I feel so lost

My wife (31/F) and I (33/M) and been together for about 12 years and married about 10. We got married young when she got pregnant. Since then, we’ve started careers, had more kids, bought a house, etc. Essentially, we’ve made a life together.

Despite all this, I’ve never felt like we are particularly compatible. We come from different backgrounds, have different values, different personalities, different ... everything it seems like sometimes. We just feel like two totally different people. She has also dealt with some mental health issues over the years that have posed a challenge to our marriage and left me feeling more like a caretaker than a husband at times.

We’ve had good times and it’s not all bad, but we bicker at least weekly and have been through couples counseling on three separate occasions.

Everything came to a head earlier this year. The last 12 months have had a lot of external stressors - money, jobs, our house, etc. - more so than in a typical year. We argued more and I had thoughts of ending my marriage. One thing that kept me hanging on was a family vacation we had been planning for months.

Well, earlier this year we had the vacation. It was largely fine, but there was also lots of bickering and me trying to manage her emotions. Not long after we got back, I had a minor surgery. She gave me the silent treatment all day and never asked me if I needed anything because we had a stupid and minor argument the night before.

I think that finally broke me. I had supported her through so much medical stuff and the one time I needed her to support me, she couldn’t put aside a petty argument.

Now here we are months later and I just feel total apathy about my marriage. I don’t hate her and will always love her as the mother of my children, but I couldn’t care less about marriage. I’ve definitely become more withdrawn and less intimate with her. I feel like there are more women out there who I would feel more compatible with.

My hang up is a divorce would mean the end of my life as I know it. I would see my kids half as much. Neither of us make a ton, so we’d sell the house and move into apartments. My kids could end up having to change schools.

As a child of a divorce, I know how hard it is on kids. I don’t want to put them - or even my wife - through that. But does that mean sacrificing my own happiness? I just don’t know what to do.

Tl;dr - I don’t feel compatible with my wife and I feel apathetic about marriage, but I don’t know if I’m willing to make sacrifices for my own potential happiness.

Submitted August 04, 2019 at 11:55PM

My wife (31/F) and I (33/M) and been together for about 12 years and married about 10. We got married young when she got pregnant. Since then, we’ve started careers, had more kids, bought a house, etc. Essentially, we’ve made a life together.Despite all this, I’ve never felt like we are particularly compatible. We come from different backgrounds, have different values, different personalities, different ... everything it seems like sometimes. We just feel like two totally different people. She has also dealt with some mental health issues over the years that have posed a challenge to our marriage and left me feeling more like a caretaker than a husband at times.We’ve had good times and it’s not all bad, but we bicker at least weekly and have been through couples counseling on three separate occasions.Everything came to a head earlier this year. The last 12 months have had a lot of external stressors - money, jobs, our house, etc. - more so than in a typical year. We argued more and I had thoughts of ending my marriage. One thing that kept me hanging on was a family vacation we had been planning for months.Well, earlier this year we had the vacation. It was largely fine, but there was also lots of bickering and me trying to manage her emotions. Not long after we got back, I had a minor surgery. She gave me the silent treatment all day and never asked me if I needed anything because we had a stupid and minor argument the night before.I think that finally broke me. I had supported her through so much medical stuff and the one time I needed her to support me, she couldn’t put aside a petty argument.Now here we are months later and I just feel total apathy about my marriage. I don’t hate her and will always love her as the mother of my children, but I couldn’t care less about marriage. I’ve definitely become more withdrawn and less intimate with her. I feel like there are more women out there who I would feel more compatible with.My hang up is a divorce would mean the end of my life as I know it. I would see my kids half as much. Neither of us make a ton, so we’d sell the house and move into apartments. My kids could end up having to change schools.As a child of a divorce, I know how hard it is on kids. I don’t want to put them - or even my wife - through that. But does that mean sacrificing my own happiness? I just don’t know what to do.Tl;dr - I don’t feel compatible with my wife and I feel apathetic about marriage, but I don’t know if I’m willing to make sacrifices for my own potential happiness.