My (22M) girlfriend (22F) is really struggling to find her way after college. Not to mention her parents are strong-arming me now that I have moved away to my own career.

I have been dating this girl for around 5 years, we started dating in highschool and then through college. We were fortunate enough to both be accepted to the same college, we decided on going to the same university based on different merits. So the choice was completely organic, and of our own will, without the influence of the other person. We had decided from a very early phase in our relationship that we did not want to get married or start a family young and that we would want to establish ourselves in our careers first (as well as pay off that college debt). We fully knew that this could mean splitting up or trying a long distance relationship following graduation and with the acceptance of a first job. At the time we both agreed to try the LDR and see where things went.

​

I was fortunate enough to receive a fantastic job in my field about 2 months out of college, however it was a few states away roughly a 4.5 hr drive. She has not been so lucky and is still looking for a job. The problems started to arise a few days after I left. Her family began to degrade our relationship with a "We know best" mindset. Not only degrading the relationship but making nasty comments about me and my family. I have always tried to be the most respectful and kind person to her family, sometimes going out of my way to help them if they needed or to just be a nice person. What we originaly thought was an accepted relationship turned into a roast on things I used to do in highschool, and how "You know, if you marry him you also marry his family", but unfortunately their family isn't the bright shinning example of a kind considerate family. They are stuck in old-school way of thinking that "the man should always pay, and if I really cared he would come back to the hometown to see you" etc. I have always been willing to pay or to drive places, however sometimes it's nice if she would pick up a movie or pay for dinner every now and again. I come from a home where money was always a little tight, and she came from a home that has money. Lots of it. So there was an immediate dynamic between us. I had to work and pay for most everything that I ever had, while she was given money and readily accepted it without having to do any work. I was never one to pinch pennies, but I liked to spend on things that I really wanted to do. The main takeaway is that she should cut ties with me as soon as possible because I am bringing her down and she deserves better in this world than I can offer. It is a common trend in her family that no one is ever good enough, the bar is constantly being raised and everyone is an idiot except for them.

​

Naturally I was very hurt by their comments, especially when the comments that were being made were very petty, did not reflect my current character, or were about my family (who have been nothing but welcoming and nice to her these past years).

​

Unfortunately for me, she listened to everything they said and took it all in to heart, that by the time we were talking about it she had already made up her mind and wants to talk with me the next time I come into town to really evaluate where this relationship is going. She didn't even defend me to them. At this time she feels that we are just dragging out the inevitable, I have invited her down whenever she wants to make the drive. I am always able to take off relatively easily from work. But every time I invite her, there seems to be a problem. Most recently her family has been saying things like "What if you get into a car accident" just to scare her senseless and get her to doubt everything with her driving ability.

​

I was hoping to keep this relationship going as a long distance relationship, and if things were to end to end more organically with us growing apart because of distance (I know I'm a dreamer) as opposed to her parents badgering her into a decision. But it seems like she has completely given up on the relationship and now it's all on my shoulders to carry everything. I'm the one to initiate conversation, I'm always the one to express my feelings of love toward her, which are typically not reciprocated. I don't know if I'm just being a doormat, or what I should do. I want this relationship to work out, but relationships are built on two people right?

Has anyone gone through anything like this or could offer advice?

TL;DR - Trying to adjust to a long distance relationship with parents who are being manipulative.

Submitted September 11, 2019 at 11:01PM

I have been dating this girl for around 5 years, we started dating in highschool and then through college. We were fortunate enough to both be accepted to the same college, we decided on going to the same university based on different merits. So the choice was completely organic, and of our own will, without the influence of the other person. We had decided from a very early phase in our relationship that we did not want to get married or start a family young and that we would want to establish ourselves in our careers first (as well as pay off that college debt). We fully knew that this could mean splitting up or trying a long distance relationship following graduation and with the acceptance of a first job. At the time we both agreed to try the LDR and see where things went.​I was fortunate enough to receive a fantastic job in my field about 2 months out of college, however it was a few states away roughly a 4.5 hr drive. She has not been so lucky and is still looking for a job. The problems started to arise a few days after I left. Her family began to degrade our relationship with a "We know best" mindset. Not only degrading the relationship but making nasty comments about me and my family. I have always tried to be the most respectful and kind person to her family, sometimes going out of my way to help them if they needed or to just be a nice person. What we originaly thought was an accepted relationship turned into a roast on things I used to do in highschool, and how "You know, if you marry him you also marry his family", but unfortunately their family isn't the bright shinning example of a kind considerate family. They are stuck in old-school way of thinking that "the man should always pay, and if I really cared he would come back to the hometown to see you" etc. I have always been willing to pay or to drive places, however sometimes it's nice if she would pick up a movie or pay for dinner every now and again. I come from a home where money was always a little tight, and she came from a home that has money. Lots of it. So there was an immediate dynamic between us. I had to work and pay for most everything that I ever had, while she was given money and readily accepted it without having to do any work. I was never one to pinch pennies, but I liked to spend on things that I really wanted to do. The main takeaway is that she should cut ties with me as soon as possible because I am bringing her down and she deserves better in this world than I can offer. It is a common trend in her family that no one is ever good enough, the bar is constantly being raised and everyone is an idiot except for them.​Naturally I was very hurt by their comments, especially when the comments that were being made were very petty, did not reflect my current character, or were about my family (who have been nothing but welcoming and nice to her these past years).​Unfortunately for me, she listened to everything they said and took it all in to heart, that by the time we were talking about it she had already made up her mind and wants to talk with me the next time I come into town to really evaluate where this relationship is going. She didn't even defend me to them. At this time she feels that we are just dragging out the inevitable, I have invited her down whenever she wants to make the drive. I am always able to take off relatively easily from work. But every time I invite her, there seems to be a problem. Most recently her family has been saying things like "What if you get into a car accident" just to scare her senseless and get her to doubt everything with her driving ability.​I was hoping to keep this relationship going as a long distance relationship, and if things were to end to end more organically with us growing apart because of distance (I know I'm a dreamer) as opposed to her parents badgering her into a decision. But it seems like she has completely given up on the relationship and now it's all on my shoulders to carry everything. I'm the one to initiate conversation, I'm always the one to express my feelings of love toward her, which are typically not reciprocated. I don't know if I'm just being a doormat, or what I should do. I want this relationship to work out, but relationships are built on two people right?Has anyone gone through anything like this or could offer advice?TL;DR - Trying to adjust to a long distance relationship with parents who are being manipulative.