My [37F] co-worker [32?F] undermines my abilities when I try to help others.

TL;DR - The leader of my department and I have differing personalities, which causes a lot of workplace conflict. She also scrutinizes my work and ability to offer helpful comments to others in our department. I feel undermined and owed an apology.

My co-worker and I have always been on different pages. Our work personalities just don’t mesh together, and it’s created a lot of conflict. We have had many discussions about it with each other and (separately) with the manager to figure out how we can better work together. What makes matters worse is that she is the leader of my department, so I feel forced to just grin and bear it a lot of times.

One thing she consistently does is repeats herself when trying to explain something. I have brought this up to her and explained that it’s unnecessary to say it more than once since I feel obligated to listen, when instead, I could be using that extra two minutes to be productive with the information she has just given me. Her defense is that she says it multiple times because she doesn’t think the other person is getting it. I have talked with other co-workers about this behavior, and they agree with me that it is unnecessary but will be patient and let her finish.

Fast forward to today… I caught a different co-worker’s mistake and approached her to explain why it was wrong and how to fix it. This took less than a minute, and we decided on the best solution. At that moment, the problem co-worker comes over to try to explain the situation that was already resolved, and in repeating herself a couple of times, made it more confusing for the co-worker who made the mistake and frustrated me by undermining my ability to assess the situation. When that conversation was finished, we had come to the exact same conclusion as I had already done, and it took an extra four minutes of explaining.

I was irritated, but it was time to go cool down on my lunch break. Instead, the problem co-worker wanted to keep talking about it, and when I tried to explain that my mind was exploding from her interrupting and I needed my break, she insisted we talk in private. This did not go well. I was already fuming about what had just happened, AND she was making me late for lunch.

She explained that the reason she interrupted was because she is the department leader and needs to know about all issues going on. (This was such a minor issue that only the person who made the mistake needed to be informed on how to correct it.) She also mentioned that she thought I hadn’t been sensitive when pointing out errors to others in the past and wanted to smooth it over. This is all in her head. I always take a light approach when I ask someone to fix a mistake and often overthink it for a while before coming up with the best way to bring it up. If she would have actually been listening to what I said to the co-worker about her error instead of making up what she wanted to hear, this would have all been avoided.

Both the problem co-worker and I have worked at the company for just under four years, with her having only an extra three months on me. At this point, we are both competent in our jobs and can help out anyone in our department who may have a question. However, I feel incredibly undermined in this situation, and while I don’t think she “has it out for me,” I do think she tends to scrutinize my behavior more than others. While I agree that I’m not the perfect co-worker, I have had a handful of conversations with the office manager about how to be better. Every day, I use the advice she has given me to be more sensitive to my colleagues and be an active team player, and in recent months, I have actually felt a lot more connected to other staff members.

Anyway, I went home for lunch and ended up crying the entire time. After an hour, I texted the office manager and said that I didn’t think it was a good idea for me to come back today. She called and chewed me out because “we are adults and should be able to figure this out,” and to arrange a time to talk about it. While she was entirely correct about resolving it ourselves, I didn’t think that going back when I was still frustrated and bawling my eyes out was a good idea. She didn’t want to listen to me and promptly hung up after saying she hoped to see me tomorrow.

This all leads to now. I have been sitting here all afternoon, trying to calm down and figure out how to approach the situation when I go back into the office in the morning. I have looked up countless articles online about conflict resolution, and nothing seems to hit the nail on the head. I feel like I am owed an apology from the problem co-worker and due to this don’t think it’s my place to ask to talk. What I want to do is just ignore the problem, but I know it will only cause resentment on both ends...so what happens from here?

Submitted September 11, 2019 at 11:37PM

TL;DR - The leader of my department and I have differing personalities, which causes a lot of workplace conflict. She also scrutinizes my work and ability to offer helpful comments to others in our department. I feel undermined and owed an apology.My co-worker and I have always been on different pages. Our work personalities just don’t mesh together, and it’s created a lot of conflict. We have had many discussions about it with each other and (separately) with the manager to figure out how we can better work together. What makes matters worse is that she is the leader of my department, so I feel forced to just grin and bear it a lot of times.One thing she consistently does is repeats herself when trying to explain something. I have brought this up to her and explained that it’s unnecessary to say it more than once since I feel obligated to listen, when instead, I could be using that extra two minutes to be productive with the information she has just given me. Her defense is that she says it multiple times because she doesn’t think the other person is getting it. I have talked with other co-workers about this behavior, and they agree with me that it is unnecessary but will be patient and let her finish.Fast forward to today… I caught a different co-worker’s mistake and approached her to explain why it was wrong and how to fix it. This took less than a minute, and we decided on the best solution. At that moment, the problem co-worker comes over to try to explain the situation that was already resolved, and in repeating herself a couple of times, made it more confusing for the co-worker who made the mistake and frustrated me by undermining my ability to assess the situation. When that conversation was finished, we had come to the exact same conclusion as I had already done, and it took an extra four minutes of explaining.I was irritated, but it was time to go cool down on my lunch break. Instead, the problem co-worker wanted to keep talking about it, and when I tried to explain that my mind was exploding from her interrupting and I needed my break, she insisted we talk in private. This did not go well. I was already fuming about what had just happened, AND she was making me late for lunch.She explained that the reason she interrupted was because she is the department leader and needs to know about all issues going on. (This was such a minor issue that only the person who made the mistake needed to be informed on how to correct it.) She also mentioned that she thought I hadn’t been sensitive when pointing out errors to others in the past and wanted to smooth it over. This is all in her head. I always take a light approach when I ask someone to fix a mistake and often overthink it for a while before coming up with the best way to bring it up. If she would have actually been listening to what I said to the co-worker about her error instead of making up what she wanted to hear, this would have all been avoided.Both the problem co-worker and I have worked at the company for just under four years, with her having only an extra three months on me. At this point, we are both competent in our jobs and can help out anyone in our department who may have a question. However, I feel incredibly undermined in this situation, and while I don’t think she “has it out for me,” I do think she tends to scrutinize my behavior more than others. While I agree that I’m not the perfect co-worker, I have had a handful of conversations with the office manager about how to be better. Every day, I use the advice she has given me to be more sensitive to my colleagues and be an active team player, and in recent months, I have actually felt a lot more connected to other staff members.Anyway, I went home for lunch and ended up crying the entire time. After an hour, I texted the office manager and said that I didn’t think it was a good idea for me to come back today. She called and chewed me out because “we are adults and should be able to figure this out,” and to arrange a time to talk about it. While she was entirely correct about resolving it ourselves, I didn’t think that going back when I was still frustrated and bawling my eyes out was a good idea. She didn’t want to listen to me and promptly hung up after saying she hoped to see me tomorrow.This all leads to now. I have been sitting here all afternoon, trying to calm down and figure out how to approach the situation when I go back into the office in the morning. I have looked up countless articles online about conflict resolution, and nothing seems to hit the nail on the head. I feel like I am owed an apology from the problem co-worker and due to this don’t think it’s my place to ask to talk. What I want to do is just ignore the problem, but I know it will only cause resentment on both ends...so what happens from here?