Are all marriages like this bc I am emotionally exhausted? When is too much, too much?

Husband (30M) and I (34F) have known each other 7 yrs and married 6 yrs. We have 2.5 yr child who we planned and both adore. Problem is we have same reoccurring arguments that never actually get fixed. I have reached out for marriage counseling on four different occasions over the yrs, both pre/post baby, and all seemed like bandaids at most.

The most recent session my husband opened up to the therapist (during his typical verbal and emotion abuse spout in front of her) and told her that a dr told him he was bipolar when he was younger (high school age maybe...didn’t ask specifics) and tried to medicate him with a trial set of pills. He said it seemed to help a little but messed with him more bc it was a short duration. His older brother mentioned to me in a serious but light way that he might be on the spectrum for asperger’s syndrome. When we dated yrs ago he was sweet, charming, even debonair which was a nice change from past guys I’ve dated. He won me over so we dated long distance for 18 months while work separated us. After about a yr of dating (yes, trust me I know) he proposed when he flew out to see me. It was sweet and I said yes. Little did we know about 1.5 months later work would send me across the world again. After I informed him, he brought up about eloping to ensure we could live in the same area again (complicated) after a few days (bc of my short notice departure) I agreed saying we would have a wedding later when we settled back together. After I returned and our 18 months of long distance ended, we moved in together. After 27 yrs of living independently, I knew it would be more give on my end with compromising and adjusting my life. Fast forward yr after yr, each yr I began to see a glimpse of red flags that looking back on now, I would have never married him but long distance put a rush to our relationship. Long story short, I am neat and organized, he is messy and doesn’t seem to really take good care of everything. This has caused numerous repeated arguments bc I feel he is an adult and I shouldn’t be picking up after him. I know I reduced my ‘clean’ tolerance’ and after yrs I even stopped cleaning up his messes for the most part. I even only make my side of the bed (I know how this sounds but after yrs of me sleeping like a normal person and him twisting the sheets to where they even ride up by the morning, I decided it was for my own sanity). We have a little dog, he is awesome but I do everything for him too: feed, walk, take outside for bathroom breaks, walks...all the simple normal things). We both work full time and try to compromise with parenting out child...pick up/drop off at day care, night and morning routines etc, but aside from that I am the one keeping her room clean and tidy, doing laundry, organizing items for daycare etc (again all normal things). Biggest problem is anything can seem to stress him out. His areas pile up (seriously pile) and I hold my tongue for days or wks, then ask him to clean his areas...mind you I clean the house, all the bathrooms, porches, vacuum etc. but turns into a blow out argument (on his part). He’s mocked me in front of our toddler and yelled and swore, belittles me...all of where I finally came to the conclusion about 1.5 yrs ago to call it for what it is. Emotional and verbal abuse. We don’t have fun together. If we smile or laugh, I’m just wondering how long it will last and don’t fully let myself enjoy it. He has lied for yr about smoking but I would catch him every so often and he would straight up lie to my face. But would have packet in his bag. One the one side, i don’t know of anytime where he actually commutes adultery (immediate end), he’s not an alcoholic (drink sometimes though), doesn’t do drugs (just packets and boxes full of Nicolette where he claims he use to calm his nerves, and does ok with our daughter for the most part (aside from yelling, mocking, degrading...yes I know that still isn’t good but to her* I haven’t seen anything other that short patience with dealing with her in situations. Everything just falls to me. My question is, yes, I took an oath and committed my life, but at that same time, when we would disagree, I never became hateful bringing family into it ever (he said something about my parents/father 1 month after his passing that was tragic and I didn’t make it to his bedside to say goodbye before he passed). I also don’t argue infront of our child, and even don’t raise my voice. I just smile and talk to my child sweetly until he stopped so her confused ‘what’s happening’ face goes back to focusing on me. After all these yrs, it’s sad but true...I don’t feel in love with him. We done enjoy each other’s company. I am more irritated with ‘putting up with him’ and he feels like I am essentially nagging (seriously, he’s an adult. If you open a door, pantry, cabinet, you name it...just shut it like it was before). I wasn’t even asking him to clean a common area...just his things! The last therapist asked us how we each felt in our first session with her and I replied ‘emotionally exhausted’ and he replied ‘fine’ or similar. Never thought about it u til then but that told her who was doing the majority to the other

*Question is, are all marriages like this? I wanted to marry my best friend for life. Yes, we’d have a few ups and downs in life but we’d be strong when the other couldn’t and lean on each other and help each other. I feel like he and I are never on the same page, we bicker constantly, I’m beyond exhausted of his passive aggressive comments and attacks...I’m just exhausted. He travels frequently for work and as harder as it it to be a single mom working full time, it’s actually easier and more routine when he’s gone. I feel horrible but after the last spout of demeaning behavior from him I am considering divorce. It just breaks my heart bc we have a beautiful innocent 2 yr old who deserves the world. But at which point do I suck up my sanity, own peaceful life separately (yes I know other challenges will arise) and leave so my husband and I can both move on as right now I miss our marriage as toxic, emotionally and mentally abusive, and not improving.

Submitted August 04, 2019 at 11:45PM

Husband (30M) and I (34F) have known each other 7 yrs and married 6 yrs. We have 2.5 yr child who we planned and both adore. Problem is we have same reoccurring arguments that never actually get fixed. I have reached out for marriage counseling on four different occasions over the yrs, both pre/post baby, and all seemed like bandaids at most.The most recent session my husband opened up to the therapist (during his typical verbal and emotion abuse spout in front of her) and told her that a dr told him he was bipolar when he was younger (high school age maybe...didn’t ask specifics) and tried to medicate him with a trial set of pills. He said it seemed to help a little but messed with him more bc it was a short duration. His older brother mentioned to me in a serious but light way that he might be on the spectrum for asperger’s syndrome. When we dated yrs ago he was sweet, charming, even debonair which was a nice change from past guys I’ve dated. He won me over so we dated long distance for 18 months while work separated us. After about a yr of dating (yes, trust me I know) he proposed when he flew out to see me. It was sweet and I said yes. Little did we know about 1.5 months later work would send me across the world again. After I informed him, he brought up about eloping to ensure we could live in the same area again (complicated) after a few days (bc of my short notice departure) I agreed saying we would have a wedding later when we settled back together. After I returned and our 18 months of long distance ended, we moved in together. After 27 yrs of living independently, I knew it would be more give on my end with compromising and adjusting my life. Fast forward yr after yr, each yr I began to see a glimpse of red flags that looking back on now, I would have never married him but long distance put a rush to our relationship. Long story short, I am neat and organized, he is messy and doesn’t seem to really take good care of everything. This has caused numerous repeated arguments bc I feel he is an adult and I shouldn’t be picking up after him. I know I reduced my ‘clean’ tolerance’ and after yrs I even stopped cleaning up his messes for the most part. I even only make my side of the bed (I know how this sounds but after yrs of me sleeping like a normal person and him twisting the sheets to where they even ride up by the morning, I decided it was for my own sanity). We have a little dog, he is awesome but I do everything for him too: feed, walk, take outside for bathroom breaks, walks...all the simple normal things). We both work full time and try to compromise with parenting out child...pick up/drop off at day care, night and morning routines etc, but aside from that I am the one keeping her room clean and tidy, doing laundry, organizing items for daycare etc (again all normal things). Biggest problem is anything can seem to stress him out. His areas pile up (seriously pile) and I hold my tongue for days or wks, then ask him to clean his areas...mind you I clean the house, all the bathrooms, porches, vacuum etc. but turns into a blow out argument (on his part). He’s mocked me in front of our toddler and yelled and swore, belittles me...all of where I finally came to the conclusion about 1.5 yrs ago to call it for what it is. Emotional and verbal abuse. We don’t have fun together. If we smile or laugh, I’m just wondering how long it will last and don’t fully let myself enjoy it. He has lied for yr about smoking but I would catch him every so often and he would straight up lie to my face. But would have packet in his bag. One the one side, i don’t know of anytime where he actually commutes adultery (immediate end), he’s not an alcoholic (drink sometimes though), doesn’t do drugs (just packets and boxes full of Nicolette where he claims he use to calm his nerves, and does ok with our daughter for the most part (aside from yelling, mocking, degrading...yes I know that still isn’t good but to her* I haven’t seen anything other that short patience with dealing with her in situations. Everything just falls to me. My question is, yes, I took an oath and committed my life, but at that same time, when we would disagree, I never became hateful bringing family into it ever (he said something about my parents/father 1 month after his passing that was tragic and I didn’t make it to his bedside to say goodbye before he passed). I also don’t argue infront of our child, and even don’t raise my voice. I just smile and talk to my child sweetly until he stopped so her confused ‘what’s happening’ face goes back to focusing on me. After all these yrs, it’s sad but true...I don’t feel in love with him. We done enjoy each other’s company. I am more irritated with ‘putting up with him’ and he feels like I am essentially nagging (seriously, he’s an adult. If you open a door, pantry, cabinet, you name it...just shut it like it was before). I wasn’t even asking him to clean a common area...just his things! The last therapist asked us how we each felt in our first session with her and I replied ‘emotionally exhausted’ and he replied ‘fine’ or similar. Never thought about it u til then but that told her who was doing the majority to the other*Question is, are all marriages like this? I wanted to marry my best friend for life. Yes, we’d have a few ups and downs in life but we’d be strong when the other couldn’t and lean on each other and help each other. I feel like he and I are never on the same page, we bicker constantly, I’m beyond exhausted of his passive aggressive comments and attacks...I’m just exhausted. He travels frequently for work and as harder as it it to be a single mom working full time, it’s actually easier and more routine when he’s gone. I feel horrible but after the last spout of demeaning behavior from him I am considering divorce. It just breaks my heart bc we have a beautiful innocent 2 yr old who deserves the world. But at which point do I suck up my sanity, own peaceful life separately (yes I know other challenges will arise) and leave so my husband and I can both move on as right now I miss our marriage as toxic, emotionally and mentally abusive, and not improving.