My (33f) husbands (35m) driving sometimes makes me fear for my life.

My husband has a fast and powerful car. He is a great husband in most ways with one exception.

On about seven or so occasions, he has made stupid, reckless and dangerous manoeuvres while driving with me in his passenger seat that have caused me to fear for my life in the moment. It is literally the only thing we have ever fought about in 7 years of knowing each other.

It usually involves him either speeding, passing other cars on bends/hills/narrow roads without being able to see whether the road ahead is clear, or driving aggressively when another motorist annoys him. Sometimes a combination.

Each time it has happened, I have called him out on his behavior and this is what happens- he gets mad at ME. Gets defensive. Denies he did anything wrong. Refuses to review his dashcam footage after the fact, or to share it with me(he has it password protected so I can’t even access it as proof.) Doesn’t apologise immediately, (nor even just soon!) afterwards for terrifying me and endangering me or the other motorists- instead gives me a grumpy cold shoulder.

This makes me so angry that I can’t speak to him at all, so usually we would continue our journey and the rest of the day in silence.

After a while of not speaking, he turns it around to make out like I’m the one in the wrong for not talking to him.

It happened again today- he passed a slower moving vehicle because it was annoying him in an extremely narrow place and on a steep uphill incline such that we couldn’t see if a car was coming over the crest in front of us. There was literally nowhere for us or the other vehicle to go in the event that there was an oncoming car, and we were less than a car’s length away from the top by the time we could pull back into lane... if another car had been oncoming, both we and they would have had a head-on collision at speed. This is a familiar road to us and he didn’t have the patience to wait to overtake another couple of hundred meters ahead with a safe, clear downhill view.

I called him out on it, he denied he did anything wrong, cue the cold shoulder from him and silent anger from me.

Then he said when we reached our destination “how long you gonna keep this up for?”

Usually when he does something like that, after a while then he just goes back to acting as if nothing happened. Like he’s trying to ignore it or just not take responsibility for his actions and sweep it under the carpet. That makes me even angrier. If it was a mistake, fine- we all make stupid mistakes sometimes when driving, so do I. But I ALWAYS acknowledge when I am in the wrong, apologise if I gave any passenger a fright and check they’re ok. The difference is, those are genuine accidents, but whenever he does this dangerous stuff it is usually deliberate- a risky decision or something aggressive and reactionary.

The last few times it’s happened I have waited until much later, usually that evening when he is talking to me again (When he is trying to carry on like nothing has happened) to say “we need to talk. You made me fear for my life again today. Driving like that is unacceptable. I think you owe me an apology.” And the last couple of times when I have done this he has then apologised.

But of course an apology is not easy to accept when you have to go looking for it in the first place. And it rings hollow knowing he’ll say sorry tonight, but pull another stupid manoeuvre with me in the car again on another day. It’s not like he isn’t going to do this again.

So, I’ve had enough. I gave him an ultimatum tonight. How can I love somebody who recklessly endangers my life and others?

I am sleeping in a different room tonight because I had to go and ask him for an apology again this evening and I am just way too angry and too hurt and it has happened too many times now that I can’t just accept that insincere apology and climb back in beside him to sleep.

I made an agreement with him this evening. From now on, whenever we have to go somewhere together, either we each drive our own cars there separately, or I drive us both. I don’t feel safe to be a passenger in his car anymore.

I also asked him to share with me his dashcam footage from today’s journey because I have a right to it too. He hasn’t done so yet and I wouldn’t be surprised if he deletes it. He doesn’t want me to have the proof that he was at fault. Obviously if he wasn’t in the wrong he would have nothing to hide.

Where do we go from here?

Should I involve his family at this point? I considered telling them because I think they would support me, especially if I had dashcam footage. They would try to get through to him.

Has anybody else had similar experience with a spouse or a loved one driving dangerously and how did you deal with it?

Does anybody have suggestions to improve communication with my husband?

Has anybody got other suggestions to help me to help him change his behaviour?

What do you think of my arrangement with him- that either I drive us both or we drive separately from now on?

TL;DR my (33f) husband’s (35m) sometimes reckless driving makes me fear for my life. Gave him an ultimatum tonight. Want to work this out, but trust is damaged after repeated incidents and insincere apologies. Not sure what to do anymore.

Submitted January 01, 2020 at 11:50PM

My husband has a fast and powerful car. He is a great husband in most ways with one exception.On about seven or so occasions, he has made stupid, reckless and dangerous manoeuvres while driving with me in his passenger seat that have caused me to fear for my life in the moment. It is literally the only thing we have ever fought about in 7 years of knowing each other.It usually involves him either speeding, passing other cars on bends/hills/narrow roads without being able to see whether the road ahead is clear, or driving aggressively when another motorist annoys him. Sometimes a combination.Each time it has happened, I have called him out on his behavior and this is what happens- he gets mad at ME. Gets defensive. Denies he did anything wrong. Refuses to review his dashcam footage after the fact, or to share it with me(he has it password protected so I can’t even access it as proof.) Doesn’t apologise immediately, (nor even just soon!) afterwards for terrifying me and endangering me or the other motorists- instead gives me a grumpy cold shoulder.This makes me so angry that I can’t speak to him at all, so usually we would continue our journey and the rest of the day in silence.After a while of not speaking, he turns it around to make out like I’m the one in the wrong for not talking to him.It happened again today- he passed a slower moving vehicle because it was annoying him in an extremely narrow place and on a steep uphill incline such that we couldn’t see if a car was coming over the crest in front of us. There was literally nowhere for us or the other vehicle to go in the event that there was an oncoming car, and we were less than a car’s length away from the top by the time we could pull back into lane... if another car had been oncoming, both we and they would have had a head-on collision at speed. This is a familiar road to us and he didn’t have the patience to wait to overtake another couple of hundred meters ahead with a safe, clear downhill view.I called him out on it, he denied he did anything wrong, cue the cold shoulder from him and silent anger from me.Then he said when we reached our destination “how long you gonna keep this up for?”Usually when he does something like that, after a while then he just goes back to acting as if nothing happened. Like he’s trying to ignore it or just not take responsibility for his actions and sweep it under the carpet. That makes me even angrier. If it was a mistake, fine- we all make stupid mistakes sometimes when driving, so do I. But I ALWAYS acknowledge when I am in the wrong, apologise if I gave any passenger a fright and check they’re ok. The difference is, those are genuine accidents, but whenever he does this dangerous stuff it is usually deliberate- a risky decision or something aggressive and reactionary.The last few times it’s happened I have waited until much later, usually that evening when he is talking to me again (When he is trying to carry on like nothing has happened) to say “we need to talk. You made me fear for my life again today. Driving like that is unacceptable. I think you owe me an apology.” And the last couple of times when I have done this he has then apologised.But of course an apology is not easy to accept when you have to go looking for it in the first place. And it rings hollow knowing he’ll say sorry tonight, but pull another stupid manoeuvre with me in the car again on another day. It’s not like he isn’t going to do this again.So, I’ve had enough. I gave him an ultimatum tonight. How can I love somebody who recklessly endangers my life and others?I am sleeping in a different room tonight because I had to go and ask him for an apology again this evening and I am just way too angry and too hurt and it has happened too many times now that I can’t just accept that insincere apology and climb back in beside him to sleep.I made an agreement with him this evening. From now on, whenever we have to go somewhere together, either we each drive our own cars there separately, or I drive us both. I don’t feel safe to be a passenger in his car anymore.I also asked him to share with me his dashcam footage from today’s journey because I have a right to it too. He hasn’t done so yet and I wouldn’t be surprised if he deletes it. He doesn’t want me to have the proof that he was at fault. Obviously if he wasn’t in the wrong he would have nothing to hide.Where do we go from here?Should I involve his family at this point? I considered telling them because I think they would support me, especially if I had dashcam footage. They would try to get through to him.Has anybody else had similar experience with a spouse or a loved one driving dangerously and how did you deal with it?Does anybody have suggestions to improve communication with my husband?Has anybody got other suggestions to help me to help him change his behaviour?What do you think of my arrangement with him- that either I drive us both or we drive separately from now on?TL;DR my (33f) husband’s (35m) sometimes reckless driving makes me fear for my life. Gave him an ultimatum tonight. Want to work this out, but trust is damaged after repeated incidents and insincere apologies. Not sure what to do anymore.