How to really just give it up for good?

I feel like I've been heartbroken my whole life.

In every other area of life, I've done okay. I have lots of good friends. I'm a good mom. I did great in college (and even just received a fellowship for grad school). I own my own home. My job isn't super prestigious or exciting, but I'm good at it, it pays the bills, and my coworkers love me.

But dating...dating has been a constant source of agony for me. I've never had a healthy or successful long term relationship, but God knows I've worn myself out looking and hoping for one. What this means is that all of my twenties and thirties so far have been wasted on unhealthy, painful or unsatisfying relationships.

I don't deny I am the problem. Obviously I am. I'm the common factor.

So how can I just stop wanting it? How can I stop being attracted to men and craving their desire? How can I stop hoping that I might one day "get lucky" and find someone to be with? It is obvious at this point that it just isn't going to happen.

It doesn't even make sense that I still want it at this point. I should have developed a natural aversion to it. It feels like running back over and over to put my hand on the hot stove eye, hoping for a different outcome. Every time, I swear I'll never do it again...but then I get lonely and horny and hopeful again and I'm right back at it.

I just want to turn off the part of my brain that remembers how nice it feels to kiss someone, to get dressed up and go on a date, to laugh and feel wanted and want someone.



Submitted April 08, 2019 at 09:40PM

I feel like I've been heartbroken my whole life.In every other area of life, I've done okay. I have lots of good friends. I'm a good mom. I did great in college (and even just received a fellowship for grad school). I own my own home. My job isn't super prestigious or exciting, but I'm good at it, it pays the bills, and my coworkers love me.But dating...dating has been a constant source of agony for me. I've never had a healthy or successful long term relationship, but God knows I've worn myself out looking and hoping for one. What this means is that all of my twenties and thirties so far have been wasted on unhealthy, painful or unsatisfying relationships.I don't deny I am the problem. Obviously I am. I'm the common factor.So how can I just stop wanting it? How can I stop being attracted to men and craving their desire? How can I stop hoping that I might one day "get lucky" and find someone to be with? It is obvious at this point that it just isn't going to happen.It doesn't even make sense that I still want it at this point. I should have developed a natural aversion to it. It feels like running back over and over to put my hand on the hot stove eye, hoping for a different outcome. Every time, I swear I'll never do it again...but then I get lonely and horny and hopeful again and I'm right back at it.I just want to turn off the part of my brain that remembers how nice it feels to kiss someone, to get dressed up and go on a date, to laugh and feel wanted and want someone.
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