Thoughts on love

I don’t really know what the definition of romantic love is, to me anyway. I think I put much too many expectations on the word. There’s a difference between having love for someone, and being in love with them. I still don’t know how to differentiate between those two ideas.

I have love towards my ex, even after I crushed him by saying I wanted to break up. I wanted better for him, for us both really. I was in love with how much he loved me- the dependency, the adoration I felt I didn’t deserve, the security. I still don’t know how exactly he defined the idea of being in love, but I do know the way we clung together and sated ourselves with the delusional idealism and idolization for each other couldn’t possibly be healthy love. We selfishly loved each other because we both craved to have someone, anyone, that thought they needed us.

Need can’t be love. Real love should be selfless, right? Insecurity can not be the foundation of love. Real love should be confidence, two people equally supporting the other to the goal of shared happiness. Not feeding off the desperation of your partner to feel loved by you to boost your fragile ego higher. “I am worthy, and someone, because they think so.”

The old quote that “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself” resonates with me here. How easy it is to ‘love’ someone because of how they make you feel about yourself. But that kind of love seems empty and shallow. A sad result of seeking any acknowledgement of self worth that you innately feel you do not deserve. Pouring all of yourself into them to prove that you are valuable because you can make THEM feel important, and hoping they will return the favor so the cycle of validation continues.

But being in love, with the actual person rather than how they make your own existence seem somewhat meaningful...that eludes me.

Obviously, relationships should benefit all participating. Both of you choosing to spend precious, limited time in each other’s company should be appreciated. But is it just human nature to want to love someone so you can be loved back?

Of course we want to MATTER to people, to be enjoyed, to be chosen. It is so easy to drown in the knowledge that you are one in a billion, just another speck on earth that almost certainly will have no significant impact on time’s arrow marching on.

But I want to love wholly. I want to love someone because I want the best for them, and I believe I could BE the best for them. I want to be secure enough in myself that I can be sure that when I tell someone I’m in love with them and want to be ‘their person’, that I know, believe I can, and WILL bring peace, joy and simple happiness to their life. And this commitment would not come at the expense of myself- not because I am too selfish to give my all to someone who only wants to use me as a step stool to climb higher in life, but because I am secure enough and respectful of my own value as a person that someone who merely wants to use me as a tool to benefit themselves would never catch my eye like this. It is not selfish to reject those who are self absorbed. People are not to be consciously catalogued and ranked by their possible value to your own goals.

Those worth loving will openly and readily give their all back to you simply because they want to. Because they recognize you deserve it too, not out of any expectation that they must give love to receive it. Not because they feel they owe you something in return for your kindness.

I don’t want to love because it suits me, because it benefits me, because of the demand of give and take- I want to love you because you deserve it and I am happily willing and able to give it to you. And yet you never take for granted any small act of affection but return it ten-fold, just because you want to. Only because you want to show that your love comes freely too. And we keep building the foundation of this relationship deeper and stronger, without any expectation that the other gives back-but we always do.

Submitted April 22, 2019 at 01:30AM

I don’t really know what the definition of romantic love is, to me anyway. I think I put much too many expectations on the word. There’s a difference between having love for someone, and being in love with them. I still don’t know how to differentiate between those two ideas.I have love towards my ex, even after I crushed him by saying I wanted to break up. I wanted better for him, for us both really. I was in love with how much he loved me- the dependency, the adoration I felt I didn’t deserve, the security. I still don’t know how exactly he defined the idea of being in love, but I do know the way we clung together and sated ourselves with the delusional idealism and idolization for each other couldn’t possibly be healthy love. We selfishly loved each other because we both craved to have someone, anyone, that thought they needed us.Need can’t be love. Real love should be selfless, right? Insecurity can not be the foundation of love. Real love should be confidence, two people equally supporting the other to the goal of shared happiness. Not feeding off the desperation of your partner to feel loved by you to boost your fragile ego higher. “I am worthy, and someone, because they think so.”The old quote that “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself” resonates with me here. How easy it is to ‘love’ someone because of how they make you feel about yourself. But that kind of love seems empty and shallow. A sad result of seeking any acknowledgement of self worth that you innately feel you do not deserve. Pouring all of yourself into them to prove that you are valuable because you can make THEM feel important, and hoping they will return the favor so the cycle of validation continues.But being in love, with the actual person rather than how they make your own existence seem somewhat meaningful...that eludes me.Obviously, relationships should benefit all participating. Both of you choosing to spend precious, limited time in each other’s company should be appreciated. But is it just human nature to want to love someone so you can be loved back?Of course we want to MATTER to people, to be enjoyed, to be chosen. It is so easy to drown in the knowledge that you are one in a billion, just another speck on earth that almost certainly will have no significant impact on time’s arrow marching on.But I want to love wholly. I want to love someone because I want the best for them, and I believe I could BE the best for them. I want to be secure enough in myself that I can be sure that when I tell someone I’m in love with them and want to be ‘their person’, that I know, believe I can, and WILL bring peace, joy and simple happiness to their life. And this commitment would not come at the expense of myself- not because I am too selfish to give my all to someone who only wants to use me as a step stool to climb higher in life, but because I am secure enough and respectful of my own value as a person that someone who merely wants to use me as a tool to benefit themselves would never catch my eye like this. It is not selfish to reject those who are self absorbed. People are not to be consciously catalogued and ranked by their possible value to your own goals.Those worth loving will openly and readily give their all back to you simply because they want to. Because they recognize you deserve it too, not out of any expectation that they must give love to receive it. Not because they feel they owe you something in return for your kindness.I don’t want to love because it suits me, because it benefits me, because of the demand of give and take- I want to love you because you deserve it and I am happily willing and able to give it to you. And yet you never take for granted any small act of affection but return it ten-fold, just because you want to. Only because you want to show that your love comes freely too. And we keep building the foundation of this relationship deeper and stronger, without any expectation that the other gives back-but we always do.