My (m/26) girlfriend (f/22) of 10 months thinks that she’s dead weight because she’s less experienced with positive relationships. How should I respond?

TRIGGER WARNING: abuse

My girlfriend of 10 months is a survivor of intense abuse of just about every type you can imagine. Our relationship is one of the first - if not the first - positive ones she’s ever had. She’s also extremely precocious, and takes it personally when she gets something wrong.

The thing is, she’s new to someone treating her positively. We’ve both learned a lot from our relationship, but she (at least visibly) has learned a lot more than I do. She views herself as a dead weight for not “getting things right” the first time. We have a wonderful relationship, and I don’t think she’s lesser for this. Everyone starts somewhere. I can say all of this to her and comfort her in the moment and it helps sometimes, but sometimes I’m met with “Easy for you to say, you’re not constantly fucking up.”

I’m trying to find something to say that reframes the conversation so that she can find a more positive way to view it, and she doesn’t feel so guilty. Does anyone have any ideas?

TL;DR: My girlfriend is hard on herself because she’s new to positive relationships, and has a lot to learn. What can I say to reframe the conversation and give her a different way to view it?



Submitted October 14, 2019 at 11:05PM

TRIGGER WARNING: abuseMy girlfriend of 10 months is a survivor of intense abuse of just about every type you can imagine. Our relationship is one of the first - if not the first - positive ones she’s ever had. She’s also extremely precocious, and takes it personally when she gets something wrong.The thing is, she’s new to someone treating her positively. We’ve both learned a lot from our relationship, but she (at least visibly) has learned a lot more than I do. She views herself as a dead weight for not “getting things right” the first time. We have a wonderful relationship, and I don’t think she’s lesser for this. Everyone starts somewhere. I can say all of this to her and comfort her in the moment and it helps sometimes, but sometimes I’m met with “Easy for you to say, you’re not constantly fucking up.”I’m trying to find something to say that reframes the conversation so that she can find a more positive way to view it, and she doesn’t feel so guilty. Does anyone have any ideas?TL;DR: My girlfriend is hard on herself because she’s new to positive relationships, and has a lot to learn. What can I say to reframe the conversation and give her a different way to view it?
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