Should I (33F) Take Him (M33) Back After He Called Me a Bitch?

*TL;DR:* Love my boyfriend of almost one year very much (we've known each other for about 4 years professionally before dating). He got insecure about my new job, got very drunk at my birthday dinner, broke up with me, and called me a bitch, only to instantly regret it, ask if its over and proceed to make grand overtures of love and devotion for me to take him back. What do? I'm not getting any younger, and I worry hanging on to my pride and my high horse here will leave me alone in the end. But, is calling someone a bitch how you talk to someone you love? Is it a precursor to more problems down the line? Is this settling, or is this the work that you need to do to have a relationship?

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Some context: after a rocky career road, and getting through a really tough personal year in which my partner stood beside me, (from a string of bad luck/rock bottom/debt creating crises to now being on track to be debt free by this May, all in the span of a year and a half). I've gotten a super awesome and pretty coveted job in my field. My boyfriend of ~1 year, (knew each other professionally for 4 years prior to that, as we move in the same industry circles), has been wildly insecure since I got the job, Choice quote: "new job, new life, new boyfriend..." but as one of those you're-joking-to-very-thinly-mask-the-truth kind of ways. I've worked really hard to make him feel valued, loved, and secure. We both travel a lot for work, he has a great job and makes way more than me, so I can't imagine how my new job is making him feel left behind. I had to travel for training after I got hired, and he got to visit me for Valentines weekend while I was on the road, I join him on his trips whenever I can. Before I left for training I wrote him a letter for every day I was away so he would have something to read and connect with each morning while we're apart. (I know very cheesy, but just something special shared between us).

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We love each other deeply, say it often, say we miss each other often, video chat while on trips etc. Our love life was nice and loving, albeit a little focused on his pleasure mostly which I feel is a pretty standard dynamic for hetero relationships, (and we were working towards better communication in that respect. I def have trouble cumming with a partner and this definitely bothered him).

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Our courtship was also a bit rocky, but we ultimately chose to do the work together and fell very much in love (we were both getting out of relationships when we realized there was a special spark here, and waited until everything was a bit settled down from either breakup before pursuing anything serious/engaging physically). He is one of the most loyal and trustworthy people I know, and has a true moral compass. Except.

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He took me out for a birthday dinner, and when we met for drinks I could tell something was a bit off. I'd had a bit of a down week, (I had been jet lag sick and completely out a couple days prior). I'm also on an antidepressant so I have good days and down days, and I had been a little down. So I wanted to walk to the bar, bc it's a thing I like to clear my head, and I hadn't really been outside in a couple of days, (when not traveling I have a lot of freedom to work from home, so it's not uncommon for me to spend a couple days inside when on a more depressive swing). When I get there, he was mad I asked for him to meet us there, saying he felt cast out he couldn't meet me at my apartment, and like a stranger. He was a bit drunk before i got there. His energy was manic and a little wild, and honestly I should have suggested we go home then and there. He quickly moved into being mad at me, loudly getting more aggressive, saying things like "i can't sexually satisfy you, what reason is there for you to stay with me" stuff like this.

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I manage to get him to calm down a little bit and we go to the restaurant. We're about 20 minutes early, no bigs we find a seat by the bar and grab a drink. Again, I should have insisted he have a little water, bc my usually mild mannered and polite boyfriend was suddenly a drunk sassmosnter. Loudly commenting on different servers, pointing, like straight up pointing and commenting "she hates our guts" "she won't give us the time of day and is talking about us." etc. (If you're in America, you know how cringe pointing in public is, let alone at people in earshot a few feet from you.) He was impatient we weren't being seated, I was able to keep him at bay from heckling the bartender about our seats (that we were too early for), bc the hostess' workflow is not the bartender's job and there's no reason to drag him into it, also sassing at restaurant staff is probably one of the highest key trash moves ever. I had never seen him like this. Again, such a gentle mild mannered guy when not drunk.

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We get seated some minutes before our reservation time. We order some things and a couple of the cold starters come out. He's not eating. It's weird, bc food experiences are one of the things we enjoy together. He's disassociating a bit and talking about ex-girlfriends that were cruel to him. He's not looking at me, just monologuing. I try to bring him back. Have to say his name 10 times for him to reconnect with me. I'm saving him from breaking glasses (not intentional, his swinging hands as he gestured and talked were pushing everything to the edge). Once again loudly he starts yelling at me, I can't satisfy you sexually, i can't give you anything. You care so much about what other people think. kiss me over this table right now if you dont."

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just erratic, weird, random shit, i didn't expect from my smart, successful, usually kind boyfriend. He start fumbling with his wallet. He's like "i dont have cash." tries to dash, I plead with him to not leave me stranded, and he finally concedes to close out the bill and take me home.

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I feel like he was more secure when I was down in the dumps, because he was the financially secure, responsible savior. And because I was a little less empowered in terms of what I could be out doing, he never really had to "worry" about my whereabouts- I was mostly at home or with him.

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Back to that night:

He is too drunk and accidentally ubers to his place, I thought we could cool down and chat. We get inside, he starts fixing up the couch for himself, I urge him to talk to me. He proceeds to throw my apartment keys which he has a copy of at me, and tells me I'm a real bitch. (I'm bawling at this point). Needless to say, I uber back to my place completely shaken. He texts me one more fuck you, then a few hours later "so that's it? you're done" We don't talk for a couple days and he acts Like I'm throwing this away. I get dinner with him at his invitation, and it's all the stops- flowers, chocolates, gifts, candles, he's dressed well (he's usually a comfort over fashion guy). It's been about 3 weeks since the bitch incident, and he's been really nice, apologetic, emotionally open and communicative.

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I do deeply care for him. My friends can't believe it and are mad for me, saying they could never forget he called me a bitch, but they are all married and planning for kids, with partners they've known for 10 years or so; meaning, their context of courtship and dating is not connected to the 30-something scene at all, (it's not even connected to the mid-to-late 20s scene really!). But, they are concerned a big blowout fight followed by all-the-stops romance might be the warning signs of a more insidious abusive cycle.

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I really do love him, and have suggested couples counseling. He already goes to a therapist and did attend one AA at my behest to try, (though I don't really think he is an alcoholic, he just used alcohol this one time when he was going through all these feels). It's ultimately our life to live, so if all the other things match up that are important in a life partner- financial goals, travel interests, etc, can I overlook this one fight and look forward?

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Sorry this is so long and rambly!

Submitted April 08, 2019 at 11:51PM

*TL;DR:* Love my boyfriend of almost one year very much (we've known each other for about 4 years professionally before dating). He got insecure about my new job, got very drunk at my birthday dinner, broke up with me, and called me a bitch, only to instantly regret it, ask if its over and proceed to make grand overtures of love and devotion for me to take him back. What do? I'm not getting any younger, and I worry hanging on to my pride and my high horse here will leave me alone in the end. But, is calling someone a bitch how you talk to someone you love? Is it a precursor to more problems down the line? Is this settling, or is this the work that you need to do to have a relationship?​Some context: after a rocky career road, and getting through a really tough personal year in which my partner stood beside me, (from a string of bad luck/rock bottom/debt creating crises to now being on track to be debt free by this May, all in the span of a year and a half). I've gotten a super awesome and pretty coveted job in my field. My boyfriend of ~1 year, (knew each other professionally for 4 years prior to that, as we move in the same industry circles), has been wildly insecure since I got the job, Choice quote: "new job, new life, new boyfriend..." but as one of those you're-joking-to-very-thinly-mask-the-truth kind of ways. I've worked really hard to make him feel valued, loved, and secure. We both travel a lot for work, he has a great job and makes way more than me, so I can't imagine how my new job is making him feel left behind. I had to travel for training after I got hired, and he got to visit me for Valentines weekend while I was on the road, I join him on his trips whenever I can. Before I left for training I wrote him a letter for every day I was away so he would have something to read and connect with each morning while we're apart. (I know very cheesy, but just something special shared between us).​We love each other deeply, say it often, say we miss each other often, video chat while on trips etc. Our love life was nice and loving, albeit a little focused on his pleasure mostly which I feel is a pretty standard dynamic for hetero relationships, (and we were working towards better communication in that respect. I def have trouble cumming with a partner and this definitely bothered him).​Our courtship was also a bit rocky, but we ultimately chose to do the work together and fell very much in love (we were both getting out of relationships when we realized there was a special spark here, and waited until everything was a bit settled down from either breakup before pursuing anything serious/engaging physically). He is one of the most loyal and trustworthy people I know, and has a true moral compass. Except.​He took me out for a birthday dinner, and when we met for drinks I could tell something was a bit off. I'd had a bit of a down week, (I had been jet lag sick and completely out a couple days prior). I'm also on an antidepressant so I have good days and down days, and I had been a little down. So I wanted to walk to the bar, bc it's a thing I like to clear my head, and I hadn't really been outside in a couple of days, (when not traveling I have a lot of freedom to work from home, so it's not uncommon for me to spend a couple days inside when on a more depressive swing). When I get there, he was mad I asked for him to meet us there, saying he felt cast out he couldn't meet me at my apartment, and like a stranger. He was a bit drunk before i got there. His energy was manic and a little wild, and honestly I should have suggested we go home then and there. He quickly moved into being mad at me, loudly getting more aggressive, saying things like "i can't sexually satisfy you, what reason is there for you to stay with me" stuff like this.​I manage to get him to calm down a little bit and we go to the restaurant. We're about 20 minutes early, no bigs we find a seat by the bar and grab a drink. Again, I should have insisted he have a little water, bc my usually mild mannered and polite boyfriend was suddenly a drunk sassmosnter. Loudly commenting on different servers, pointing, like straight up pointing and commenting "she hates our guts" "she won't give us the time of day and is talking about us." etc. (If you're in America, you know how cringe pointing in public is, let alone at people in earshot a few feet from you.) He was impatient we weren't being seated, I was able to keep him at bay from heckling the bartender about our seats (that we were too early for), bc the hostess' workflow is not the bartender's job and there's no reason to drag him into it, also sassing at restaurant staff is probably one of the highest key trash moves ever. I had never seen him like this. Again, such a gentle mild mannered guy when not drunk.​We get seated some minutes before our reservation time. We order some things and a couple of the cold starters come out. He's not eating. It's weird, bc food experiences are one of the things we enjoy together. He's disassociating a bit and talking about ex-girlfriends that were cruel to him. He's not looking at me, just monologuing. I try to bring him back. Have to say his name 10 times for him to reconnect with me. I'm saving him from breaking glasses (not intentional, his swinging hands as he gestured and talked were pushing everything to the edge). Once again loudly he starts yelling at me, I can't satisfy you sexually, i can't give you anything. You care so much about what other people think. kiss me over this table right now if you dont."​just erratic, weird, random shit, i didn't expect from my smart, successful, usually kind boyfriend. He start fumbling with his wallet. He's like "i dont have cash." tries to dash, I plead with him to not leave me stranded, and he finally concedes to close out the bill and take me home.​I feel like he was more secure when I was down in the dumps, because he was the financially secure, responsible savior. And because I was a little less empowered in terms of what I could be out doing, he never really had to "worry" about my whereabouts- I was mostly at home or with him.​Back to that night:He is too drunk and accidentally ubers to his place, I thought we could cool down and chat. We get inside, he starts fixing up the couch for himself, I urge him to talk to me. He proceeds to throw my apartment keys which he has a copy of at me, and tells me I'm a real bitch. (I'm bawling at this point). Needless to say, I uber back to my place completely shaken. He texts me one more fuck you, then a few hours later "so that's it? you're done" We don't talk for a couple days and he acts Like I'm throwing this away. I get dinner with him at his invitation, and it's all the stops- flowers, chocolates, gifts, candles, he's dressed well (he's usually a comfort over fashion guy). It's been about 3 weeks since the bitch incident, and he's been really nice, apologetic, emotionally open and communicative.​I do deeply care for him. My friends can't believe it and are mad for me, saying they could never forget he called me a bitch, but they are all married and planning for kids, with partners they've known for 10 years or so; meaning, their context of courtship and dating is not connected to the 30-something scene at all, (it's not even connected to the mid-to-late 20s scene really!). But, they are concerned a big blowout fight followed by all-the-stops romance might be the warning signs of a more insidious abusive cycle.​I really do love him, and have suggested couples counseling. He already goes to a therapist and did attend one AA at my behest to try, (though I don't really think he is an alcoholic, he just used alcohol this one time when he was going through all these feels). It's ultimately our life to live, so if all the other things match up that are important in a life partner- financial goals, travel interests, etc, can I overlook this one fight and look forward?​Sorry this is so long and rambly!