I (28 F) was dumped by my ex-boyfriend (31 M) of a little over 1.5 years this past weekend due to communication issues. Should I try and reach out to him again after giving him some space? Or do I cut my losses and move on?

My (28 F) ex-boyfriend (31 M) broke up with me this past weekend. He found out last week that he did not get the job that he had been wanting so badly and spent over half a year going through interviews, evals, and background check. He doesn’t like his current job and this new job would have been his way towards a different career path. When he told me about the denial over video call, I was in shock and I knew that this would really affect him. I recall saying that I was really sorry this happened, and then he said he wanted to go for a run. I wouldn’t be seeing him in person until a couple days later. The next day, I called him and updated him about my day, but I wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about it yet. I was afraid to ask as I know how devastating this was to him. When I did see him in person, we were talking about other things that we would normally talk about e.g. music, what’s for dinner, should we run later. The topic was lingering in my mind, but his mood seemed a bit better so I wasn’t sure if it was the right time to ask how he was feeling about the denial.

Later on that night, he begins telling me that he has been really disappointed that I didn’t ask him how he was doing after the job denial. He said he has been really sad since he learned about the news and that I hadn’t bothered to ask him how he was doing. He explained that he only told 3 people and expected me to be his main source of comfort through this. I started to become upset and began to regret not asking him. I felt terrible. I apologized but I was getting to a point where I was overwhelmed with the confrontation. I am the kind of person that is not great at handling confrontation and it’s difficult for me to discuss things in the moment. I guess he thought I wasn’t expanding enough on my thoughts because he wasn’t satisfied with my response. We just kind of called it a night and didn’t fix anything.

I woke up the next day feeling sad as things obviously hadn’t been resolved. I asked him if I was coming over after he got off work, and he said yes. Finally when he was off, I was waiting for his call at my house. He called and told me to come outside to talk. I knew immediately what was happening. He explained to me that he had thought about it and wanted to break up. He told me that we our communication styles were incompatible.

Quick background info: the topic of communication and conflict had come up in the past about the job he had applied for. During that time, I explained to him that I wanted to support him but sometimes I have difficulty verbalizing my emotions and words of support. He acknowledged that my parents had a habit of not always talking about their emotions and effectively discussing conflict, which didn’t really provide me great examples of talking things out/conflict resolution.

So anyway, he explained that he wanted to work on himself and figure out what he was going to do next with his career. He didn’t think I would help him and support him how he needed during this time. I tried to tell him that I think we could work on our communication. He said that he couldn’t work on both his career and our communication. This issue has been brought up in the past, but I feel like nothing had been done to actually work on fixing the issue. I told him I would try harder in showing my support but that I have always supported him. I said that it’s difficult for me to find the right words in these kinds of moments, but that I really wanted to try to work on it. I asked that he tell me what it is that he needs when he is feeling down. He said that I should be able to have it in me to comfort him without him telling me and that we are just incompatible when it comes to how we handle conflict. Basically, he said that compatible couples are able to handle conflict much better than we have. I tried so many times to tell him this is something that can be worked on but he said he has seen the same patterns from me repeatedly. I think that the issue has never been worked on, only brought to light. I finally got to tell him that he has to keep trying to apply for the job/position and he will get it. I told him I saw how much he wanted it and that he was a qualified candidate. He kept saying that he has a long road ahead and he needs to focus on him.

I ended up not wanting to try to change his mind any longer. He wasn’t budging. I drove to his place, picked up my shit and he helped me bring it to my car. We stood there for about an hour hugging. I couldn’t stop crying. Still haven’t really stopped crying since. He was also crying. He said that he had enjoyed our times together and that I was an amazing person but the communication was not gonna work for him. Ugh.

Sorry, super long. I’m just really sad. We get along so well most days. I adore this man, and I love how much we laugh when we’re together. Everything else about us felt good to me. I enjoyed sex/intimacy and I feel like we always had things to talk about. He would introduce me to so many new things like music, movies, etc. We had a lot of fun together. I thought we were going to have a long future ahead of us. I feel like I dropped the ball and he’s not giving me an opportunity to work on things, which I get is his right. But I know that communication is a difficult skill to learn, and I want to improve myself. Is this really a matter of compatibility? I expressed how much I wanted to work on us and that this was fixable. I care about him so much, and this is really heart breaking for me. This was the first weekend we spent apart (except for a handful of weekends that I was on vacation with family) and I miss him so much. Do I try to reach out to him after I give him some space? I want to talk about us again and tell him that I want to work on our communication. Or is it too late and I fucked it all up?

TL;DR Ex didn’t get his dream job. I wasn’t there for him the way he needed me to be. Ex said we are not compatible when handling conflict and broke it off.

Submitted July 29, 2019 at 11:22PM

My (28 F) ex-boyfriend (31 M) broke up with me this past weekend. He found out last week that he did not get the job that he had been wanting so badly and spent over half a year going through interviews, evals, and background check. He doesn’t like his current job and this new job would have been his way towards a different career path. When he told me about the denial over video call, I was in shock and I knew that this would really affect him. I recall saying that I was really sorry this happened, and then he said he wanted to go for a run. I wouldn’t be seeing him in person until a couple days later. The next day, I called him and updated him about my day, but I wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about it yet. I was afraid to ask as I know how devastating this was to him. When I did see him in person, we were talking about other things that we would normally talk about e.g. music, what’s for dinner, should we run later. The topic was lingering in my mind, but his mood seemed a bit better so I wasn’t sure if it was the right time to ask how he was feeling about the denial.Later on that night, he begins telling me that he has been really disappointed that I didn’t ask him how he was doing after the job denial. He said he has been really sad since he learned about the news and that I hadn’t bothered to ask him how he was doing. He explained that he only told 3 people and expected me to be his main source of comfort through this. I started to become upset and began to regret not asking him. I felt terrible. I apologized but I was getting to a point where I was overwhelmed with the confrontation. I am the kind of person that is not great at handling confrontation and it’s difficult for me to discuss things in the moment. I guess he thought I wasn’t expanding enough on my thoughts because he wasn’t satisfied with my response. We just kind of called it a night and didn’t fix anything.I woke up the next day feeling sad as things obviously hadn’t been resolved. I asked him if I was coming over after he got off work, and he said yes. Finally when he was off, I was waiting for his call at my house. He called and told me to come outside to talk. I knew immediately what was happening. He explained to me that he had thought about it and wanted to break up. He told me that we our communication styles were incompatible.Quick background info: the topic of communication and conflict had come up in the past about the job he had applied for. During that time, I explained to him that I wanted to support him but sometimes I have difficulty verbalizing my emotions and words of support. He acknowledged that my parents had a habit of not always talking about their emotions and effectively discussing conflict, which didn’t really provide me great examples of talking things out/conflict resolution.So anyway, he explained that he wanted to work on himself and figure out what he was going to do next with his career. He didn’t think I would help him and support him how he needed during this time. I tried to tell him that I think we could work on our communication. He said that he couldn’t work on both his career and our communication. This issue has been brought up in the past, but I feel like nothing had been done to actually work on fixing the issue. I told him I would try harder in showing my support but that I have always supported him. I said that it’s difficult for me to find the right words in these kinds of moments, but that I really wanted to try to work on it. I asked that he tell me what it is that he needs when he is feeling down. He said that I should be able to have it in me to comfort him without him telling me and that we are just incompatible when it comes to how we handle conflict. Basically, he said that compatible couples are able to handle conflict much better than we have. I tried so many times to tell him this is something that can be worked on but he said he has seen the same patterns from me repeatedly. I think that the issue has never been worked on, only brought to light. I finally got to tell him that he has to keep trying to apply for the job/position and he will get it. I told him I saw how much he wanted it and that he was a qualified candidate. He kept saying that he has a long road ahead and he needs to focus on him.I ended up not wanting to try to change his mind any longer. He wasn’t budging. I drove to his place, picked up my shit and he helped me bring it to my car. We stood there for about an hour hugging. I couldn’t stop crying. Still haven’t really stopped crying since. He was also crying. He said that he had enjoyed our times together and that I was an amazing person but the communication was not gonna work for him. Ugh.Sorry, super long. I’m just really sad. We get along so well most days. I adore this man, and I love how much we laugh when we’re together. Everything else about us felt good to me. I enjoyed sex/intimacy and I feel like we always had things to talk about. He would introduce me to so many new things like music, movies, etc. We had a lot of fun together. I thought we were going to have a long future ahead of us. I feel like I dropped the ball and he’s not giving me an opportunity to work on things, which I get is his right. But I know that communication is a difficult skill to learn, and I want to improve myself. Is this really a matter of compatibility? I expressed how much I wanted to work on us and that this was fixable. I care about him so much, and this is really heart breaking for me. This was the first weekend we spent apart (except for a handful of weekends that I was on vacation with family) and I miss him so much. Do I try to reach out to him after I give him some space? I want to talk about us again and tell him that I want to work on our communication. Or is it too late and I fucked it all up?TL;DR Ex didn’t get his dream job. I wasn’t there for him the way he needed me to be. Ex said we are not compatible when handling conflict and broke it off.