Need advice with EX-FWB

Hi everyone, first time posting and on mobile so please excuse if I mess anything up. Would appreciate people's opinions on this one and perhaps some suggestions in how to move forward with this!

I will try and explain as simply as possible but this problem is really worrying me and I would really appreciate your time!

I [22-M] am about to start my second year at university in September. To understand my problem I need to quickly explain some history :

When I started first year (last September) I was a virgin who had never had a GF, this wasn't a problem for me I am a generally confident guy and my flatmates just assumed I had had previous GFs or whatever - doesn't matter.

Me and one of my flatmates [18/19-F] got along quite well, but I didn't fancy her in particular as she wasn't my type I would say. Being completely honest I didn't find her that attractive. She is Canadian and I'll call her Jane.

Anyway, I wasn't interested in a relationship at that time. During first term Jane and I ended up hanging out quite a bit, watching movies together etc. as we had similar tastes etc. (you can see where this is going)

Over the term we ended up sharing a lot of private stuff with eachother and became quite close. We talked for ages about random shit. In the final weeks of 1st term she'd often hang in my room in the evenings.

2 nights before she left to go home to Canada we were hanging out and laying chatting in bed. I don't know where this came from, but (I initiated) and we ended up making out/touching under her top. (sorry for cringy detail but it is relevant later as to the level we got to). We ended up falling asleep then went to our classes.

Later thay day (our final day at uni) she texted me saying she wanted to chat about 'what we are'. I knew right then I didn't want to get into a relationship with this girl. I didn't like her in that way even though physically I was... at least enough to make this stupid mistake (if that makes sense)

Looks aren't everything to me but I want to be with a girl that I think is beautiful, and just in my opinion she wasn't my type. But honestly that was a big reason. I don't want to be with a girl if I am looking at other girls and don't really think she is very pretty. Objectively Jane is probably 5 or 6 depending on who you ask (for context.)

Anyway, so we chat for a bit and decide that we will stay as friends (as we are about to go on break anyway) After our discussion we end up in bed again and this time went to 3rd base (oral on her) Honestly thinking logically I know this sounds stupid, but at the time she is a girl with boobs and I'm a dumb guy so shoot me. Sexual stuff was all new to me and I think that largely made me want to try new things with someone who wanted to etc.

After we were done we agree to stay as before - as friends. I walk her to station she goes home fr break (1 month) We chat every day over Messenger over Christmas. (I realise now chatting every day wasn't a good idea)

One quick thing to note in all honesty - she was a VERY insecure girl and I was also insecure.

Spring term begins. After a week we end up again in bed. The furthest we get to is 3rd base. Every single time I always asked her if 'she was OK doing this but staying friends' and every time she said yes it's fine etc.

But... every time afterwards we would both feel bad for some reason I wasn't sure in myself, and every time we agreed to not do this again.

Honestly the only thing I think making me want to do this was purely physical as I'd had zero experience before that. (sad, I know)

We did try to go all the way 2 times but never did, the first time she panicked as I think she was worried about not being in a relationship and having full sex so we stopped. And the second time I stopped before we did it as I felt this was wrong.

Anyway, so all term every few nights we'd go to 3rd base or so, and every time we'd agree to stop afterwards. We were both inexperienced, shy and I dont think either of us liked the idea of being physical without being in a relationship.

Then one day she texted me saying she had started getting feelings for me. I said basically I wasn't interested in a relationship but thanks for being honest. We stopped everything... For a 2 weeks or so... then we end up in the same situation, but I ask her 'are you sure you're OK to do this as I just want to stay friends'. She said she was OK.

Anyway. We go to Easter break and then come back for Summer term. That's when I ended the whole thing:

Couple days back from Easter break, we were starting to make out etc. And I stopped us saying this isn't right to do, it's not good for either of us etc. She got upset and said she still had feelings for me (ofcourse she did I was stupid to not see this) and she wanted me to tell her to her face that I wasn't interested (so I did in a polite but clear way)

And that was the end of it. We hung out still for the rest of term but I never made another move (as it was always me that initiated, the most forward she got was usually just staying in my room after our movie had finished and asking if she could stay and 'chill'.

Anyway. It was all over I felt much better.

I chatted to her for a while that day and a few more times to try and make her feel better. I feel like it's my fault that she is sad as she was inexperienced and clearly had feelings even though she said she didn't. Also I was worried that because she was very insecure about her looks that I had made her worse.

My friend at home told me I did nothing wrong as we were BOTH inexperienced, and she had said she was OK every time.

Anyway, so the year ended and we were on good terms. No one in our friend group knew about our FWB.

If you've read this far thank you so much I know I am rambling because I have not told anyone this full story and I want to add all details.

So here comes my reason to post this:

I developed feelings for a different girl [20-F] - who I am living with next year. (I am not living with Jane next year.)

I will call this new girl Mary. I have never liked a girl as much as I have liked Mary, I rarely like girls that much but she is different.

So

In my 2nd year at uni I want to try with this girl Mary - we get along very well and I think there is something between us. I know she is my housemate but honestly I like her that much that I will risk the awkwardness for this. I have known Mary all year but only really started liking her in 3rd term, around the time I broke off things with Jane.

So yeah I'm having this recurring worry/dream that Mary and I are chatting at a party or something and Jane will get jelous or cry because she is very insecure or will start to hate me.

I hope I haven't come across as a selfish dick. Whilst I know on the one hand I should have broke off the FWB thing with Jane as soon as she said she had feelings. But I did honestly ask her if she was OK every time, and I did end it eventually.

Looking back I was not thinking clearly, blinded by the fact a girl wanted to touch my dick......

A couple other things to know - me, Jane and Mary are all in one big group of friends that go clubbing together etc.

Sorry for the novel but these things are really worrying me:

1 - am I an asshole for the Jane situation?

2 - am I overthinking this???

3 - is Jane's insecurity my responsibility? I feel like I would make it much worse if I got with Mary (who is very pretty) as Jane would think she was ugly (but she isn't!)

Please also dont think I am going after girls purely based on looks, I really like Mary whilst I never got allong in the same way and Jane. It's so complicated!

Or... Am I overthinking a past FWB fling that I had and I'm not responsible for Jane's insecurities as I was honest with her throughout and she was the one that told me she was fine with it when she wasn't?

One more thing - I'm worried how Mary will view me if she knew I had this FWB thing with Jane. If things work out between me and Mary - should I tell her about my thing with Jane? What if I don't tell her and Jane has a freak out one day and tells everyone?

I think having written this all out has actually helped set me straight a little. I realise this sounds really tame and sad compared to other posts on here.

Thankyou so much if anyone reads all of this and manages to make sense of my ramblings! Reading this back I'm cringing but fuck it, it's anonymous. Please help me reddit I'm clearly stupid!

I haven't been able to properly discuss this with anyone hence my ramblings so some straight up advice is what I need. I don't want to solve everyone's problems I want to do the right thing.

TL:DR

-Was FWB with girl in 1st year got to 3rdB

• She got feelings, we broke it off...

• 2 weeks later carried on

-Broke it off FOR GOOD when she got feelings again

• Now fancy 2nd girl but worried about 1st girl feeling bad and ruining my chance with 2nd girl

• Am I an asshole??

Submitted July 27, 2019 at 11:52PM

Hi everyone, first time posting and on mobile so please excuse if I mess anything up. Would appreciate people's opinions on this one and perhaps some suggestions in how to move forward with this!I will try and explain as simply as possible but this problem is really worrying me and I would really appreciate your time!I [22-M] am about to start my second year at university in September. To understand my problem I need to quickly explain some history :When I started first year (last September) I was a virgin who had never had a GF, this wasn't a problem for me I am a generally confident guy and my flatmates just assumed I had had previous GFs or whatever - doesn't matter.Me and one of my flatmates [18/19-F] got along quite well, but I didn't fancy her in particular as she wasn't my type I would say. Being completely honest I didn't find her that attractive. She is Canadian and I'll call her Jane.Anyway, I wasn't interested in a relationship at that time. During first term Jane and I ended up hanging out quite a bit, watching movies together etc. as we had similar tastes etc. (you can see where this is going)Over the term we ended up sharing a lot of private stuff with eachother and became quite close. We talked for ages about random shit. In the final weeks of 1st term she'd often hang in my room in the evenings.2 nights before she left to go home to Canada we were hanging out and laying chatting in bed. I don't know where this came from, but (I initiated) and we ended up making out/touching under her top. (sorry for cringy detail but it is relevant later as to the level we got to). We ended up falling asleep then went to our classes.Later thay day (our final day at uni) she texted me saying she wanted to chat about 'what we are'. I knew right then I didn't want to get into a relationship with this girl. I didn't like her in that way even though physically I was... at least enough to make this stupid mistake (if that makes sense)Looks aren't everything to me but I want to be with a girl that I think is beautiful, and just in my opinion she wasn't my type. But honestly that was a big reason. I don't want to be with a girl if I am looking at other girls and don't really think she is very pretty. Objectively Jane is probably 5 or 6 depending on who you ask (for context.)Anyway, so we chat for a bit and decide that we will stay as friends (as we are about to go on break anyway) After our discussion we end up in bed again and this time went to 3rd base (oral on her) Honestly thinking logically I know this sounds stupid, but at the time she is a girl with boobs and I'm a dumb guy so shoot me. Sexual stuff was all new to me and I think that largely made me want to try new things with someone who wanted to etc.After we were done we agree to stay as before - as friends. I walk her to station she goes home fr break (1 month) We chat every day over Messenger over Christmas. (I realise now chatting every day wasn't a good idea)One quick thing to note in all honesty - she was a VERY insecure girl and I was also insecure.Spring term begins. After a week we end up again in bed. The furthest we get to is 3rd base. Every single time I always asked her if 'she was OK doing this but staying friends' and every time she said yes it's fine etc.But... every time afterwards we would both feel bad for some reason I wasn't sure in myself, and every time we agreed to not do this again.Honestly the only thing I think making me want to do this was purely physical as I'd had zero experience before that. (sad, I know)We did try to go all the way 2 times but never did, the first time she panicked as I think she was worried about not being in a relationship and having full sex so we stopped. And the second time I stopped before we did it as I felt this was wrong.Anyway, so all term every few nights we'd go to 3rd base or so, and every time we'd agree to stop afterwards. We were both inexperienced, shy and I dont think either of us liked the idea of being physical without being in a relationship.Then one day she texted me saying she had started getting feelings for me. I said basically I wasn't interested in a relationship but thanks for being honest. We stopped everything... For a 2 weeks or so... then we end up in the same situation, but I ask her 'are you sure you're OK to do this as I just want to stay friends'. She said she was OK.Anyway. We go to Easter break and then come back for Summer term. That's when I ended the whole thing:Couple days back from Easter break, we were starting to make out etc. And I stopped us saying this isn't right to do, it's not good for either of us etc. She got upset and said she still had feelings for me (ofcourse she did I was stupid to not see this) and she wanted me to tell her to her face that I wasn't interested (so I did in a polite but clear way)And that was the end of it. We hung out still for the rest of term but I never made another move (as it was always me that initiated, the most forward she got was usually just staying in my room after our movie had finished and asking if she could stay and 'chill'.Anyway. It was all over I felt much better.I chatted to her for a while that day and a few more times to try and make her feel better. I feel like it's my fault that she is sad as she was inexperienced and clearly had feelings even though she said she didn't. Also I was worried that because she was very insecure about her looks that I had made her worse.My friend at home told me I did nothing wrong as we were BOTH inexperienced, and she had said she was OK every time.Anyway, so the year ended and we were on good terms. No one in our friend group knew about our FWB.If you've read this far thank you so much I know I am rambling because I have not told anyone this full story and I want to add all details.So here comes my reason to post this:I developed feelings for a different girl [20-F] - who I am living with next year. (I am not living with Jane next year.)I will call this new girl Mary. I have never liked a girl as much as I have liked Mary, I rarely like girls that much but she is different.SoIn my 2nd year at uni I want to try with this girl Mary - we get along very well and I think there is something between us. I know she is my housemate but honestly I like her that much that I will risk the awkwardness for this. I have known Mary all year but only really started liking her in 3rd term, around the time I broke off things with Jane.So yeah I'm having this recurring worry/dream that Mary and I are chatting at a party or something and Jane will get jelous or cry because she is very insecure or will start to hate me.I hope I haven't come across as a selfish dick. Whilst I know on the one hand I should have broke off the FWB thing with Jane as soon as she said she had feelings. But I did honestly ask her if she was OK every time, and I did end it eventually.Looking back I was not thinking clearly, blinded by the fact a girl wanted to touch my dick......A couple other things to know - me, Jane and Mary are all in one big group of friends that go clubbing together etc.Sorry for the novel but these things are really worrying me:1 - am I an asshole for the Jane situation?2 - am I overthinking this???3 - is Jane's insecurity my responsibility? I feel like I would make it much worse if I got with Mary (who is very pretty) as Jane would think she was ugly (but she isn't!)Please also dont think I am going after girls purely based on looks, I really like Mary whilst I never got allong in the same way and Jane. It's so complicated!Or... Am I overthinking a past FWB fling that I had and I'm not responsible for Jane's insecurities as I was honest with her throughout and she was the one that told me she was fine with it when she wasn't?One more thing - I'm worried how Mary will view me if she knew I had this FWB thing with Jane. If things work out between me and Mary - should I tell her about my thing with Jane? What if I don't tell her and Jane has a freak out one day and tells everyone?I think having written this all out has actually helped set me straight a little. I realise this sounds really tame and sad compared to other posts on here.Thankyou so much if anyone reads all of this and manages to make sense of my ramblings! Reading this back I'm cringing but fuck it, it's anonymous. Please help me reddit I'm clearly stupid!I haven't been able to properly discuss this with anyone hence my ramblings so some straight up advice is what I need. I don't want to solve everyone's problems I want to do the right thing.TL:DR-Was FWB with girl in 1st year got to 3rdBShe got feelings, we broke it off...2 weeks later carried on-Broke it off FOR GOOD when she got feelings againNow fancy 2nd girl but worried about 1st girl feeling bad and ruining my chance with 2nd girlAm I an asshole??