Communication issues between me [19F] and boyfriend [19M], thinking of breaking up and would appreciate some advice

Boyfriend (BF) and I have been dating for 8 months, we met in uni and are still seeing each other regularly as we are both taking summer classes on campus. He stays over some nights at my apartment and we are both generally easygoing people. However, I don't feel emotionally intimate with him – I am obviously attracted and attached to him at this point but there is no intimacy besides the physical and the surface-level endearments common to most young couples.

Some background on BF: he has abusive parents of the Asian variety – has suffered verbal abuse for not being as intelligent or academically talented as his parents are, along with more general abuse that can be surmised from the subreddit AsianParentStories. We are both at a very high-ranked university in the US, so this is clearly unfounded and ridiculous, but he believes that he still could and should be better. His parents liked me at first, but after we spent two days (two afternoons, to be specific) together over the month-long winter holiday and called a few times each week, they decided I was a waste of time. So, this summer since BF is only taking one class, he has to go home every weekend. No exceptions or excuses. His midterm was in the evening and they still drove here at 10pm to pick him up instead of letting him stay until the next morning.

We had a fight a few weeks ago because I didn't know any of this background until the first time he had to go home. He didn't give me advance notice. I casually made plans on Wednesday for Thursday night, and then he abruptly said, "no. I have to go home." It wasn't the fact he was summoned home, but rather the abruptness with which he told me. I don't know if he would have even let me know he was going home if I had not attempted to make plans for that night. Wednesday night he stayed over and told me everything. My heart hurts for what he goes through, it really does. I was still angry though, and sent a long text explaining how blindsided and ignored I felt for not knowing about such a major component of his life. His defense was that he wanted to spare me from his reality, but I'm not just the girl he wants to hold and to kiss, I'm his partner. His equal. I felt disrespected by how little he told me and how it was of little consequence for me to know if he was going to be in town.

After he came back, I decided to drop the issue because after all, now he had told me about his life, and we could move on. I thought it was over and we could go back to normal.

This Wednesday, he intended on staying over, and which I was ecstatic to hear. He said he would be over "late," which I interpreted as 10:30 or so, possibly 11. A while later, I told him that his midterm score had come out (I lab assist for his class), and he read the message but didn't respond to it directly. At 9:45, we bantered a little over text. At 10:00, he said he had just started eating dinner, and I was totally okay with it. Sure, he could come over later, I wasn't intending on sleeping until 12 anyway. And he continued in an extremely rude and abrasive manner. "As in, go to bed." "As in, i don't want to be out this late." "Go to bed dammit." This was incredibly hurtful to me, and I told him so. And I unleashed all my complaints about our relationship – how he never apologizes when he upsets me, and it's always me falling all over myself apologizing for "overreacting" to his insensitivity. How he doesn't know how to communicate effectively, which is the bare minimum of what I expect for people our age. Honestly – simply saying "I got held up by xyz, and I don't think I can make it tonight. I'm really sorry, and I promise I'll make it up to you next week. Hope studying goes well, good night, I love you" isn't difficult at all. He never tells me why he's upset and it's up to me to guess – is it your parents, your roommate, your midterm score? He doesn't take me seriously when I'm annoyed or angry in person. I'm much shorter than him, so he finds it "adorable" when I'm pissed, which is so insulting. All of this came out when I was berating him for his rudeness.

I will add some context here: he's very considerate of my physical needs, cooks breakfast and does the dishes whenever he comes over, and is incredibly independent and disciplined with his personal life. I do appreciate him for that, so I felt like the "crazy girlfriend" when unleashing my frustrations over text.

I did cool down later and, once again, apologized for having emotions. I asked him about his midterm and he responded with his score ("I got a [insert score]" that's it), and I expressed sympathy. I suggested trying to resolve this as soon as possible since I have a midterm soon and don't want to still be unsure about our situation while studying. He left me on read. I suggested maybe calling later. He left me on read. I have tried multiple times to fix this over the past three days. He left me on read until I threatened to break up with him unless he made some attempt to acknowledge my texts. Finally he said that he thinks we should resolve the situation next week after he's done with his project. Honestly, couldn't he have just said that three days earlier? The way that he's been responding to this conflict has worn me out and I don't know if I can handle this in the future. My friends have said I was mature for trying to address the issue and that he isn't acting how a boyfriend should be by 1) trying to get me off his ass after rudely cancelling 2) being defensive and using his parent drama as an excuse for why he's being a dick in this relationship 3) ignoring me and avoiding conflict.

I know this has been a long post, but I feel that all the information is necessary. Would it be reasonable for me to break up with him, or am I in the wrong here? I'm the first one to give a damn about him (no close friendships) and I'm afraid it would break him for me to leave. Thanks in advance!

TL;DR Boyfriend doesn't communicate in the way I would expect a person our age to communicate, disregards my feelings, and avoids confronting issues. Break up?

Submitted July 27, 2019 at 11:47PM

Boyfriend (BF) and I have been dating for 8 months, we met in uni and are still seeing each other regularly as we are both taking summer classes on campus. He stays over some nights at my apartment and we are both generally easygoing people. However, I don't feel emotionally intimate with him – I am obviously attracted and attached to him at this point but there is no intimacy besides the physical and the surface-level endearments common to most young couples.Some background on BF: he has abusive parents of the Asian variety – has suffered verbal abuse for not being as intelligent or academically talented as his parents are, along with more general abuse that can be surmised from the subreddit AsianParentStories. We are both at a very high-ranked university in the US, so this is clearly unfounded and ridiculous, but he believes that he still could and should be better. His parents liked me at first, but after we spent two days (two afternoons, to be specific) together over the month-long winter holiday and called a few times each week, they decided I was a waste of time. So, this summer since BF is only taking one class, he has to go home every weekend. No exceptions or excuses. His midterm was in the evening and they still drove here at 10pm to pick him up instead of letting him stay until the next morning.We had a fight a few weeks ago because I didn't know any of this background until the first time he had to go home. He didn't give me advance notice. I casually made plans on Wednesday for Thursday night, and then he abruptly said, "no. I have to go home." It wasn't the fact he was summoned home, but rather the abruptness with which he told me. I don't know if he would have even let me know he was going home if I had not attempted to make plans for that night. Wednesday night he stayed over and told me everything. My heart hurts for what he goes through, it really does. I was still angry though, and sent a long text explaining how blindsided and ignored I felt for not knowing about such a major component of his life. His defense was that he wanted to spare me from his reality, but I'm not just the girl he wants to hold and to kiss, I'm his partner. His equal. I felt disrespected by how little he told me and how it was of little consequence for me to know if he was going to be in town.After he came back, I decided to drop the issue because after all, now he had told me about his life, and we could move on. I thought it was over and we could go back to normal.This Wednesday, he intended on staying over, and which I was ecstatic to hear. He said he would be over "late," which I interpreted as 10:30 or so, possibly 11. A while later, I told him that his midterm score had come out (I lab assist for his class), and he read the message but didn't respond to it directly. At 9:45, we bantered a little over text. At 10:00, he said he had just started eating dinner, and I was totally okay with it. Sure, he could come over later, I wasn't intending on sleeping until 12 anyway. And he continued in an extremely rude and abrasive manner. "As in, go to bed." "As in, i don't want to be out this late." "Go to bed dammit." This was incredibly hurtful to me, and I told him so. And I unleashed all my complaints about our relationship – how he never apologizes when he upsets me, and it's always me falling all over myself apologizing for "overreacting" to his insensitivity. How he doesn't know how to communicate effectively, which is the bare minimum of what I expect for people our age. Honestly – simply saying "I got held up by xyz, and I don't think I can make it tonight. I'm really sorry, and I promise I'll make it up to you next week. Hope studying goes well, good night, I love you" isn't difficult at all. He never tells me why he's upset and it's up to me to guess – is it your parents, your roommate, your midterm score? He doesn't take me seriously when I'm annoyed or angry in person. I'm much shorter than him, so he finds it "adorable" when I'm pissed, which is so insulting. All of this came out when I was berating him for his rudeness.I will add some context here: he's very considerate of my physical needs, cooks breakfast and does the dishes whenever he comes over, and is incredibly independent and disciplined with his personal life. I do appreciate him for that, so I felt like the "crazy girlfriend" when unleashing my frustrations over text.I did cool down later and, once again, apologized for having emotions. I asked him about his midterm and he responded with his score ("I got a [insert score]" that's it), and I expressed sympathy. I suggested trying to resolve this as soon as possible since I have a midterm soon and don't want to still be unsure about our situation while studying. He left me on read. I suggested maybe calling later. He left me on read. I have tried multiple times to fix this over the past three days. He left me on read until I threatened to break up with him unless he made some attempt to acknowledge my texts. Finally he said that he thinks we should resolve the situation next week after he's done with his project. Honestly, couldn't he have just said that three days earlier? The way that he's been responding to this conflict has worn me out and I don't know if I can handle this in the future. My friends have said I was mature for trying to address the issue and that he isn't acting how a boyfriend should be by 1) trying to get me off his ass after rudely cancelling 2) being defensive and using his parent drama as an excuse for why he's being a dick in this relationship 3) ignoring me and avoiding conflict.I know this has been a long post, but I feel that all the information is necessary. Would it be reasonable for me to break up with him, or am I in the wrong here? I'm the first one to give a damn about him (no close friendships) and I'm afraid it would break him for me to leave. Thanks in advance!TL;DR Boyfriend doesn't communicate in the way I would expect a person our age to communicate, disregards my feelings, and avoids confronting issues. Break up?