I (F/19) need to understand what I feel for my boyfriend (M/21)

TL;DR: I am confused about my feelings, I don't think I'm a healthy partner and don't know what to do with my boyfriend.

Very long post, sorry.

In march my friend and also classmate told me that one of his friend wanted to go back to school, and chose to go to ours. He also told me that his friend and I have so much in common and would make a lovely couple. I, coming from a bad break up, laughed and said that I wasn't interested, but I was happy to have a new friend. He came to school, my classmate introduced us to each other and we talked a lot. He asked my ig and texted me every day since.

My ex and I lasted only two months but I was really REALLY fond of him. After the no contact break up he kept showing up out of nowhere irl asking me if I was dating someone else without any intentions to get back together, and also a mutual friend told me that he started doing coke, so the whole acceptance and move on thing has been really rough.

Anyway, after a week of texting he asked me to go to a place I said I really like in one of our conversation. I saw where this was going and decided to go anyway and have fun as friends. Well, after a really cheerful day, I thought that maybe was time to try to move on so when he tried to kiss me I didn't back off. I honestly thought about my ex when we made out, but it was nice. After that, we talked and texted as before, so I thought it was a one time thing. Two days later he asks me to go at his place and I assumed he just wanted to be fuckbuddies.

I wasn't interested in sex, but I just wanted like... to throw my body away? To treat it like it's nothing? When I was 17 one of my dearest friend sxually absed me for a year, and then the breakup... I think I just used it as a bad coping mechanism.

Days later I met an internet friend, we spend the whole day together, got drunk and kissed. That really was a one time thing. My friend and I talked about it the day later and confirmed it. I really felt bad. It was not the first time I kissed a friend while drunk and felt bad, but this time I was seeing someone else and was way much worse. I thought I had a crush on that friend, but I liked spending time with that dude, and the same time I really missed my ex. Confusing shit. What an asshole.

I decided to get my shit together. I visited my friend again and understood that I don't have feelings for him, I was just drunk. I also was about to text my ex but I felt like I didn't really wanted to do it even if I was really worried. If he wants to reach out and talk, that's fine, I just don't want to do it. Then, I tried to tell the boy what happened, but that took a bit longer because I didn't have the balls to tell him.

Things were getting serious, so I really did not have a choice. Told him. Turns out he thought we were dating the whole time and never thought we were fuckbuddies, however he understood why I thought it since there's been a lack of comunication. He told me that If I told him right away he would've been very disappointed, but now that I showed him I care it doesn't matter and he trusts me. I mean he's not wrong, I wouldn't have done that if knew we were dating, and needed to tell him even if, for me, we were friends with benefits. However, it doesn't make sense to me, and I feel like he just overlooked it because he is into me.

We never agreed to make it official or something, we just started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend in a very spontaneous way, and things has been really great but I told my therapist I feel like he is beheaded when I'm with him, and it feels a lot strange, even if I feel like I love him. She said it's probably a defense mechanism because I'm afraid of being hurt, so I dissociate. Things got worse when, after a break down my mind decided that I am no longer allowed to take my BPD medications. I'm questioning myself wondering if I ever loved him... when I met him I missed my ex a lot and thought I had a crush on someone else and if I did have feelings for him, I wouldn't have this thoughts nor wouldn't dobut it. Also, we started to fight more and more, and I don't know if we do because for me it's more difficult to handle my emotions and behaviours since I'm not taking my meds, or because we actually are falling apart.

During my last therapy appointment, I was talking about intrusive memories and how everything I see trigger them. To make an example, I told her that mom bought the same ice cream my ex bought me every time I felt down and saying that made my heart stop. I don't feel the same joy and again, I don't understand if that's because of my illness or because my relationship doesn't make me happy.

I couldn't hold this feeling anymore. After therapy we went to a restaurant and I imploded. I told him that I didn't know if I want to be his girlfriend anymore and he... was surprisingly calm. He asked me "Do you love me, right?" and I answered no and started crying a lot and kept telling him I was sorry. He managed to calm me down and then talked about it. I said I wasn't ready to give up on him, and he said that he knows I love him because I show him everyday and maybe I'm just feeling bad for other things. The conversation endend when I said "I love you and a lot, but something feels terribly wrong". Then we just hugged until we got home.

But why did I cry? Did I do it because I was being honest? What if I did because my heart let go a true feeling I've been holding?

During the last few months my ex followed me again on instagram, I didn't follow him back because I don't feel like I want to. He also asked mutual friends about me. I made an ig story with that tell me something you always wanted to say game. My ex sent me a message saying I'm glad you're happy now, please don't answer. He also works with my sister and asked her if I'm doing great. I don't love him anymore, but I still miss him and feel like I need closure, I guess. But again what if I'm lying to myself because it's easier to believe I don't? I don't know.

After our last fight I told him I don't want to go to his place for a while, because I don't feel comfortable here anymore.

I don't know what I feel, I don't think he deserves at all the mess I am and sometimes I ever think I should break up with him for his sake, but I don't want to let him go.

Submitted August 04, 2019 at 11:53PM

TL;DR: I am confused about my feelings, I don't think I'm a healthy partner and don't know what to do with my boyfriend.Very long post, sorry.In march my friend and also classmate told me that one of his friend wanted to go back to school, and chose to go to ours. He also told me that his friend and I have so much in common and would make a lovely couple. I, coming from a bad break up, laughed and said that I wasn't interested, but I was happy to have a new friend. He came to school, my classmate introduced us to each other and we talked a lot. He asked my ig and texted me every day since.My ex and I lasted only two months but I was really REALLY fond of him. After the no contact break up he kept showing up out of nowhere irl asking me if I was dating someone else without any intentions to get back together, and also a mutual friend told me that he started doing coke, so the whole acceptance and move on thing has been really rough.Anyway, after a week of texting he asked me to go to a place I said I really like in one of our conversation. I saw where this was going and decided to go anyway and have fun as friends. Well, after a really cheerful day, I thought that maybe was time to try to move on so when he tried to kiss me I didn't back off. I honestly thought about my ex when we made out, but it was nice. After that, we talked and texted as before, so I thought it was a one time thing. Two days later he asks me to go at his place and I assumed he just wanted to be fuckbuddies.I wasn't interested in sex, but I just wanted like... to throw my body away? To treat it like it's nothing? When I was 17 one of my dearest friend sxually absed me for a year, and then the breakup... I think I just used it as a bad coping mechanism.Days later I met an internet friend, we spend the whole day together, got drunk and kissed. That really was a one time thing. My friend and I talked about it the day later and confirmed it. I really felt bad. It was not the first time I kissed a friend while drunk and felt bad, but this time I was seeing someone else and was way much worse. I thought I had a crush on that friend, but I liked spending time with that dude, and the same time I really missed my ex. Confusing shit. What an asshole.I decided to get my shit together. I visited my friend again and understood that I don't have feelings for him, I was just drunk. I also was about to text my ex but I felt like I didn't really wanted to do it even if I was really worried. If he wants to reach out and talk, that's fine, I just don't want to do it. Then, I tried to tell the boy what happened, but that took a bit longer because I didn't have the balls to tell him.Things were getting serious, so I really did not have a choice. Told him. Turns out he thought we were dating the whole time and never thought we were fuckbuddies, however he understood why I thought it since there's been a lack of comunication. He told me that If I told him right away he would've been very disappointed, but now that I showed him I care it doesn't matter and he trusts me. I mean he's not wrong, I wouldn't have done that if knew we were dating, and needed to tell him even if, for me, we were friends with benefits. However, it doesn't make sense to me, and I feel like he just overlooked it because he is into me.We never agreed to make it official or something, we just started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend in a very spontaneous way, and things has been really great but I told my therapist I feel like he is beheaded when I'm with him, and it feels a lot strange, even if I feel like I love him. She said it's probably a defense mechanism because I'm afraid of being hurt, so I dissociate. Things got worse when, after a break down my mind decided that I am no longer allowed to take my BPD medications. I'm questioning myself wondering if I ever loved him... when I met him I missed my ex a lot and thought I had a crush on someone else and if I did have feelings for him, I wouldn't have this thoughts nor wouldn't dobut it. Also, we started to fight more and more, and I don't know if we do because for me it's more difficult to handle my emotions and behaviours since I'm not taking my meds, or because we actually are falling apart.During my last therapy appointment, I was talking about intrusive memories and how everything I see trigger them. To make an example, I told her that mom bought the same ice cream my ex bought me every time I felt down and saying that made my heart stop. I don't feel the same joy and again, I don't understand if that's because of my illness or because my relationship doesn't make me happy.I couldn't hold this feeling anymore. After therapy we went to a restaurant and I imploded. I told him that I didn't know if I want to be his girlfriend anymore and he... was surprisingly calm. He asked me "Do you love me, right?" and I answered no and started crying a lot and kept telling him I was sorry. He managed to calm me down and then talked about it. I said I wasn't ready to give up on him, and he said that he knows I love him because I show him everyday and maybe I'm just feeling bad for other things. The conversation endend when I said "I love you and a lot, but something feels terribly wrong". Then we just hugged until we got home.But why did I cry? Did I do it because I was being honest? What if I did because my heart let go a true feeling I've been holding?During the last few months my ex followed me again on instagram, I didn't follow him back because I don't feel like I want to. He also asked mutual friends about me. I made an ig story with that tell me something you always wanted to say game. My ex sent me a message saying I'm glad you're happy now, please don't answer. He also works with my sister and asked her if I'm doing great. I don't love him anymore, but I still miss him and feel like I need closure, I guess. But again what if I'm lying to myself because it's easier to believe I don't? I don't know.After our last fight I told him I don't want to go to his place for a while, because I don't feel comfortable here anymore.I don't know what I feel, I don't think he deserves at all the mess I am and sometimes I ever think I should break up with him for his sake, but I don't want to let him go.