I [34M] don't know how to talk to my wife [28F] anymore

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so here's hoping the Reddit community can lend some ears (eyes).

Apologies if this is hard to read...I'm not good at expressing thoughts into words.

We've been together for 8 years and been married for 6.

It started off really well. We had the same values and goals/ambitions in life which made me want to spend the rest of my life with her. We got married but we were still young and wanted some new experiences to ourselves before settling down. Our plan was to live abroad, work and travel for a couple of years, save money along the way then return home and start a family.

So we moved half way across the world to a different country in a much busier city.

We did actually create a lot of memories and to all of our friends and family back home it looked like we were living the glorious life style and always out travelling. It wasn't really - it was all relative. Compared to other friends who did the same thing (lived abroad, etc) they travelled far more..though they weren't married so I guess they had the freedom of mind to do so.

Living abroad in a new country has its perks but it was also stressful. We had troubles finding a job to begin with, so our financial situation wasn't great. That created a lot of pressure and it caused us to fight a lot more. I think this is where it all started to fall apart.

She started to change. Not in the sense that she has a different personality but her goals, ambitions and values were no longer the same. She didn't want to settle down anymore and wanted to live and enjoy life. Absolutely nothing wrong with that but the difference was for the last 5 years we've been living pay check to pay check with no savings for a rainy day, even though we've both got well paying jobs. Every time I try to control the spending she gets upset and we end up fighting. I end up giving way and we "compromise".

She loves living abroad in this city and I am homesick but we agreed to stick to it. A couple of years became 3, which then became 4 and now there's no end in sight. I kept making excuses for myself as to why it was better to stay than go home. I knew it'd upset her if we were to go back home so I convinced myself this is home now. Every time I bring up the topic of going home in a couple of years time she gets agitated.

To be honest I can probably live with that but I needed more. I needed assurance we will start a family. Unfortunately...with her new found liberation from the family obligations back home and finding her new self, she's developed a distaste for kids and no longer wants to have children. This breaks my heart...but I can't find it in myself to force the issue because she is the child bearer after all.

Over time small things became big things. We fought and resolved many nagging issues but the resolutions weren't really resolutions. I can't help but feel the compromises were one sided. I'm a neat person, and she's an extremely messy person. Now I'm 100% sure I don't have OCD; things don't need to be in their exact place all the time...but I do like things being put away or clothes hung up and shoes put on the shelf. She's too lazy and dumps her clothes anywhere as soon as she comes home. Where we are different is that I can't relax at home if the house is messy, and she just wants to relax when she gets home and doesn't care if the house is messy. We fought many times about this. I've learnt to deal with it for the most part but deep down that it still irritates me. I try not to show it.

I read a tweet once that a guy wanted a dog, and his wife wanted a cat, so they compromised and got a cat. That's what it feels like but for nearly everything.

We have our fair share of fights...back then I'd always apologise (still do) and so would she. These days the fights are not anymore frequent but they are longer and more serious. With each fight I feel the distance between us gets bigger. She's better at words than I am...somehow I'm always apologising but she no longer does.

I could go on for a while...there are many other things but the bottom line is I don't know how to communicate with her anymore. I can feel she doesn't really care about me or my days anymore. She doesn't ask me how my day was and when I do try to tell her she seems disinterested. I always ask her about her day and follow up with questions. I brought this up with her in one of the fights and she says I was being calculative....am I?

I'm feeling exhausted. I suggested marriage counselling but she didn't seem too keen.

At this point...the word divorce is starting to creep into my head and that is haunting. I still love her very much but I don't know how long I can keep this up.

Thanks to everyone who took the time out to read this.

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TL;DR: wife and I are drifting apart due to various reasons, but probably mostly because of her change in values and outlook in life. It's gotten to the point where I don't know how to talk to her anymore.

Submitted January 02, 2020 at 12:02AM

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so here's hoping the Reddit community can lend some ears (eyes).Apologies if this is hard to read...I'm not good at expressing thoughts into words.We've been together for 8 years and been married for 6.It started off really well. We had the same values and goals/ambitions in life which made me want to spend the rest of my life with her. We got married but we were still young and wanted some new experiences to ourselves before settling down. Our plan was to live abroad, work and travel for a couple of years, save money along the way then return home and start a family.So we moved half way across the world to a different country in a much busier city.We did actually create a lot of memories and to all of our friends and family back home it looked like we were living the glorious life style and always out travelling. It wasn't really - it was all relative. Compared to other friends who did the same thing (lived abroad, etc) they travelled far more..though they weren't married so I guess they had the freedom of mind to do so.Living abroad in a new country has its perks but it was also stressful. We had troubles finding a job to begin with, so our financial situation wasn't great. That created a lot of pressure and it caused us to fight a lot more. I think this is where it all started to fall apart.She started to change. Not in the sense that she has a different personality but her goals, ambitions and values were no longer the same. She didn't want to settle down anymore and wanted to live and enjoy life. Absolutely nothing wrong with that but the difference was for the last 5 years we've been living pay check to pay check with no savings for a rainy day, even though we've both got well paying jobs. Every time I try to control the spending she gets upset and we end up fighting. I end up giving way and we "compromise".She loves living abroad in this city and I am homesick but we agreed to stick to it. A couple of years became 3, which then became 4 and now there's no end in sight. I kept making excuses for myself as to why it was better to stay than go home. I knew it'd upset her if we were to go back home so I convinced myself this is home now. Every time I bring up the topic of going home in a couple of years time she gets agitated.To be honest I can probably live with that but I needed more. I needed assurance we will start a family. Unfortunately...with her new found liberation from the family obligations back home and finding her new self, she's developed a distaste for kids and no longer wants to have children. This breaks my heart...but I can't find it in myself to force the issue because she is the child bearer after all.Over time small things became big things. We fought and resolved many nagging issues but the resolutions weren't really resolutions. I can't help but feel the compromises were one sided. I'm a neat person, and she's an extremely messy person. Now I'm 100% sure I don't have OCD; things don't need to be in their exact place all the time...but I do like things being put away or clothes hung up and shoes put on the shelf. She's too lazy and dumps her clothes anywhere as soon as she comes home. Where we are different is that I can't relax at home if the house is messy, and she just wants to relax when she gets home and doesn't care if the house is messy. We fought many times about this. I've learnt to deal with it for the most part but deep down that it still irritates me. I try not to show it.I read a tweet once that a guy wanted a dog, and his wife wanted a cat, so they compromised and got a cat. That's what it feels like but for nearly everything.We have our fair share of fights...back then I'd always apologise (still do) and so would she. These days the fights are not anymore frequent but they are longer and more serious. With each fight I feel the distance between us gets bigger. She's better at words than I am...somehow I'm always apologising but she no longer does.I could go on for a while...there are many other things but the bottom line is I don't know how to communicate with her anymore. I can feel she doesn't really care about me or my days anymore. She doesn't ask me how my day was and when I do try to tell her she seems disinterested. I always ask her about her day and follow up with questions. I brought this up with her in one of the fights and she says I was being calculative....am I?I'm feeling exhausted. I suggested marriage counselling but she didn't seem too keen.At this point...the word divorce is starting to creep into my head and that is haunting. I still love her very much but I don't know how long I can keep this up.Thanks to everyone who took the time out to read this.​TL;DR: wife and I are drifting apart due to various reasons, but probably mostly because of her change in values and outlook in life. It's gotten to the point where I don't know how to talk to her anymore.