How do I (22F) tell my boyfriend (26M) that crying as a male is not something he has to be ashamed of?

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, we moved in together pretty quickly (7 months after our first date) and I feel really lucky to have found him. This is his first real relationship (so he says) and he was kind of inexperienced but I never really minded. I thoght it was cute. He is working a pretty high stress job (writes software) and is usually pretty down after work. Two days ago he was lying on the couch watching tv. I sat next to him and put his head in my lap and started gently stroking his hair. He suddenly started to sob lightly. I had no idea how to react and asked what was wrong but he didn't give me an answer. Just kept crying for a few minutes then went to sleep without saying a word.

In the morning he was laughing about it saying it was just a joke. I found his behaviour really irritating (the deflecting, not the crying) and I know 100% there is something deeper going on. I always knew he was prone to depression, I have never actually seen him cry but he seems really sad sometimes. Like he has weeks where he seems super happy, goes out to run/bike and then there are weeks where he barely talks, sits at home in his pajamas and watches old movies. It sometimes feels like he just looks at the tv with a thousand yard stare instead of actually watching the movie in front of him.

He has been kind of distant since he cried in front of me, we didn't have any sex afterwards either and I usually don't have to do a lot while initiating. It's 1AM here and he is sitting in the living room "watching" some documentary instead of coming to bed and I have no idea whats going on in his head. How can I get him to open up?

Tldr: boyfriend suddenly cried when I was stroking his hair and now is very distant and cold



Submitted March 19, 2020 at 12:05AM

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, we moved in together pretty quickly (7 months after our first date) and I feel really lucky to have found him. This is his first real relationship (so he says) and he was kind of inexperienced but I never really minded. I thoght it was cute. He is working a pretty high stress job (writes software) and is usually pretty down after work. Two days ago he was lying on the couch watching tv. I sat next to him and put his head in my lap and started gently stroking his hair. He suddenly started to sob lightly. I had no idea how to react and asked what was wrong but he didn't give me an answer. Just kept crying for a few minutes then went to sleep without saying a word.In the morning he was laughing about it saying it was just a joke. I found his behaviour really irritating (the deflecting, not the crying) and I know 100% there is something deeper going on. I always knew he was prone to depression, I have never actually seen him cry but he seems really sad sometimes. Like he has weeks where he seems super happy, goes out to run/bike and then there are weeks where he barely talks, sits at home in his pajamas and watches old movies. It sometimes feels like he just looks at the tv with a thousand yard stare instead of actually watching the movie in front of him.He has been kind of distant since he cried in front of me, we didn't have any sex afterwards either and I usually don't have to do a lot while initiating. It's 1AM here and he is sitting in the living room "watching" some documentary instead of coming to bed and I have no idea whats going on in his head. How can I get him to open up?Tldr: boyfriend suddenly cried when I was stroking his hair and now is very distant and cold
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