Did I (35f) push him (38m) to cheat?

We had lived together for 3 years. Several bad things happened that caused me to push him away a little more each time. First of all, I discovered he had been texting flirtatiously with a co-worker. That stopped, but a little bit of my trust in him died. Then I found out he was texting another woman we both know. When I asked him about it, he at first tried to deny that he texts her at all. He then tried to blame me saying I am so jealous and paranoid after the co-worker incident that he just "didn't want to deal with it".

​

More trust died. Then he was texting some other woman (I know I sound like an idiot here now), and I told him I wanted to read their texts. He showed me his phone and he had deleted the texts. (as a side note, I later found out that there was nothing inappropriate in their texts). I was furious that he would be dumb enough to delete texts between himself and another woman, so I told him I was considering moving out. I did move out of our bedroom and start sleeping on the pullout couch.

​

In my defence, I was lost. I had no idea what to do with my partner's behavior. It sounds manipulative, but I guess I hoped that by showing him how serious this was (could potentially cause me to leave) that he would understand. This state went on for 6 weeks.

​

This is when he started having an affair. While having an affair, he was also telling me he WASN'T having an affair and telling me that I had no reason to be so paranoid all the time. He was furious that I was considering leaving our relationship. But after I found out, he said that it was my fault because as soon as I moved out of our bedroom and started talking about potentially looking for another place to live, he owed me nothing. He said he lied to me about the other woman because he didn't WANT me to leave and was hopeful that maybe I would reconsider.

​

Did I basically cause him to cheat? I'm so confused by everything that's happened.

​

tldr: I told my boyfriend I was considering leaving because he was (again) texting another girl and deleting their texts. He decided at that point to go ahead and have an affair. Did I cause it?



Submitted October 14, 2019 at 11:25PM

We had lived together for 3 years. Several bad things happened that caused me to push him away a little more each time. First of all, I discovered he had been texting flirtatiously with a co-worker. That stopped, but a little bit of my trust in him died. Then I found out he was texting another woman we both know. When I asked him about it, he at first tried to deny that he texts her at all. He then tried to blame me saying I am so jealous and paranoid after the co-worker incident that he just "didn't want to deal with it".​More trust died. Then he was texting some other woman (I know I sound like an idiot here now), and I told him I wanted to read their texts. He showed me his phone and he had deleted the texts. (as a side note, I later found out that there was nothing inappropriate in their texts). I was furious that he would be dumb enough to delete texts between himself and another woman, so I told him I was considering moving out. I did move out of our bedroom and start sleeping on the pullout couch.​In my defence, I was lost. I had no idea what to do with my partner's behavior. It sounds manipulative, but I guess I hoped that by showing him how serious this was (could potentially cause me to leave) that he would understand. This state went on for 6 weeks.​This is when he started having an affair. While having an affair, he was also telling me he WASN'T having an affair and telling me that I had no reason to be so paranoid all the time. He was furious that I was considering leaving our relationship. But after I found out, he said that it was my fault because as soon as I moved out of our bedroom and started talking about potentially looking for another place to live, he owed me nothing. He said he lied to me about the other woman because he didn't WANT me to leave and was hopeful that maybe I would reconsider.​Did I basically cause him to cheat? I'm so confused by everything that's happened.​tldr: I told my boyfriend I was considering leaving because he was (again) texting another girl and deleting their texts. He decided at that point to go ahead and have an affair. Did I cause it?
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Add Comments, Posts, Links... etc.

Popular posts from this blog

The difference between being right and being understood

My boyfriend and I are 28. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years and recently moved in together. He’s a pretty patient and easygoing person (Type B) whereas I’m more particular (Type A). Of course there are two sides to every trait, and my Type A nature benefits us in some ways too. Like all couples, we have differences in perspective or preference. When this happens, he will usually say something like “I disagree (with your perspective) but fine.” I tend to push the issue in an attempt to get him to understand where I’m coming from. This escalates the disagreement into a fight because he perceives it as me trying to be “right”. I truly just want to be understood (and I want to understand where he’s coming from) so I’m looking for more of a dialogue whereas he avoids conflict and just wants it to be over as quickly as possible. His general approach is “agree to disagree” but that doesn’t make sense to me when it’s an issue that will keep coming up and requires compromise. I’m n...
Read more

My (27f) gf (27f) is getting tired of me not sharing intimate/ personal info about me

I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love with her, however I can not seem to open up... and I can tell it’s frustrating to her by the way she tells me it bothers her that she feels she’s the only one committed and the one that’s always sharing... At this point I don’t even know if it is that I’ve gotten too used to it, to the point I’ve became lazy to talk about myself or give any genuine personal opinion... it sucks, really, I need to communicate better... Where do I start? Tl;dr: I can’t be completely intimate with my gf and its frustrating her, I need to communicate better because I really love her... where to start? Submitted April 25, 2019 at 06:02AM I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love ...
Read more

My (23M) girlfriend (25F) relationship is confusing to me. I might be the problem, or maybe we are just incompatible.

I met my girlfriend after a few serious breakups that led me to change both intentionally and unintentionally over a few years. For better and for worse. She had just gotten out of an engagement with a verbally and physically abusive man who had a cocaine problem. We have been together about 8 months now. We hit it off and spent a lot of time together but she began to push our relationship as if there were a time clock for milestones. I was pressed beyond my comfort zone and went with it because of my affection for her. My living situation fell apart and I lost a few thousand dollars to shit roommates right around the time she and I met and she offered to let me stay with her. I agreed with some resistance. I pay for food, help her with bills, and throw money toward rent while trying to get back on my feet. As long as we have been together she has gotten more possessive, angry, and irrational. She is dealing with shit from her engagement and I feel shes looking for a level of seriou...
Read more