My (30F) boyfriend (34M) of 8 months is amazing in every way but one... He isn't interested in sex because he has anxiety issues around it.

I'm not kidding when I say he's amazing. I've never been treated so well and had such a thoughtful, sweet, devoted partner who I trust. He respects my need for space and time with my friends and helps when I'm sick and with my animals, we get along so well, he encourages me, never yells or acts aggressive, isn't manipulative or sneaky, extremely intelligent and driven, compassionate, attractive, treats me with the most respect I've ever had, and he's my absolute best friend.

He also deals with my mental health issues and never makes me feel bad about being bipolar or having panic attacks (I've been assaulted twice and take ptsd meds). This is super important to me.

We met around 8 months post divorce from my only real adult relationship of 12 years (17-29) with a man who was 10 years older and abusive.

I did the whole tinder dating thing for a bit, had fun, learned more about what I liked and didn't like, etc... Fun but got old.

Met current guy, B, went on two dates in January, had sex which was good, and the next day he asked me to be his gf. I was over the whole casual thing at that point and we really had hit it off and being freshly 30 I figured why not since my goals at this point are find compatible mate (thought we were?) , have a family in next couple years kind of thing since my career and financial life are all in order.

Well after we started dating sex stopped. Like all of it. I tried everything I knew how to entice him, expensive lingerie, sexting (which he participated in), discussing interests, offering mastubating in front of him, trying to initiate with foreplay, etc... Open communication and trying to learn what makes him happy and satisfied while being confident in myself kind of stuff. He shut down every single advance for 5-6 weeks, I spent many nights crying not understanding. I was up front I have a high drive, from date one. I tend to not want to waste time and lay out who I am early on so if it's a bad fit we go our separate ways. He did not let on he had these issues due to his own shame, which I understand but still. Sucks.

Not to toot my own horn but I'm attractive and have a mlot going for me. I've never had kids, I'm in good shape and well groomed regularly, and I like sex and have always gotten good feedback, I'm an engineer so I'm intelligent, Im open minded, genuinely care about my partners interests both in and out of bed, and so on. Never had any issues with sex with anyone not wanting it before, plenty of issues with too many people being up in my business but never someone who wanted to date me but not sleep with me.

I went a little nuts post divorce since I'd never really been single and finding dates was easy for me. I have a very high sex drive most the time so I had fun but looked at this as an opportunity to tone it down so stuck it out. Lack of dating experience pretty evident here for making that choice and then I fell for him pretty hard despite this.

He swore he'd figure out his issue and was finally honest after 5-6 weeks in with no sex that he has performance issues that are because he's so anxious about it. OK, I can work with that, what does he need, what would help, I'm all ears and supportive. I also communicated my need for sex in a relationship. Like DOZENS of times now. But he hasn't really done any work on it, he's embarrassed and afraid and doesn't know how to fix it. Won't try pills or therapy, I think due to embarrassement. He won't go down on me or finger me or anything either and won't even accept oral from me. I've even tried breaking it off several times but my ex husband would come back around and ug I really like B.

Plus B is really great and my ideal in every other way. It's been hard because I love him and desire him. Sex has happened 12 times in 8 months and I can be a 1+ time a day person sometimes so yeah this isn't working for me.... Now I just hate myself for wanting sex because I can't see this working out despite him being everything else I want in a partner.

I tried again yesterday to tell him we need to call it, it's been 2 months and no sex and I'm going crazy and we're both wasting time and getting hurt. I can't even touch myself anymore because it leads me to wanting actual sex and he won't accept any of my advances. Like has moved my naked body off his telling me no several times or ignoring when I wear lingerie and goes and plays video games instead kind of thing. And I hate myself.

He freaked out yesterday saying I'm the love of his life, he wants to make this work and have a life with me and he wants to stop being this person afraid of sex and said he'd do anything to try and make it better. I want to believe it but he's said so in the past. He stayed last night and we could have had sex then or this morning, he did actually touch my hip this morning (he rarely touches me at all in bed even cuddling) but I was half asleep and fell back asleep and I guess that was his attempt. I sleep naked, he does not.

Is there any way to salvage this relationship??? I'm really sad over this and I'm breaking his heart too. But I'm starting to romanticize past unhealthy things and considering stepping out, which I've told him as much because of how unsatisfied I am sexually.

What can I do?

TL;DR: Bf of 8 months has serious anxiety issues around sex and just won't do it, it's happened 12 times in 8 months. I have a high drive and am going crazy. I've tried talking to him about it dozens of times and he is just so afraid he doesn't ever do anything about it or take care of me at all either. I'm starting to really really hate myself for wanting sex. He's my ideal in every way other than this and I don't want me need for sex to ruin it. Is there anything I can do to save this?

Submitted September 09, 2019 at 11:19PM

I'm not kidding when I say he's amazing. I've never been treated so well and had such a thoughtful, sweet, devoted partner who I trust. He respects my need for space and time with my friends and helps when I'm sick and with my animals, we get along so well, he encourages me, never yells or acts aggressive, isn't manipulative or sneaky, extremely intelligent and driven, compassionate, attractive, treats me with the most respect I've ever had, and he's my absolute best friend.He also deals with my mental health issues and never makes me feel bad about being bipolar or having panic attacks (I've been assaulted twice and take ptsd meds). This is super important to me.We met around 8 months post divorce from my only real adult relationship of 12 years (17-29) with a man who was 10 years older and abusive.I did the whole tinder dating thing for a bit, had fun, learned more about what I liked and didn't like, etc... Fun but got old.Met current guy, B, went on two dates in January, had sex which was good, and the next day he asked me to be his gf. I was over the whole casual thing at that point and we really had hit it off and being freshly 30 I figured why not since my goals at this point are find compatible mate (thought we were?) , have a family in next couple years kind of thing since my career and financial life are all in order.Well after we started dating sex stopped. Like all of it. I tried everything I knew how to entice him, expensive lingerie, sexting (which he participated in), discussing interests, offering mastubating in front of him, trying to initiate with foreplay, etc... Open communication and trying to learn what makes him happy and satisfied while being confident in myself kind of stuff. He shut down every single advance for 5-6 weeks, I spent many nights crying not understanding. I was up front I have a high drive, from date one. I tend to not want to waste time and lay out who I am early on so if it's a bad fit we go our separate ways. He did not let on he had these issues due to his own shame, which I understand but still. Sucks.Not to toot my own horn but I'm attractive and have a mlot going for me. I've never had kids, I'm in good shape and well groomed regularly, and I like sex and have always gotten good feedback, I'm an engineer so I'm intelligent, Im open minded, genuinely care about my partners interests both in and out of bed, and so on. Never had any issues with sex with anyone not wanting it before, plenty of issues with too many people being up in my business but never someone who wanted to date me but not sleep with me.I went a little nuts post divorce since I'd never really been single and finding dates was easy for me. I have a very high sex drive most the time so I had fun but looked at this as an opportunity to tone it down so stuck it out. Lack of dating experience pretty evident here for making that choice and then I fell for him pretty hard despite this.He swore he'd figure out his issue and was finally honest after 5-6 weeks in with no sex that he has performance issues that are because he's so anxious about it. OK, I can work with that, what does he need, what would help, I'm all ears and supportive. I also communicated my need for sex in a relationship. Like DOZENS of times now. But he hasn't really done any work on it, he's embarrassed and afraid and doesn't know how to fix it. Won't try pills or therapy, I think due to embarrassement. He won't go down on me or finger me or anything either and won't even accept oral from me. I've even tried breaking it off several times but my ex husband would come back around and ug I really like B.Plus B is really great and my ideal in every other way. It's been hard because I love him and desire him. Sex has happened 12 times in 8 months and I can be a 1+ time a day person sometimes so yeah this isn't working for me.... Now I just hate myself for wanting sex because I can't see this working out despite him being everything else I want in a partner.I tried again yesterday to tell him we need to call it, it's been 2 months and no sex and I'm going crazy and we're both wasting time and getting hurt. I can't even touch myself anymore because it leads me to wanting actual sex and he won't accept any of my advances. Like has moved my naked body off his telling me no several times or ignoring when I wear lingerie and goes and plays video games instead kind of thing. And I hate myself.He freaked out yesterday saying I'm the love of his life, he wants to make this work and have a life with me and he wants to stop being this person afraid of sex and said he'd do anything to try and make it better. I want to believe it but he's said so in the past. He stayed last night and we could have had sex then or this morning, he did actually touch my hip this morning (he rarely touches me at all in bed even cuddling) but I was half asleep and fell back asleep and I guess that was his attempt. I sleep naked, he does not.Is there any way to salvage this relationship??? I'm really sad over this and I'm breaking his heart too. But I'm starting to romanticize past unhealthy things and considering stepping out, which I've told him as much because of how unsatisfied I am sexually.What can I do?TL;DR: Bf of 8 months has serious anxiety issues around sex and just won't do it, it's happened 12 times in 8 months. I have a high drive and am going crazy. I've tried talking to him about it dozens of times and he is just so afraid he doesn't ever do anything about it or take care of me at all either. I'm starting to really really hate myself for wanting sex. He's my ideal in every way other than this and I don't want me need for sex to ruin it. Is there anything I can do to save this?