I (21M) have trust issues with my (19F) girlfriend.

tl;dr: girlfriend has lied in the past about having an inappropriate relationship with someone online, we get over it. present day, she was inappropriately talking a guy and telling me it was just a joke.

Back in April, my girlfriend was talking to some random guy (John) on a discord server. If you don't know discord, it's basically like a chatroom. John pinged her saying "I want to have your kids". I didn't think much of it because it's just discord. Then I noticed she how often she would talk to him in the server, and noticed on her snapchat that she was talking to someone with the same name as him. I confronted her about it, and she swore and swore that it was an old friend, and even called him in front of me to confirm it. I believed her about it and we moved on from it.

In June, she needed to get her phone checked out, so I helped her out and took her to get it fixed. We are sitting around waiting for it to get fixed, and I notice out of nowhere, she becomes quiet and seems irritated. When her phone gets back to her, she walks off like I wasn't there, and goes back to my car. We drive back to her house, and as soon as we're there, she immediately gets out of the car and goes inside. I'm pretty pissed, since I just helped her out and she randomly acts irritated, but I try and calmly ask her what's up. She continues to be rude, plainly saying "k thanks" after I told her how I noticed she seemed off, so I resign and tell her I'm leaving and that I need the clothes I left at her place. She tosses the clothes at me, which just made me more mad, I thought how often it seems like I give up my own time to help her, which I truly don't mind doing if I am treated how a significant other should be treated, and how it seems like she has been taking me for granted. I leave telling her I've wasted my time and I text her I need to change my priorities and that I don't want to hear from her for a few days, she gives a really half-assed response saying something like "i was just upset, i said thanks so i'm not taking you for granted." I don't respond to her for three days.

Three days later, I decide to talk to her and she's upset about how I said I need to change priorities and did not text her, that is all she addresses. I point out how she was acting and told that instead of thinking "wow, i was acting really shitty. i shouldn't have done that.", she thought "wow i can't believe he would act so rude to me, after i had just been so rude to him." She understood and apologized, so we moved on.

In July one night, she was asleep on me and her phone was nearby, so I took it take a picture of her. I opened snapchat, and saw her John friend. It didn't feel right, but I looked at their conversations. It turned out to be the John from discord. I saw him saying things about how she's cute, but didn't see much from her end. However, in the three day gap where I didn't talk to her, I saw she said "we should just date". I woke her up and told her I saw what she was saying and told her I think I need to break up with you. She was crying and not saying anything, so I left. A few days later, I tell her I need to see her in person. We meet and talk, she's a very poor communicator, so I mainly talk. I figure it was her own insecurities that led her to keep a guy around to validate her, and that in those three days I was gone, she wanted to feel something. She admits to that, and tells me that in the time between me saying "I think I need to break up with you." and now, she's been reflecting and realizes how stupid she was and apologizes. She cries in my arms for a while, and I decide to stay with her.

My friend Anthony had been talking to me about a problem he had with his girlfriend. He was uncomfortable with her talking and making friends with guys that flirt with her, and I talked to my girlfriend about it to see her side of Anthony's problem. I told her that when girls compliment my looks, I politely say thanks, mention how I'm in a relationship and put them on the backburner, not trying to make friends with them, and just being polite. That does not mean I would stop making friends with girls, but I do not try and become friends with girls that try to flirt with me, because I believe it's disrespectful to my significant other and I would expect whoever I'm with to feel the same.

A few weeks ago, she's been talking to her girl friends who add her to a group chat with a bunch of other friends. She talks to a guy, I'll just call him Jake, in the chat privately, which I don't think much of. One night, I was playing some game on her phone and got a message from him calling her cute, and she tells me how "yeah idk why he said that, i'm done talking to him".

Just today, I slept over at her place and woke up around 12. I couldn't find my phone, so I took her phone to call mine, and see in her recent calls, at 4am she was video chatting with someone with the same name as him on instagram. In the moment, I remember what I felt when I found out she was talking to John, saying "we should date", so I looked at what they were saying. My girlfriend had been saying "why don't you ever respond :(, i'm trying to get your attention", and jake wanted to video call her. She said something like how she was in the bathroom, and he said something like "call me still". I saw enough so I go back to finding my phone.

She wakes up while I'm looking for it, and I asked her about someone calling her at 4am. She vaguely says it's just her friend, until I have to come out and ask her is it that one person Jake, she says yes. I didn't want to deal with it in person, so I left and texted her how I saw her conversation and how she was desperately trying to get his attention, and basically how fucked up the same thing with Jake is happening again and that I want a break. She tells me it was all just a joke and how if I'm not over what happened with John, we should just break up. I asked her, if she really believed I would think "oh, they're just joking!" after this has actually been a serious problem for us. She responds, he doesn't like me, he has a girlfriend and was asking me about relationships. I ask her what would she think, if I had lied to talking to some guy in the past, and am now videocalling with someone else at 4am. She tells me how she would not be with me if she did not trust me, she would ask about it but not hostile about it. She said she knows how it looks but it's not true and is upset that I looked at her phone.

What do you people think about this situation?

other than these few instances that I’ve mentioned, we have a really good relationship. We’ve shared a lot of deep things we haven’t told anyone, and spend a lot of time with each other.

Submitted September 09, 2019 at 11:39PM

tl;dr: girlfriend has lied in the past about having an inappropriate relationship with someone online, we get over it. present day, she was inappropriately talking a guy and telling me it was just a joke.Back in April, my girlfriend was talking to some random guy (John) on a discord server. If you don't know discord, it's basically like a chatroom. John pinged her saying "I want to have your kids". I didn't think much of it because it's just discord. Then I noticed she how often she would talk to him in the server, and noticed on her snapchat that she was talking to someone with the same name as him. I confronted her about it, and she swore and swore that it was an old friend, and even called him in front of me to confirm it. I believed her about it and we moved on from it.In June, she needed to get her phone checked out, so I helped her out and took her to get it fixed. We are sitting around waiting for it to get fixed, and I notice out of nowhere, she becomes quiet and seems irritated. When her phone gets back to her, she walks off like I wasn't there, and goes back to my car. We drive back to her house, and as soon as we're there, she immediately gets out of the car and goes inside. I'm pretty pissed, since I just helped her out and she randomly acts irritated, but I try and calmly ask her what's up. She continues to be rude, plainly saying "k thanks" after I told her how I noticed she seemed off, so I resign and tell her I'm leaving and that I need the clothes I left at her place. She tosses the clothes at me, which just made me more mad, I thought how often it seems like I give up my own time to help her, which I truly don't mind doing if I am treated how a significant other should be treated, and how it seems like she has been taking me for granted. I leave telling her I've wasted my time and I text her I need to change my priorities and that I don't want to hear from her for a few days, she gives a really half-assed response saying something like "i was just upset, i said thanks so i'm not taking you for granted." I don't respond to her for three days.Three days later, I decide to talk to her and she's upset about how I said I need to change priorities and did not text her, that is all she addresses. I point out how she was acting and told that instead of thinking "wow, i was acting really shitty. i shouldn't have done that.", she thought "wow i can't believe he would act so rude to me, after i had just been so rude to him." She understood and apologized, so we moved on.In July one night, she was asleep on me and her phone was nearby, so I took it take a picture of her. I opened snapchat, and saw her John friend. It didn't feel right, but I looked at their conversations. It turned out to be the John from discord. I saw him saying things about how she's cute, but didn't see much from her end. However, in the three day gap where I didn't talk to her, I saw she said "we should just date". I woke her up and told her I saw what she was saying and told her I think I need to break up with you. She was crying and not saying anything, so I left. A few days later, I tell her I need to see her in person. We meet and talk, she's a very poor communicator, so I mainly talk. I figure it was her own insecurities that led her to keep a guy around to validate her, and that in those three days I was gone, she wanted to feel something. She admits to that, and tells me that in the time between me saying "I think I need to break up with you." and now, she's been reflecting and realizes how stupid she was and apologizes. She cries in my arms for a while, and I decide to stay with her.My friend Anthony had been talking to me about a problem he had with his girlfriend. He was uncomfortable with her talking and making friends with guys that flirt with her, and I talked to my girlfriend about it to see her side of Anthony's problem. I told her that when girls compliment my looks, I politely say thanks, mention how I'm in a relationship and put them on the backburner, not trying to make friends with them, and just being polite. That does not mean I would stop making friends with girls, but I do not try and become friends with girls that try to flirt with me, because I believe it's disrespectful to my significant other and I would expect whoever I'm with to feel the same.A few weeks ago, she's been talking to her girl friends who add her to a group chat with a bunch of other friends. She talks to a guy, I'll just call him Jake, in the chat privately, which I don't think much of. One night, I was playing some game on her phone and got a message from him calling her cute, and she tells me how "yeah idk why he said that, i'm done talking to him".Just today, I slept over at her place and woke up around 12. I couldn't find my phone, so I took her phone to call mine, and see in her recent calls, at 4am she was video chatting with someone with the same name as him on instagram. In the moment, I remember what I felt when I found out she was talking to John, saying "we should date", so I looked at what they were saying. My girlfriend had been saying "why don't you ever respond :(, i'm trying to get your attention", and jake wanted to video call her. She said something like how she was in the bathroom, and he said something like "call me still". I saw enough so I go back to finding my phone.She wakes up while I'm looking for it, and I asked her about someone calling her at 4am. She vaguely says it's just her friend, until I have to come out and ask her is it that one person Jake, she says yes. I didn't want to deal with it in person, so I left and texted her how I saw her conversation and how she was desperately trying to get his attention, and basically how fucked up the same thing with Jake is happening again and that I want a break. She tells me it was all just a joke and how if I'm not over what happened with John, we should just break up. I asked her, if she really believed I would think "oh, they're just joking!" after this has actually been a serious problem for us. She responds, he doesn't like me, he has a girlfriend and was asking me about relationships. I ask her what would she think, if I had lied to talking to some guy in the past, and am now videocalling with someone else at 4am. She tells me how she would not be with me if she did not trust me, she would ask about it but not hostile about it. She said she knows how it looks but it's not true and is upset that I looked at her phone.What do you people think about this situation?other than these few instances that I’ve mentioned, we have a really good relationship. We’ve shared a lot of deep things we haven’t told anyone, and spend a lot of time with each other.