33F and 32M struggling to connect after having first child

Hey Reddit,

Long time lurker, first time poster. I know this is a super common issue, but I just need to vent/would love some input in my current situation. Hubs(32M) and I(33F) are pretty well "set up" in life, we have college degrees, careers, we bought a house and we've been together almost 7 years, married for 3. Date night and intimacy were a very regular thing with us. Last January we had our first child, and life has been chaos ever since. We have lost all connection and intimacy. I breastfeed so I'm the one up with the child every night and I work as a nurse, so only 3 days a week, so the majority of the child care has fallen on me. Its gotten to the point where I'm in this routine of taking care of the child, and husband is in the routine of taking care of himself, and we rarely interact or have any intimacy. I can count the times we've had sex on one hand. Same with actually going out on a date without the child. At this point I feel like we are just super awesome room mates. He pays his half the bills, I pay my half. He picks up the kiddo from daycare when I work and might give him a bath and feed him. But we very rarely spend any time together as a couple. We hardly go on dates, we hardly even touch each other, even a simple hug.

His parents were in town for an entire week and would have happily baby sat for us, but zero effort was made to go on a date. By either of us. In the past I have tried to arrange a sitter so we could go out together, but the only sitter he likes is a college student with a busy life of her own, so she isn't always available. I've had my friends: CNAs and other nurses, watch my kiddo but husband always seems to freak out and go get the kid from them, to the point where I'm now embarrassed to ask anyone else to watch him.

My birthday is next week, and I made plans to go out with a female friend of mine. I plan to leave around 3pm, go see a movie, have some dinner and a couple of drinks and be back home by 10pm. My husband will have to feed the kid dinner, do bath and bed time by himself.

I inform my husband of my plans and he becomes angry, says I never let him take me out and insists I cancel with my friend so he can take me out that day instead. I don't cancel because I have a feeling, and tell him if he can find a sitter I would totally love to spend my birthday with him instead.

Of course, the one and only sitter he approves of is busy on the day I want to go out. I don't know what I'm looking for here. Validation? A place to vent? Someone to tell me I'm not the asshole? Or maybe someone to tell me I am the asshole.

Any advice reddit?

​

Tl:DR husband and I never go out on dates, have sex, or have any sort of intimacy since having a kid. Husband makes no attempts to plan dates, and refuses most baby sitters I suggest. I make plans to go out with a close friend for my birthday, husband is mad. Am I the asshole here?



Submitted January 02, 2020 at 12:15AM

Hey Reddit,Long time lurker, first time poster. I know this is a super common issue, but I just need to vent/would love some input in my current situation. Hubs(32M) and I(33F) are pretty well "set up" in life, we have college degrees, careers, we bought a house and we've been together almost 7 years, married for 3. Date night and intimacy were a very regular thing with us. Last January we had our first child, and life has been chaos ever since. We have lost all connection and intimacy. I breastfeed so I'm the one up with the child every night and I work as a nurse, so only 3 days a week, so the majority of the child care has fallen on me. Its gotten to the point where I'm in this routine of taking care of the child, and husband is in the routine of taking care of himself, and we rarely interact or have any intimacy. I can count the times we've had sex on one hand. Same with actually going out on a date without the child. At this point I feel like we are just super awesome room mates. He pays his half the bills, I pay my half. He picks up the kiddo from daycare when I work and might give him a bath and feed him. But we very rarely spend any time together as a couple. We hardly go on dates, we hardly even touch each other, even a simple hug.His parents were in town for an entire week and would have happily baby sat for us, but zero effort was made to go on a date. By either of us. In the past I have tried to arrange a sitter so we could go out together, but the only sitter he likes is a college student with a busy life of her own, so she isn't always available. I've had my friends: CNAs and other nurses, watch my kiddo but husband always seems to freak out and go get the kid from them, to the point where I'm now embarrassed to ask anyone else to watch him.My birthday is next week, and I made plans to go out with a female friend of mine. I plan to leave around 3pm, go see a movie, have some dinner and a couple of drinks and be back home by 10pm. My husband will have to feed the kid dinner, do bath and bed time by himself.I inform my husband of my plans and he becomes angry, says I never let him take me out and insists I cancel with my friend so he can take me out that day instead. I don't cancel because I have a feeling, and tell him if he can find a sitter I would totally love to spend my birthday with him instead.Of course, the one and only sitter he approves of is busy on the day I want to go out. I don't know what I'm looking for here. Validation? A place to vent? Someone to tell me I'm not the asshole? Or maybe someone to tell me I am the asshole.Any advice reddit?​Tl:DR husband and I never go out on dates, have sex, or have any sort of intimacy since having a kid. Husband makes no attempts to plan dates, and refuses most baby sitters I suggest. I make plans to go out with a close friend for my birthday, husband is mad. Am I the asshole here?
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