Doubting myself [23M] and my relationship [22F]

First off, I apologize if it seems confusing, I’m not too good at storytelling. I know I’ll be looking at the bad things but it’s just overwhelming at this point...

Every time we fight it’s because I say something that offends her or I don’t do something her way, which then leads to me being the bad guy because I don’t do enough and I will never be able to understand and I never go out of my way to make sure she’s alright. We’ve been together 3.5 years and this has always happened and both have almost ended it once each (almost broken up twice) and now I think it might be time to end it for good...

My parents brought it up the other week, that when she comes to visit they don’t see her determination to interact with the family, cause she’s always on her phone (even with me, I can talk for minutes and she won’t hear anything because she’s on her phone). I brought up to them, that she was raised very differently from us and they understood but they wanted me to see that being a couple means, being in an even relationship and doing things for the benefit of the relationship. Since, I’ve been reflecting on our relationship and feeling like this relationship is one sided.

I really don’t know how this relationship will keep working if she throwing tantrums when we’re apart (2 hours from each other, I would drive but I left my car at our apartment with her since I wasn’t going to use it). It’s only been two weeks and I call her every night before bed and text her good morning and randomly text her throughout the day. I’m sorry the attention I give you isn’t enough, because then I’m the bad guy for not doing “enough”. I’ve offered to go back for a week or two but she only wants me for a day. This only happens when I’m away but when she leaves, it’s basically “boyfriend who!?”

With our fights, we both deal with them very differently/similarly that it always makes things worse. We both shut down. Usually, I’ll break and try to apologize first and she’ll stay quiet and won’t talk for a while... if I leave she’ll start accusing me of not wanting to fix things. At that point i go back and I’m emotionally overwhelmed and shut down and not knowing what to say. She says I give up too easily when apologizing but I can only do so much when she doesn’t say anything. Once she said, she would only respond if it was worth responding and I’m sure she still has that mentality. At the end of it all I’m the only one to apologize because it was my fault..

At this point I’ve just lost confidence in myself, and simmering in my thoughts, genuinely think she can be happier with someone else. I might be skiing myself but I know the doubt is there. Part of why I’m holding myself from doing so is because we both live together (with a third roommate who’s her friend) and I’m not I could find some one to move in , with the current situation and second I’m scared of going through the process again.

I’m not trying to paint her picture as a horrible person, she’s sweet and headstrong.

My heart says it’s time but my mind says to stay... it knows the pain that will come if I run but will I really be happy if I stay??

TL/DR: I think our way of dealing with each other is toxic. I love her but I think I might be time to let go.

Submitted April 26, 2020 at 12:15AM

First off, I apologize if it seems confusing, I’m not too good at storytelling. I know I’ll be looking at the bad things but it’s just overwhelming at this point...Every time we fight it’s because I say something that offends her or I don’t do something her way, which then leads to me being the bad guy because I don’t do enough and I will never be able to understand and I never go out of my way to make sure she’s alright. We’ve been together 3.5 years and this has always happened and both have almost ended it once each (almost broken up twice) and now I think it might be time to end it for good...My parents brought it up the other week, that when she comes to visit they don’t see her determination to interact with the family, cause she’s always on her phone (even with me, I can talk for minutes and she won’t hear anything because she’s on her phone). I brought up to them, that she was raised very differently from us and they understood but they wanted me to see that being a couple means, being in an even relationship and doing things for the benefit of the relationship. Since, I’ve been reflecting on our relationship and feeling like this relationship is one sided.I really don’t know how this relationship will keep working if she throwing tantrums when we’re apart (2 hours from each other, I would drive but I left my car at our apartment with her since I wasn’t going to use it). It’s only been two weeks and I call her every night before bed and text her good morning and randomly text her throughout the day. I’m sorry the attention I give you isn’t enough, because then I’m the bad guy for not doing “enough”. I’ve offered to go back for a week or two but she only wants me for a day. This only happens when I’m away but when she leaves, it’s basically “boyfriend who!?”With our fights, we both deal with them very differently/similarly that it always makes things worse. We both shut down. Usually, I’ll break and try to apologize first and she’ll stay quiet and won’t talk for a while... if I leave she’ll start accusing me of not wanting to fix things. At that point i go back and I’m emotionally overwhelmed and shut down and not knowing what to say. She says I give up too easily when apologizing but I can only do so much when she doesn’t say anything. Once she said, she would only respond if it was worth responding and I’m sure she still has that mentality. At the end of it all I’m the only one to apologize because it was my fault..At this point I’ve just lost confidence in myself, and simmering in my thoughts, genuinely think she can be happier with someone else. I might be skiing myself but I know the doubt is there. Part of why I’m holding myself from doing so is because we both live together (with a third roommate who’s her friend) and I’m not I could find some one to move in , with the current situation and second I’m scared of going through the process again.I’m not trying to paint her picture as a horrible person, she’s sweet and headstrong.My heart says it’s time but my mind says to stay... it knows the pain that will come if I run but will I really be happy if I stay??TL/DR: I think our way of dealing with each other is toxic. I love her but I think I might be time to let go.