My (19M) Father wants to kick me out because I left Islam and I really don't know what to do now! Please help.

P.S: Sorry for my bad English as it’s not my first language.

I was born and raised in a pretty moderate muslim family. However things started to change when I was 15, when I slowly came to know more about Islam. It made realise how wrong and false it was! I couldn't get myself to follow it any more, because my inner belief just sorta disappeared.

However, I kept these all to myself. All until this year, I was finally fed up and decided to confront my parents about this. I tried to subtly throw clues at them. I didn't have the courage of saying it up to their face. But they had already suspected me for quite a while because I don't pray, I don't want to fast. So, when I tried to bring up the conversation with why god miiight not exist, he for a minute put on a smile and laughed it all off, making me think he was very much ok with my thoughts and supports my opinions. So, me being the fool I am, confessed to him right away how I don’t think any sorts of religion is not true, how I don't like the fact Islam gets soo many things wrong even if it claims to be the perfect religion!

But all on a sudden, thunder stroke in what I thought to be a clear sky. He replied that, "Listen OP, I'd suspected it for a long time. Now everything is clear to me. See, I don't care what you think or what you 'believe', if you want to stay in my house, you have to abide by Islam. Either you go by my rules. Or you leave! I don’t want to burn in hell because of you. Allah surely punishes them who doesn't raise up their kids properly." I shed into tears and almost had a mental breakdown. I went to my mother, who, seeing me cry tried to comfort me, but then I realized she was also trying to emotionally blackmail me! She kept on saying, "Everything will be ok, son. From tomorrow on you’re gonna pray 5 times a day. It'll all be ok. The Shaitaan (devil) inside you will definitely leave." She was weeping. I couldn't say something as I thought It‘'d hurt her feelings. She also started taking to my father about getting a Hujur (like priests) for me so they can talk me out of my 'evil thoughts'. I was going fucking insane at this point!

A moment later my father came back to me and tried to comfort me. Patting on my back, running his hand through my hair. He said about how much he loved me, and started complaining what hasn't he done for me from my childhood that I decided to "walk in the path of the devil." Basically he started to emotionally blackmail me. My mom also joined in the drama soon and started nagging about how I would cause my father a heart attack and eventually kill him. I felt really guilty after that. My father then told, listen son, what happened happened, from tomorrow on, you will be a new person. You and I together shall pray 5 times a day. I'm sure Allah will take you back.

I was totally mindfucked! I'd never expected my parents who I always thought to be cool turn out this monstrous and manipulative when it came to religion. Yet looking at my father's sad face, I decided to try to go on with what they were saying. I keep faking my prayers. Didn’t talk with them much anymore. Things started to cool down a bit.

However it all started back again tonight. As you guys might know, Ramadan has started and Muslims have to fast for a whole month. They have to get up early at dawn and begin fasting before sunrise. As a backstory I'd like to tell that I pretty much fucked up my sleep schedule in this lockdown, and was desperately trying to fix it. Yesterday I finally got into sleeping at 12am. (slept at 7am before) But tonight they woke me up at 3:30 in the morning. I was fucking pissed off! I started saying shit up their face as I was woken up in the middle of my sleep and I was in a dream like state. I didn’t want to fast and tried to go back to sleep again

It all started over again like a loop! My father started rambling about how he'd kick me out of the house if I don't fast and so on. He even gave me two big slaps! I am so sick of this happening over and over again now! I don't know what to do! I’m emotionally breaking down. And even though I'm 18 I don’t have nowhere to go either. (Even if it weren't for quarantine) As a muslim majority country, our culture is unlike that of the US, where teens are encouraged to go out and live on their own. Adding to this, I had my higher secondary exams (Grade 12 completion) this april but all's delayed indefinitely due to the coronavirus situation. So it'll be held as soon as the fire starts to calm down a little bit. I don’t know how I'll survive out in the world if I am truly kicked out at this certain point in life. I have zero to no life skills that will help me survive this battlefield of life. I can’t even get a good job as even the shittiest paying jobs require a bachelor's degree in our country. I really don't know what to do! My mental health was already starting to deteriorate being cooped up in my home for such a long time. And now this! I’m starting to lose my mind. I can't even go back to sleep, that’s why I decided to tell my story to sleep. It’s 5:30am now and my head's bursting due to lack of sleep! But I can't fall asleep either.

TL;DR: I lost my faith and decided to tell my parents about it, but now they are physically and emotionally abusing me into 'coming back' to Islam.

Submitted April 25, 2020 at 11:38PM

P.S: Sorry for my bad English as it’s not my first language.I was born and raised in a pretty moderate muslim family. However things started to change when I was 15, when I slowly came to know more about Islam. It made realise how wrong and false it was! I couldn't get myself to follow it any more, because my inner belief just sorta disappeared.However, I kept these all to myself. All until this year, I was finally fed up and decided to confront my parents about this. I tried to subtly throw clues at them. I didn't have the courage of saying it up to their face. But they had already suspected me for quite a while because I don't pray, I don't want to fast. So, when I tried to bring up the conversation with why god miiight not exist, he for a minute put on a smile and laughed it all off, making me think he was very much ok with my thoughts and supports my opinions. So, me being the fool I am, confessed to him right away how I don’t think any sorts of religion is not true, how I don't like the fact Islam gets soo many things wrong even if it claims to be the perfect religion!But all on a sudden, thunder stroke in what I thought to be a clear sky. He replied that, "Listen OP, I'd suspected it for a long time. Now everything is clear to me. See, I don't care what you think or what you 'believe', if you want to stay in my house, you have to abide by Islam. Either you go by my rules. Or you leave! I don’t want to burn in hell because of you. Allah surely punishes them who doesn't raise up their kids properly." I shed into tears and almost had a mental breakdown. I went to my mother, who, seeing me cry tried to comfort me, but then I realized she was also trying to emotionally blackmail me! She kept on saying, "Everything will be ok, son. From tomorrow on you’re gonna pray 5 times a day. It'll all be ok. The Shaitaan (devil) inside you will definitely leave." She was weeping. I couldn't say something as I thought It‘'d hurt her feelings. She also started taking to my father about getting a Hujur (like priests) for me so they can talk me out of my 'evil thoughts'. I was going fucking insane at this point!A moment later my father came back to me and tried to comfort me. Patting on my back, running his hand through my hair. He said about how much he loved me, and started complaining what hasn't he done for me from my childhood that I decided to "walk in the path of the devil." Basically he started to emotionally blackmail me. My mom also joined in the drama soon and started nagging about how I would cause my father a heart attack and eventually kill him. I felt really guilty after that. My father then told, listen son, what happened happened, from tomorrow on, you will be a new person. You and I together shall pray 5 times a day. I'm sure Allah will take you back.I was totally mindfucked! I'd never expected my parents who I always thought to be cool turn out this monstrous and manipulative when it came to religion. Yet looking at my father's sad face, I decided to try to go on with what they were saying. I keep faking my prayers. Didn’t talk with them much anymore. Things started to cool down a bit.However it all started back again tonight. As you guys might know, Ramadan has started and Muslims have to fast for a whole month. They have to get up early at dawn and begin fasting before sunrise. As a backstory I'd like to tell that I pretty much fucked up my sleep schedule in this lockdown, and was desperately trying to fix it. Yesterday I finally got into sleeping at 12am. (slept at 7am before) But tonight they woke me up at 3:30 in the morning. I was fucking pissed off! I started saying shit up their face as I was woken up in the middle of my sleep and I was in a dream like state. I didn’t want to fast and tried to go back to sleep againIt all started over again like a loop! My father started rambling about how he'd kick me out of the house if I don't fast and so on. He even gave me two big slaps! I am so sick of this happening over and over again now! I don't know what to do! I’m emotionally breaking down. And even though I'm 18 I don’t have nowhere to go either. (Even if it weren't for quarantine) As a muslim majority country, our culture is unlike that of the US, where teens are encouraged to go out and live on their own. Adding to this, I had my higher secondary exams (Grade 12 completion) this april but all's delayed indefinitely due to the coronavirus situation. So it'll be held as soon as the fire starts to calm down a little bit. I don’t know how I'll survive out in the world if I am truly kicked out at this certain point in life. I have zero to no life skills that will help me survive this battlefield of life. I can’t even get a good job as even the shittiest paying jobs require a bachelor's degree in our country. I really don't know what to do! My mental health was already starting to deteriorate being cooped up in my home for such a long time. And now this! I’m starting to lose my mind. I can't even go back to sleep, that’s why I decided to tell my story to sleep. It’s 5:30am now and my head's bursting due to lack of sleep! But I can't fall asleep either.TL;DR: I lost my faith and decided to tell my parents about it, but now they are physically and emotionally abusing me into 'coming back' to Islam.