Did I (35f) push him (38m) to cheat?

We had lived together for 3 years. Several bad things happened that caused me to push him away a little more each time. First of all, I discovered he had been texting flirtatiously with a co-worker. That stopped, but a little bit of my trust in him died. Then I found out he was texting another woman we both know. When I asked him about it, he at first tried to deny that he texts her at all. He then tried to blame me saying I am so jealous and paranoid after the co-worker incident that he just "didn't want to deal with it".

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More trust died. Then he was texting some other woman (I know I sound like an idiot here now), and I told him I wanted to read their texts. He showed me his phone and he had deleted the texts. (as a side note, I later found out that there was nothing inappropriate in their texts). I was furious that he would be dumb enough to delete texts between himself and another woman, so I told him I was considering moving out. I did move out of our bedroom and start sleeping on the pullout couch.

​

In my defence, I was lost. I had no idea what to do with my partner's behavior. It sounds manipulative, but I guess I hoped that by showing him how serious this was (could potentially cause me to leave) that he would understand. This state went on for 6 weeks.

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This is when he started having an affair. While having an affair, he was also telling me he WASN'T having an affair and telling me that I had no reason to be so paranoid all the time. He was furious that I was considering leaving our relationship. But after I found out, he said that it was my fault because as soon as I moved out of our bedroom and started talking about potentially looking for another place to live, he owed me nothing. He said he lied to me about the other woman because he didn't WANT me to leave and was hopeful that maybe I would reconsider.

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Did I basically cause him to cheat? I'm so confused by everything that's happened.

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tldr: I told my boyfriend I was considering leaving because he was (again) texting another girl and deleting their texts. He decided at that point to go ahead and have an affair. Did I cause it?



Submitted October 14, 2019 at 11:25PM

We had lived together for 3 years. Several bad things happened that caused me to push him away a little more each time. First of all, I discovered he had been texting flirtatiously with a co-worker. That stopped, but a little bit of my trust in him died. Then I found out he was texting another woman we both know. When I asked him about it, he at first tried to deny that he texts her at all. He then tried to blame me saying I am so jealous and paranoid after the co-worker incident that he just "didn't want to deal with it".​More trust died. Then he was texting some other woman (I know I sound like an idiot here now), and I told him I wanted to read their texts. He showed me his phone and he had deleted the texts. (as a side note, I later found out that there was nothing inappropriate in their texts). I was furious that he would be dumb enough to delete texts between himself and another woman, so I told him I was considering moving out. I did move out of our bedroom and start sleeping on the pullout couch.​In my defence, I was lost. I had no idea what to do with my partner's behavior. It sounds manipulative, but I guess I hoped that by showing him how serious this was (could potentially cause me to leave) that he would understand. This state went on for 6 weeks.​This is when he started having an affair. While having an affair, he was also telling me he WASN'T having an affair and telling me that I had no reason to be so paranoid all the time. He was furious that I was considering leaving our relationship. But after I found out, he said that it was my fault because as soon as I moved out of our bedroom and started talking about potentially looking for another place to live, he owed me nothing. He said he lied to me about the other woman because he didn't WANT me to leave and was hopeful that maybe I would reconsider.​Did I basically cause him to cheat? I'm so confused by everything that's happened.​tldr: I told my boyfriend I was considering leaving because he was (again) texting another girl and deleting their texts. He decided at that point to go ahead and have an affair. Did I cause it?
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