How to really just give it up for good?

I feel like I've been heartbroken my whole life.

In every other area of life, I've done okay. I have lots of good friends. I'm a good mom. I did great in college (and even just received a fellowship for grad school). I own my own home. My job isn't super prestigious or exciting, but I'm good at it, it pays the bills, and my coworkers love me.

But dating...dating has been a constant source of agony for me. I've never had a healthy or successful long term relationship, but God knows I've worn myself out looking and hoping for one. What this means is that all of my twenties and thirties so far have been wasted on unhealthy, painful or unsatisfying relationships.

I don't deny I am the problem. Obviously I am. I'm the common factor.

So how can I just stop wanting it? How can I stop being attracted to men and craving their desire? How can I stop hoping that I might one day "get lucky" and find someone to be with? It is obvious at this point that it just isn't going to happen.

It doesn't even make sense that I still want it at this point. I should have developed a natural aversion to it. It feels like running back over and over to put my hand on the hot stove eye, hoping for a different outcome. Every time, I swear I'll never do it again...but then I get lonely and horny and hopeful again and I'm right back at it.

I just want to turn off the part of my brain that remembers how nice it feels to kiss someone, to get dressed up and go on a date, to laugh and feel wanted and want someone.



Submitted April 08, 2019 at 09:40PM

I feel like I've been heartbroken my whole life.In every other area of life, I've done okay. I have lots of good friends. I'm a good mom. I did great in college (and even just received a fellowship for grad school). I own my own home. My job isn't super prestigious or exciting, but I'm good at it, it pays the bills, and my coworkers love me.But dating...dating has been a constant source of agony for me. I've never had a healthy or successful long term relationship, but God knows I've worn myself out looking and hoping for one. What this means is that all of my twenties and thirties so far have been wasted on unhealthy, painful or unsatisfying relationships.I don't deny I am the problem. Obviously I am. I'm the common factor.So how can I just stop wanting it? How can I stop being attracted to men and craving their desire? How can I stop hoping that I might one day "get lucky" and find someone to be with? It is obvious at this point that it just isn't going to happen.It doesn't even make sense that I still want it at this point. I should have developed a natural aversion to it. It feels like running back over and over to put my hand on the hot stove eye, hoping for a different outcome. Every time, I swear I'll never do it again...but then I get lonely and horny and hopeful again and I'm right back at it.I just want to turn off the part of my brain that remembers how nice it feels to kiss someone, to get dressed up and go on a date, to laugh and feel wanted and want someone.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Add Comments, Posts, Links... etc.

Popular posts from this blog

The difference between being right and being understood

My boyfriend and I are 28. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years and recently moved in together. He’s a pretty patient and easygoing person (Type B) whereas I’m more particular (Type A). Of course there are two sides to every trait, and my Type A nature benefits us in some ways too. Like all couples, we have differences in perspective or preference. When this happens, he will usually say something like “I disagree (with your perspective) but fine.” I tend to push the issue in an attempt to get him to understand where I’m coming from. This escalates the disagreement into a fight because he perceives it as me trying to be “right”. I truly just want to be understood (and I want to understand where he’s coming from) so I’m looking for more of a dialogue whereas he avoids conflict and just wants it to be over as quickly as possible. His general approach is “agree to disagree” but that doesn’t make sense to me when it’s an issue that will keep coming up and requires compromise. I’m n...
Read more

My (27f) gf (27f) is getting tired of me not sharing intimate/ personal info about me

I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love with her, however I can not seem to open up... and I can tell it’s frustrating to her by the way she tells me it bothers her that she feels she’s the only one committed and the one that’s always sharing... At this point I don’t even know if it is that I’ve gotten too used to it, to the point I’ve became lazy to talk about myself or give any genuine personal opinion... it sucks, really, I need to communicate better... Where do I start? Tl;dr: I can’t be completely intimate with my gf and its frustrating her, I need to communicate better because I really love her... where to start? Submitted April 25, 2019 at 06:02AM I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love ...
Read more

My (23M) girlfriend (25F) relationship is confusing to me. I might be the problem, or maybe we are just incompatible.

I met my girlfriend after a few serious breakups that led me to change both intentionally and unintentionally over a few years. For better and for worse. She had just gotten out of an engagement with a verbally and physically abusive man who had a cocaine problem. We have been together about 8 months now. We hit it off and spent a lot of time together but she began to push our relationship as if there were a time clock for milestones. I was pressed beyond my comfort zone and went with it because of my affection for her. My living situation fell apart and I lost a few thousand dollars to shit roommates right around the time she and I met and she offered to let me stay with her. I agreed with some resistance. I pay for food, help her with bills, and throw money toward rent while trying to get back on my feet. As long as we have been together she has gotten more possessive, angry, and irrational. She is dealing with shit from her engagement and I feel shes looking for a level of seriou...
Read more