I’m demisexual and struggle with my partners’ use of porn — any advice on how to deal with it better? My initial compromise isn’t working anymore.

I’ve somewhat recently come to the conclusion that I’m demisexual and I think this is why my all of my boyfriends’ (and girlfriends’) porn use has bothered me so much in the past and why my husband’s use is getting to me currently. I don’t ever really feel the need for porn, so I don’t understand why they would need it if they were happy in the relationship with me like I thought I was with them.

I struggle with feeling inadequate, foolish, suspicious, betrayed, and like a failure, but even more than that, I don’t think I have ever understood their motivations. I look at porn mainly when I’m having sex with a partner, and even then, it’s not every time and works out to only a few times a year. My current partner looks at porn nearly daily (sometimes twice a day) and I can’t understand why if I’m ready and willing to have sex or send him photos or videos of me solo when we are apart. If I’m happy and if he’s happy, why does he need to watch other women? Any other demisexuals struggle with this?

I’ve tried for years to “get over it” and boost my self esteem independently. It works for a bit until I get reminded how often he uses porn; tonight I was doing taxes on his computer (with his permission) and I went to save a screen capture clipping of the confirmation number stuff and when it saved to his images, a bunch of porn images popped up in the save window and it made me upset again. We have talked about his porn use before — he would choose porn over being with me because he thought I wasn’t in the mood, but he didn’t ask, just assumed. Also, when we first started dating, he told me he didn’t use porn very much, but now that we’ve been together for years (and married), I know that’s not (and was never) true. I confronted him about how hurt the lying made me feel and he apologized and said he didn’t want me to be upset about it or get scared off when we had just begun our relationship.

He has offered to get rid of the saved porn on his computer and has said he was willing to not use it again, but I know that’s not realistic, so I compromised and told him I just didn’t want it around me unless it was something we were doing together (he had porn bookmarked on his game console that I saw all the time, but he’s since removed it), but now it’s bothering me heavily again. I don’t know how to change my feelings and become okay with porn :/ I definitely don’t feel like I should be able to tell him what he can and can’t do independently, I just wish him using porn didn’t hurt me so much. I have been to therapy and have tried a compromise that isn’t working for me anymore, but I’m scared to talk to him about it again because this is a huge issue that we’ve talked about a lot before and it just makes both of us feel terrible and he gets defensive and upset. I know I’m probably asking for help on the wrong sub, but...

Submitted April 16, 2019 at 06:21AM

I’ve somewhat recently come to the conclusion that I’m demisexual and I think this is why my all of my boyfriends’ (and girlfriends’) porn use has bothered me so much in the past and why my husband’s use is getting to me currently. I don’t ever really feel the need for porn, so I don’t understand why they would need it if they were happy in the relationship with me like I thought I was with them.I struggle with feeling inadequate, foolish, suspicious, betrayed, and like a failure, but even more than that, I don’t think I have ever understood their motivations. I look at porn mainly when I’m having sex with a partner, and even then, it’s not every time and works out to only a few times a year. My current partner looks at porn nearly daily (sometimes twice a day) and I can’t understand why if I’m ready and willing to have sex or send him photos or videos of me solo when we are apart. If I’m happy and if he’s happy, why does he need to watch other women? Any other demisexuals struggle with this?I’ve tried for years to “get over it” and boost my self esteem independently. It works for a bit until I get reminded how often he uses porn; tonight I was doing taxes on his computer (with his permission) and I went to save a screen capture clipping of the confirmation number stuff and when it saved to his images, a bunch of porn images popped up in the save window and it made me upset again. We have talked about his porn use before — he would choose porn over being with me because he thought I wasn’t in the mood, but he didn’t ask, just assumed. Also, when we first started dating, he told me he didn’t use porn very much, but now that we’ve been together for years (and married), I know that’s not (and was never) true. I confronted him about how hurt the lying made me feel and he apologized and said he didn’t want me to be upset about it or get scared off when we had just begun our relationship.He has offered to get rid of the saved porn on his computer and has said he was willing to not use it again, but I know that’s not realistic, so I compromised and told him I just didn’t want it around me unless it was something we were doing together (he had porn bookmarked on his game console that I saw all the time, but he’s since removed it), but now it’s bothering me heavily again. I don’t know how to change my feelings and become okay with porn :/ I definitely don’t feel like I should be able to tell him what he can and can’t do independently, I just wish him using porn didn’t hurt me so much. I have been to therapy and have tried a compromise that isn’t working for me anymore, but I’m scared to talk to him about it again because this is a huge issue that we’ve talked about a lot before and it just makes both of us feel terrible and he gets defensive and upset. I know I’m probably asking for help on the wrong sub, but...