I'm making the same mistake over and over again

I don't even know what advice I'm searching for. I just need to let my feelings out.

My ex boyfriend (wow, saying that hurts lol) (22M) and I (20F) had been dating for a while. On the ending of our relationship, last December, he told me he wanted to seriously persue his dream of becoming a gymnast (which I always supported him on), and that he wouldn't have the time he wanted to give to our relationship. I was devastated. We had agreed on not talking for a period of two weeks in which I was going away on vacations, and then meeting again over cake.

I spoke to him. The whole vacations. Because I was just devasted. At one point he got a bit mad because I wasn't respecting what we had agreed on. And he was right. I felt really badly for having become something so desperate that couldn't respect his space. I apologized and told him I wouldnt speak to him till the day we were going to grab cake, and that we could even not meet.

Two days later he spoke to me, sounding sad and like he missed me. We then didn't talk for the week, and when we met up he told me he really missed me and wanted us to be together. I was super happy.

Then a week later we met up and we decided that if he really thought he wasn't gonna have a slice of time between university and gym, that it was better if we didn't continue being together for the month, because it would hurt even more when we had to say goodbye. That was my first mistake.

A day later I told him I regretted that decision, but he thought it was the right thing to do. Let's say that many times we tried to not speak to each other but I couldn't comply. I always tried to mantain friends but then got hurt because we were only friends (yes, I'm a genius).

Finally, in May, I was able to not speak to him for three weeks (the longest we have ever not spoken). And I was so sad. Crying everyday. Sure he didn't feel a thing for me anymore. That he had gotten over me and found someone new. Until one day I couldn't anymore and I spoke to him and we met up. We had such a lovely time, and I could feel he still felt something for me. He said that even if he couln't be with me, he still felt a lot for me. Since then we had been speaking as friends, but always being very cute to each other. Let's say three months of this.

One day he told me he had been thinking about it and that he thought we could be together maybe. I was super super happy, but also really scared that he would change his mind a few days later and say he really couldn't, because stuff like that had happened before with less important stuff, so I told him to think about it. Another mistake. I should have just said 'AAAAAAAA YES THANK YOU I LOVE YOU IM SO HAPPY WITH YOU'. Three days later he told me he couldn't do it, and then started acting more and more distant. I asked him was going on but he said nothing was going on, that I was just looking too much into things. Some days later he finally told me he really didn't want to hurt me anymore and he didn't know when he would have the time to be with me and that he didn't want to leave me waiting. He said he loved me but right now he wanted to concentrate on gym and uni. I understood his point of view, but I really didn't understand why from one day to another he suddenly realized he couldn't be with me. He also said we had never given each other time to get over eachother and be happy on our own, and that we should not speak for a while, and later meet again and maybe become more. I really didn't want to stop talking to him, but we agreed on that. We had a nice goodbye and I told myself I would give him space.

And guess what? I spoke to him. Again. A week later. He was very nice to me.

And then I spoke again. He was still very nice to me but told me to please respect the agreement unless I had something really really important to talk about.

And then once more. And he got mad at me. Which I don't blame him for. I just didn't understand. If he was hurting and I was hurting, I didn't understand why the solution was to not speak to eachother anymore. If he was hurting I thought that talking to him would make him feel better, because I know that if he spoke to me I would feel better. He said it made him happy for a second and then destroyed him. I apologized and said I wouldn't be coming back. I got very upset, because I already knew that talking to him could make him angry, because of previous experiences. But I just... I don't know. I don't have much of an excuse. I just wanted to be with him. And if I love him and he loved me I thought we could work through it. I already knew how much time he had and still was very happy, and he seemed very happy with me too. I know I shouldn't have spoken to him, but I just thought all of this could be avoided.

A week later, yesterday, I spoke to him again. Because my cat probably has a tumor, and we told each other we could always count on the other part when something important happened. He responded after some hours and told me he had been all day laying on bed, sad, dying, and that he hadn't wanted to talk to anyone, so that he was sorry he took so long to reply. I felt so bad. I felt so sad for him. Specially because I thought he had totally gotten over me. I even thought he had a super crush on another girl which he plays games with (I'm pretty sure she has a crush on him, she followed him on Instagram a few weeks ago but liked all of his pictures, which seems a little fishy to me, but that doesn't mean anything from his part). He told me to tell him on Wednesday how my cat was doing. Every thing was fine again. I apologized for talking. I apologized for thinking he was feeling okay.

And then I spoke today. Because I'm stupid. Because I just didn't understand if we were both hurting, why we couldn't speak. Because if I was crying all day in bed and he was crying all day in bed, this had no use at all. Because if he was doing this for me, for me to not wait for him (even though I didn't want it), and I was doing it for him, so that he would be happy, and we were both miserable it had no sense. I guess I understand, but at the same time I don't. He is sad because he misses me, but he doesn't see being with me, talking to me, as the solution. He thinks the solution is forgetting and getting over me. And that makes me really sad. Anyway, I made him mad and upset, again, obviously, because I'm dumb, because I spoke to him even though I shouldn't have. Because I tried to call him and talk to him. I knew most probably he would be mad at me and still I don't know, I don't know why I thought we would be able to talk about it. My mind is jumbled and scrambled. And I'm absolutely depressed and can't think straight. I told him to please hear me, that I needed to speak. He told me he didn't want to speak, that he had taken a decision, that he didn't want to date anyone and that I should respect it. That he wanted to move on and he wanted me to move on aswell.

Many times I had tried to find another solution and fix things, and I always, ALWAYS, end up making things much worse. I don't know why I haven't learnt still. I'm obviously at fault because I continue coming back, when all I should do is give him space. I understand why he gets mad and upset and I don't blame him. I just wish we could just speak about it.

I don't think he thinks I'm suffering this much. I think he thinks I'm just coming back to torture him, to make him feel sad. Many many times I had wanted to speak with him and I just stopped myself. And then sometimes I can't because the pain is too much, and I talk to him, and it doesn't get better. I'm stupid.

I can't speak to him anymore. I can't. Because everyday I drive him a little further away. I told him I wanted to fix things and he said that the only way to fix it is not speaking, and that everytime I do this I'm further away from fixing things. And he is right. I feel insane. I never wanted to become this desperate person. I never wanted to make him upset. I just want to make him happy. But I can't make him happy. And I'm just so sad.

It's been almost 8 months since all of this.

I'm just so upset, so confused. I still don't understand how from a day to another he thought I could be with him through this journey and then he just said he coudln't.

I want the reason to make him smile, but I can't do anything right. He misses me when I'm not here but he gets mad when I appear. I don't even think he loves me anymore. Not after all of this. I feel like trash.

I have already spoken to a psychologist to start therapy sessions, because I really need help. I don't want to drive him further away. And I can't stop thinking that if I had just stopped speaking he would still have a nice memory of me. But now he doesn't. He just wants to get over me. And everytime I make him want that even more. That's also why I overthink a lot and think he doesn't like me anymore and he is in love with the gamer girl. Because she can help him, she is not part of the problem, she is a distraction, and I'm the things that makes him upset. Because she is available at night when he gets home and has time, because she stays awake late. I don't hate her, at all. She is super cute and seems really nice, and I'm happy she can make him happy. But I really envy her. I wish I could have what she does.

I just can't continue with this. If I love him I need to let him go, and if he loves me he will come back. And if he doesn't its okay, I guess we were just not meant to be, even if that's what I wish for. I know I won't be able to get over him, and that will hurt me, because when we talk again and become friends again and I see that he doesn't love me anymore or that he is in love with someone else, I'll be devasted. But I'll be happy for him.

I love him and I'm stupid and dumb.

TLDR: I can't give my ex boyfriend space and I just make things worse everytime I come back. I know what I'm doing is wrong, even if I mean to do both of us well. I'm just in really deep pain.

Submitted July 29, 2019 at 11:39PM

I don't even know what advice I'm searching for. I just need to let my feelings out.My ex boyfriend (wow, saying that hurts lol) (22M) and I (20F) had been dating for a while. On the ending of our relationship, last December, he told me he wanted to seriously persue his dream of becoming a gymnast (which I always supported him on), and that he wouldn't have the time he wanted to give to our relationship. I was devastated. We had agreed on not talking for a period of two weeks in which I was going away on vacations, and then meeting again over cake.I spoke to him. The whole vacations. Because I was just devasted. At one point he got a bit mad because I wasn't respecting what we had agreed on. And he was right. I felt really badly for having become something so desperate that couldn't respect his space. I apologized and told him I wouldnt speak to him till the day we were going to grab cake, and that we could even not meet.Two days later he spoke to me, sounding sad and like he missed me. We then didn't talk for the week, and when we met up he told me he really missed me and wanted us to be together. I was super happy.Then a week later we met up and we decided that if he really thought he wasn't gonna have a slice of time between university and gym, that it was better if we didn't continue being together for the month, because it would hurt even more when we had to say goodbye. That was my first mistake.A day later I told him I regretted that decision, but he thought it was the right thing to do. Let's say that many times we tried to not speak to each other but I couldn't comply. I always tried to mantain friends but then got hurt because we were only friends (yes, I'm a genius).Finally, in May, I was able to not speak to him for three weeks (the longest we have ever not spoken). And I was so sad. Crying everyday. Sure he didn't feel a thing for me anymore. That he had gotten over me and found someone new. Until one day I couldn't anymore and I spoke to him and we met up. We had such a lovely time, and I could feel he still felt something for me. He said that even if he couln't be with me, he still felt a lot for me. Since then we had been speaking as friends, but always being very cute to each other. Let's say three months of this.One day he told me he had been thinking about it and that he thought we could be together maybe. I was super super happy, but also really scared that he would change his mind a few days later and say he really couldn't, because stuff like that had happened before with less important stuff, so I told him to think about it. Another mistake. I should have just said 'AAAAAAAA YES THANK YOU I LOVE YOU IM SO HAPPY WITH YOU'. Three days later he told me he couldn't do it, and then started acting more and more distant. I asked him was going on but he said nothing was going on, that I was just looking too much into things. Some days later he finally told me he really didn't want to hurt me anymore and he didn't know when he would have the time to be with me and that he didn't want to leave me waiting. He said he loved me but right now he wanted to concentrate on gym and uni. I understood his point of view, but I really didn't understand why from one day to another he suddenly realized he couldn't be with me. He also said we had never given each other time to get over eachother and be happy on our own, and that we should not speak for a while, and later meet again and maybe become more. I really didn't want to stop talking to him, but we agreed on that. We had a nice goodbye and I told myself I would give him space.And guess what? I spoke to him. Again. A week later. He was very nice to me.And then I spoke again. He was still very nice to me but told me to please respect the agreement unless I had something really really important to talk about.And then once more. And he got mad at me. Which I don't blame him for. I just didn't understand. If he was hurting and I was hurting, I didn't understand why the solution was to not speak to eachother anymore. If he was hurting I thought that talking to him would make him feel better, because I know that if he spoke to me I would feel better. He said it made him happy for a second and then destroyed him. I apologized and said I wouldn't be coming back. I got very upset, because I already knew that talking to him could make him angry, because of previous experiences. But I just... I don't know. I don't have much of an excuse. I just wanted to be with him. And if I love him and he loved me I thought we could work through it. I already knew how much time he had and still was very happy, and he seemed very happy with me too. I know I shouldn't have spoken to him, but I just thought all of this could be avoided.A week later, yesterday, I spoke to him again. Because my cat probably has a tumor, and we told each other we could always count on the other part when something important happened. He responded after some hours and told me he had been all day laying on bed, sad, dying, and that he hadn't wanted to talk to anyone, so that he was sorry he took so long to reply. I felt so bad. I felt so sad for him. Specially because I thought he had totally gotten over me. I even thought he had a super crush on another girl which he plays games with (I'm pretty sure she has a crush on him, she followed him on Instagram a few weeks ago but liked all of his pictures, which seems a little fishy to me, but that doesn't mean anything from his part). He told me to tell him on Wednesday how my cat was doing. Every thing was fine again. I apologized for talking. I apologized for thinking he was feeling okay.And then I spoke today. Because I'm stupid. Because I just didn't understand if we were both hurting, why we couldn't speak. Because if I was crying all day in bed and he was crying all day in bed, this had no use at all. Because if he was doing this for me, for me to not wait for him (even though I didn't want it), and I was doing it for him, so that he would be happy, and we were both miserable it had no sense. I guess I understand, but at the same time I don't. He is sad because he misses me, but he doesn't see being with me, talking to me, as the solution. He thinks the solution is forgetting and getting over me. And that makes me really sad. Anyway, I made him mad and upset, again, obviously, because I'm dumb, because I spoke to him even though I shouldn't have. Because I tried to call him and talk to him. I knew most probably he would be mad at me and still I don't know, I don't know why I thought we would be able to talk about it. My mind is jumbled and scrambled. And I'm absolutely depressed and can't think straight. I told him to please hear me, that I needed to speak. He told me he didn't want to speak, that he had taken a decision, that he didn't want to date anyone and that I should respect it. That he wanted to move on and he wanted me to move on aswell.Many times I had tried to find another solution and fix things, and I always, ALWAYS, end up making things much worse. I don't know why I haven't learnt still. I'm obviously at fault because I continue coming back, when all I should do is give him space. I understand why he gets mad and upset and I don't blame him. I just wish we could just speak about it.I don't think he thinks I'm suffering this much. I think he thinks I'm just coming back to torture him, to make him feel sad. Many many times I had wanted to speak with him and I just stopped myself. And then sometimes I can't because the pain is too much, and I talk to him, and it doesn't get better. I'm stupid.I can't speak to him anymore. I can't. Because everyday I drive him a little further away. I told him I wanted to fix things and he said that the only way to fix it is not speaking, and that everytime I do this I'm further away from fixing things. And he is right. I feel insane. I never wanted to become this desperate person. I never wanted to make him upset. I just want to make him happy. But I can't make him happy. And I'm just so sad.It's been almost 8 months since all of this.I'm just so upset, so confused. I still don't understand how from a day to another he thought I could be with him through this journey and then he just said he coudln't.I want the reason to make him smile, but I can't do anything right. He misses me when I'm not here but he gets mad when I appear. I don't even think he loves me anymore. Not after all of this. I feel like trash.I have already spoken to a psychologist to start therapy sessions, because I really need help. I don't want to drive him further away. And I can't stop thinking that if I had just stopped speaking he would still have a nice memory of me. But now he doesn't. He just wants to get over me. And everytime I make him want that even more. That's also why I overthink a lot and think he doesn't like me anymore and he is in love with the gamer girl. Because she can help him, she is not part of the problem, she is a distraction, and I'm the things that makes him upset. Because she is available at night when he gets home and has time, because she stays awake late. I don't hate her, at all. She is super cute and seems really nice, and I'm happy she can make him happy. But I really envy her. I wish I could have what she does.I just can't continue with this. If I love him I need to let him go, and if he loves me he will come back. And if he doesn't its okay, I guess we were just not meant to be, even if that's what I wish for. I know I won't be able to get over him, and that will hurt me, because when we talk again and become friends again and I see that he doesn't love me anymore or that he is in love with someone else, I'll be devasted. But I'll be happy for him.I love him and I'm stupid and dumb.TLDR: I can't give my ex boyfriend space and I just make things worse everytime I come back. I know what I'm doing is wrong, even if I mean to do both of us well. I'm just in really deep pain.