When should I assume that a person is sending me signals of interest?

I remember a recent question on r/AskReddit, entitled "Women of reddit, what's the most obvious hint you gave to a guy that he didn't pick up on?" It got several interesting responses, many of which did not read to me like obvious signals of interest:

• From u/paige120: "I literally wrapped my arms around him from behind and told him how cute I though the was." If a woman did that to me, completely out of the blue, I would assume that she was making fun of me. I'd be really embarrassed.

• From u/Honey_Pot77: "I told a few friends I had tried to flirt with a guy for a while and he was in that group of friends. He asked about the guy in question and I described him. Absolutely zero recognition on his face." Why would I assume that she was talking about me when she was explicitly referring to somebody else? Even if he sounds physically similar to me, there's plenty of other guys in the world that she's far more likely to be talking about.

• From u/Phunkbot5000: "Once had a girl come back to my dorm in college, and she was like 'it's super late and I don't want to walk all the way to my room, I'm gonna sleep in your bed.' (She lived across the hall) And I said, 'Dope, I'm not that tired anyway and I don't have anything to do tomorrow, so you can sleep, and I'll just sleep after you wake up.'" To repeat what I said at the time: "If I were in his position, I would have assumed the same thing - she was too tired to walk down the hall to her dorm and wanted to crash at my place for a while."

• From u/LadyAK904: "Wanna come over?" Unless this is someone who I had already been dating, this would read to me as nothing more than an invitation to hang out, even at night. I'd anticipate video games, or a small group of friends playing poker.

• From u/xxchar69xx: "Worked at kroger , super super cuttie pie comes in with some friends they grab like 3 items and go through my line, I ring up the items and ask if they have a kroger card (discount savings card) she said that she doesn't have a card I said " that is ok you can enter your number " she looks at me with her super cute face and said " can I have your?" I said" i apologize its policy that I can't let you use my number for the kroger discount" she walked out very upset and the older guy that was bagging said " You're a fuckin idiot" it was at that time I understood I was a worthless virgin" I wouldn't interpret that as flirting. If it were me, I'd assume that she just wanted to use my phone number for the discount rather than giving hers away to a complete stranger. The cute face was her way of trying to sucker me into saying yes.

• From u/New2Tacoma: "Asked cashier girl for her number to save like 75 cents, she punches it in right in front of me without spinning the keypad around and says "hit enter whenever you like!" while her number just sits on the screen. I say something like "wow, it's impressive you can do that backwards without looking at the keypad!" Immediately press enter, pay for my rum, and leave." So? She typed her number into the keypad without looking at the screen. The screen facing me doesn't mean I have permission to write her number down.

• From u/meXJustXme: "'That's a really nice belt. It would look better on my floor' while tugging at it and biting my lip" She's just toying with me. She's having fun. It doesn't mean she actually wants sex, for fuck's sake.

• From u/PimpDaddyo: "We get to the theater and J let’s G sit next to me. I actually have a thing for G but I am 1000% sure she isn’t into me so I don’t think anything of it. Halfway through the movie, at a peak scare point in the film, she grabs my hand and holds on with both of hers. My retarded self is still positive she doesn’t like me. We proceed to hold hands for the next hour until the movie ends. We go home. We never talk about it again." I'm a close guy friend. She was scared and wanted to hold somebody's hand. That doesn't mean she's into me in that way.

• From u/imgrodd: "Had a crush on a girl for years, but never had the courage to do anything. I think she eventually found out and we started hanging out together but she never says anything. She asks me to go out to a club, we hang out, drink, enjoy each other's company. She invites me to her place, normally she has housemates but that night, it was just her. She invites me to her room, she lays on her bed. That night I ended up going home without getting the hint." Inviting me into her room could mean anything. Maybe she just wanted to talk. Maybe she just likes hanging out in there. You don't just assume that somebody wants you to have sex with them just because they invite you to their room after going out, especially if it wasn't explicitly a date.

• From u/Rhi-David: "I called him cute, said I’d love to come to his New Years Party which he invited me to after hearing I had no plans. I matched with him on tinder right in front of him on New Years, and he thought it was a joke 🙄" I would have assumed that it was a joke as well.

• From u/YoMomIsANiceLady: "I'm a guy, spent an evening at a party with a really hot girl from a different town who didn't have a place to stay. She stayed at mine. I let her sleep in my bed and said I'll stay on the floor. She said 'No way. Come join me.' So I did. She took off her pants cause 'She likes sleeping in just her underwear.' Then pulled me closer and started rubbing her lips against mine and rubbing my inner thigh. Needless to say, we went to sleep after a few minutes." This is the only instance I've found where I would actually be inclined to assume that she's interested (starting from the point where she's rubbing her lips against mine). However, consent for some suggestive activity does not imply consent for others. Her giving me semi-kisses and stroking my thigh is not permission for me to touch her breasts, or to get undressed. It also doesn't give me the right to ask her for those things if she doesn't initiate beyond that.

I even have my own version of that same story. Back in high school, I was talking with some friends and one of the girls among them (who I liked) was teaching me some terms in another language. One of which she translated to, "What are you doing after school?" I thought she was just playing around with me. Although I did play along, I didn't take it seriously. She was very attractive; me, not so much. It didn't feel realistic for me to entertain the idea that she would seriously be interested in me as anything more than a friend. I doubt she meant anything by it.

As a hard rule, I do not assume that somebody is attracted to me in any way unless they explicitly tell me that they are. And if somebody isn't attracted to me, I do not ask them out on a date. If I ask a woman out at the wrong time, it could make her uncomfortable, which I have no right to do. Making a woman uncomfortable can run the risk of social ostracism, or of being called out for inappropriate behavior or harassment. I have no faith in my ability to read the room properly, so in my case, it's always better to err on the side of caution.

However, I think that most people see me as having the opposite problem - they think I tend to read too far into things and assume mutual interest when there is none. Check out this post (and subsequent repost) I made a few months back, and specifically read my replies to these three comments. Try to read what I've written there without slapping your hand against your forehead and going, "Dude... fuck. She does not like you in that way. How much more clearly can it be spelled out to you before you get it through that thick fucking skull of yours? Stop trying to fool yourself into thinking that she does. Take the fucking hint and MOVE ON!"

I'm 25 (soon to be 26), and I have never gone on a genuine date in my life. I've never even kissed a woman, let alone had sex or been in a relationship. As far as I know, nobody is attracted to me. But even if they were, I wouldn't know how to tell. Should I just take a chance? Or would that get me into trouble because of how clueless I am?

Tl;dr: I don't know how to tell if a woman is interested in me or not. I usually assume that she isn't unless she explicitly state otherwise, and I never allow myself to ask anyone out. What should I do?

Submitted May 13, 2019 at 06:04AM

I remember a recent question on r/AskReddit, entitled "Women of reddit, what's the most obvious hint you gave to a guy that he didn't pick up on?" It got several interesting responses, many of which did not read to me like obvious signals of interest:From u/paige120: "I literally wrapped my arms around him from behind and told him how cute I though the was." If a woman did that to me, completely out of the blue, I would assume that she was making fun of me. I'd be really embarrassed.From u/Honey_Pot77: "I told a few friends I had tried to flirt with a guy for a while and he was in that group of friends. He asked about the guy in question and I described him. Absolutely zero recognition on his face." Why would I assume that she was talking about me when she was explicitly referring to somebody else? Even if he sounds physically similar to me, there's plenty of other guys in the world that she's far more likely to be talking about.From u/Phunkbot5000: "Once had a girl come back to my dorm in college, and she was like 'it's super late and I don't want to walk all the way to my room, I'm gonna sleep in your bed.' (She lived across the hall) And I said, 'Dope, I'm not that tired anyway and I don't have anything to do tomorrow, so you can sleep, and I'll just sleep after you wake up.'" To repeat what I said at the time: "If I were in his position, I would have assumed the same thing - she was too tired to walk down the hall to her dorm and wanted to crash at my place for a while."From u/LadyAK904: "Wanna come over?" Unless this is someone who I had already been dating, this would read to me as nothing more than an invitation to hang out, even at night. I'd anticipate video games, or a small group of friends playing poker.From u/xxchar69xx: "Worked at kroger , super super cuttie pie comes in with some friends they grab like 3 items and go through my line, I ring up the items and ask if they have a kroger card (discount savings card) she said that she doesn't have a card I said " that is ok you can enter your number " she looks at me with her super cute face and said " can I have your?" I said" i apologize its policy that I can't let you use my number for the kroger discount" she walked out very upset and the older guy that was bagging said " You're a fuckin idiot" it was at that time I understood I was a worthless virgin" I wouldn't interpret that as flirting. If it were me, I'd assume that she just wanted to use my phone number for the discount rather than giving hers away to a complete stranger. The cute face was her way of trying to sucker me into saying yes.From u/New2Tacoma: "Asked cashier girl for her number to save like 75 cents, she punches it in right in front of me without spinning the keypad around and says "hit enter whenever you like!" while her number just sits on the screen. I say something like "wow, it's impressive you can do that backwards without looking at the keypad!" Immediately press enter, pay for my rum, and leave." So? She typed her number into the keypad without looking at the screen. The screen facing me doesn't mean I have permission to write her number down.From u/meXJustXme: "'That's a really nice belt. It would look better on my floor' while tugging at it and biting my lip" She's just toying with me. She's having fun. It doesn't mean she actually wants sex, for fuck's sake.From u/PimpDaddyo: "We get to the theater and J let’s G sit next to me. I actually have a thing for G but I am 1000% sure she isn’t into me so I don’t think anything of it. Halfway through the movie, at a peak scare point in the film, she grabs my hand and holds on with both of hers. My retarded self is still positive she doesn’t like me. We proceed to hold hands for the next hour until the movie ends. We go home. We never talk about it again." I'm a close guy friend. She was scared and wanted to hold somebody's hand. That doesn't mean she's into me in that way.From u/imgrodd: "Had a crush on a girl for years, but never had the courage to do anything. I think she eventually found out and we started hanging out together but she never says anything. She asks me to go out to a club, we hang out, drink, enjoy each other's company. She invites me to her place, normally she has housemates but that night, it was just her. She invites me to her room, she lays on her bed. That night I ended up going home without getting the hint." Inviting me into her room could mean anything. Maybe she just wanted to talk. Maybe she just likes hanging out in there. You don't just assume that somebody wants you to have sex with them just because they invite you to their room after going out, especially if it wasn't explicitly a date.From u/Rhi-David: "I called him cute, said I’d love to come to his New Years Party which he invited me to after hearing I had no plans. I matched with him on tinder right in front of him on New Years, and he thought it was a joke 🙄" I would have assumed that it was a joke as well.From u/YoMomIsANiceLady: "I'm a guy, spent an evening at a party with a really hot girl from a different town who didn't have a place to stay. She stayed at mine. I let her sleep in my bed and said I'll stay on the floor. She said 'No way. Come join me.' So I did. She took off her pants cause 'She likes sleeping in just her underwear.' Then pulled me closer and started rubbing her lips against mine and rubbing my inner thigh. Needless to say, we went to sleep after a few minutes." This is the only instance I've found where I would actually be inclined to assume that she's interested (starting from the point where she's rubbing her lips against mine). However, consent for some suggestive activity does not imply consent for others. Her giving me semi-kisses and stroking my thigh is not permission for me to touch her breasts, or to get undressed. It also doesn't give me the right to ask her for those things if she doesn't initiate beyond that.I even have my own version of that same story. Back in high school, I was talking with some friends and one of the girls among them (who I liked) was teaching me some terms in another language. One of which she translated to, "What are you doing after school?" I thought she was just playing around with me. Although I did play along, I didn't take it seriously. She was very attractive; me, not so much. It didn't feel realistic for me to entertain the idea that she would seriously be interested in me as anything more than a friend. I doubt she meant anything by it.As a hard rule, I do not assume that somebody is attracted to me in any way unless they explicitly tell me that they are. And if somebody isn't attracted to me, I do not ask them out on a date. If I ask a woman out at the wrong time, it could make her uncomfortable, which I have no right to do. Making a woman uncomfortable can run the risk of social ostracism, or of being called out for inappropriate behavior or harassment. I have no faith in my ability to read the room properly, so in my case, it's always better to err on the side of caution.However, I think that most people see me as having the opposite problem - they think I tend to read too far into things and assume mutual interest when there is none. Check out this post (and subsequent repost) I made a few months back, and specifically read my replies to these three comments. Try to read what I've written there without slapping your hand against your forehead and going, "Dude... fuck. She does not like you in that way. How much more clearly can it be spelled out to you before you get it through that thick fucking skull of yours? Stop trying to fool yourself into thinking that she does. Take the fucking hint and MOVE ON!"I'm 25 (soon to be 26), and I have never gone on a genuine date in my life. I've never even kissed a woman, let alone had sex or been in a relationship. As far as I know, nobody is attracted to me. But even if they were, I wouldn't know how to tell. Should I just take a chance? Or would that get me into trouble because of how clueless I am?Tl;dr: I don't know how to tell if a woman is interested in me or not. I usually assume that she isn't unless she explicitly state otherwise, and I never allow myself to ask anyone out. What should I do?