watching and admiring beauty from a distance for the rest of my life - it sounds like a sentencing. It is my fate. She is the first of many who I will love from a distance.

She is my first love. Her perfume haunts me. Her voice soothes me. The particular rhythm of her approaching footsteps are imprinted on my memory.

It is agony. It is maddening. She has this beautifully bubbly affectionate personality that means she’ll hug me at every opportunity and kiss my cheek sometimes, leaving it burning for hours later. People call our interactions emotional, but they mean nothing to her. She’s affectionate with everyone - it’s her character and, also, her job to be emotional.

She is affectionate. She is bright. She is a businesswoman. She is a leader. She is emotionally intelligent. She is strong. She is beautiful. She has an amazing sense of humor. I am brooding. I am a philosopher. I am academically intelligent. I am weak. I am emotionally depleted. We both have an amazing sense of humor.

I am in love. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could turn my feelings off so that it wouldn’t hurt so much.

Submitted April 17, 2019 at 11:26PM

I am in love with my colleague. She is my supervisor, 8 years my senior, and she has a different social circle. She has taught me so much about life and people and work and emotions. She will also be leaving work in a week or so and I won’t see her as often, if at all. People have a way of disappearing from me once that which binds us is nonexistent. Even if I can somehow maintain contact with her after she leaves, I will be going to uni in three months in a different part of the country... so it sucks.I’m too bitter, boring, serious and full of self-loathing to deserve anyone’s love. My phobia of sex makes loving her both agony and easier, somehow. I will be watching and admiring beauty from a distance for the rest of my life - it sounds like a sentencing. It is my fate. She is the first of many who I will love from a distance.She is my first love. Her perfume haunts me. Her voice soothes me. The particular rhythm of her approaching footsteps are imprinted on my memory.It is agony. It is maddening. She has this beautifully bubbly affectionate personality that means she’ll hug me at every opportunity and kiss my cheek sometimes, leaving it burning for hours later. People call our interactions emotional, but they mean nothing to her. She’s affectionate with everyone - it’s her character and, also, her job to be emotional.She is affectionate. She is bright. She is a businesswoman. She is a leader. She is emotionally intelligent. She is strong. She is beautiful. She has an amazing sense of humor. I am brooding. I am a philosopher. I am academically intelligent. I am weak. I am emotionally depleted. We both have an amazing sense of humor.I am in love. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could turn my feelings off so that it wouldn’t hurt so much.