How can I (20/F) approach my boyfriend (21/M) about my level of trust and my needs for recovery?

I recently read this book about trauma. It really unclouded my thoughts. I've been having a terrible time due to covid and due to work so it may be just these stressors of the environment being sort of released now that I no longer have work. Anyways, I want to talk to my bf about where my feelings of fear come from - I have always told him it was the act of betrayal but I don't know why I allowed myself to feel like I had to make him be the person who hurt me. I think I placed a lot of pressure upon myself and upon him through myself to make changes when in reality - the mind just can't speed up the body.

Basically, I just want to tell him that since I'm beginning to start befriending myself, it's basically led to a perception of being able to genuinely trust someone. Because I've always been obsessed with the possiblity of betrayal and I've been obsessed with having constant reassurance from him even though it felt unnatural because I would have to ask for it. I think though by stating that "well, I don't trust you" seems like it makes the trust so superficial before but the idea is that when you are going through trauma - you are living a dual reality - one that's a continous present and one thats a past present of misery basically. I would trust him and then go back and withdraw my trust.

I think I just put a lot of expectation where I couldn't offer it either - like the expectation was a projection of what I wanted from myself. I know that I have always depended on others so it makes a lot of sense.

I also want to basically become a selfish lover because I want to feel like I can accomodate my body. I want to have positive associations towards sex. I feel like pushing myself to dilate makes my body less accepting because a) it hurts and b) I'm not really doing this for myself. I guess, having this sort of interaction would make me feel like intimacy can be reached without having the pressure of a d*** appointment deadline.

TL;DR - Going through trauma, had an epiphany about my recovery, want to find an approach that's neutral with my bf without feeling like I'm putting the blame on him.



Submitted August 11, 2020 at 11:53PM

I recently read this book about trauma. It really unclouded my thoughts. I've been having a terrible time due to covid and due to work so it may be just these stressors of the environment being sort of released now that I no longer have work. Anyways, I want to talk to my bf about where my feelings of fear come from - I have always told him it was the act of betrayal but I don't know why I allowed myself to feel like I had to make him be the person who hurt me. I think I placed a lot of pressure upon myself and upon him through myself to make changes when in reality - the mind just can't speed up the body.Basically, I just want to tell him that since I'm beginning to start befriending myself, it's basically led to a perception of being able to genuinely trust someone. Because I've always been obsessed with the possiblity of betrayal and I've been obsessed with having constant reassurance from him even though it felt unnatural because I would have to ask for it. I think though by stating that "well, I don't trust you" seems like it makes the trust so superficial before but the idea is that when you are going through trauma - you are living a dual reality - one that's a continous present and one thats a past present of misery basically. I would trust him and then go back and withdraw my trust.I think I just put a lot of expectation where I couldn't offer it either - like the expectation was a projection of what I wanted from myself. I know that I have always depended on others so it makes a lot of sense.I also want to basically become a selfish lover because I want to feel like I can accomodate my body. I want to have positive associations towards sex. I feel like pushing myself to dilate makes my body less accepting because a) it hurts and b) I'm not really doing this for myself. I guess, having this sort of interaction would make me feel like intimacy can be reached without having the pressure of a d*** appointment deadline.TL;DR - Going through trauma, had an epiphany about my recovery, want to find an approach that's neutral with my bf without feeling like I'm putting the blame on him.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Add Comments, Posts, Links... etc.

Popular posts from this blog

The difference between being right and being understood

My boyfriend and I are 28. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years and recently moved in together. He’s a pretty patient and easygoing person (Type B) whereas I’m more particular (Type A). Of course there are two sides to every trait, and my Type A nature benefits us in some ways too. Like all couples, we have differences in perspective or preference. When this happens, he will usually say something like “I disagree (with your perspective) but fine.” I tend to push the issue in an attempt to get him to understand where I’m coming from. This escalates the disagreement into a fight because he perceives it as me trying to be “right”. I truly just want to be understood (and I want to understand where he’s coming from) so I’m looking for more of a dialogue whereas he avoids conflict and just wants it to be over as quickly as possible. His general approach is “agree to disagree” but that doesn’t make sense to me when it’s an issue that will keep coming up and requires compromise. I’m n...
Read more

My (27f) gf (27f) is getting tired of me not sharing intimate/ personal info about me

I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love with her, however I can not seem to open up... and I can tell it’s frustrating to her by the way she tells me it bothers her that she feels she’s the only one committed and the one that’s always sharing... At this point I don’t even know if it is that I’ve gotten too used to it, to the point I’ve became lazy to talk about myself or give any genuine personal opinion... it sucks, really, I need to communicate better... Where do I start? Tl;dr: I can’t be completely intimate with my gf and its frustrating her, I need to communicate better because I really love her... where to start? Submitted April 25, 2019 at 06:02AM I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love ...
Read more

My (23M) girlfriend (25F) relationship is confusing to me. I might be the problem, or maybe we are just incompatible.

I met my girlfriend after a few serious breakups that led me to change both intentionally and unintentionally over a few years. For better and for worse. She had just gotten out of an engagement with a verbally and physically abusive man who had a cocaine problem. We have been together about 8 months now. We hit it off and spent a lot of time together but she began to push our relationship as if there were a time clock for milestones. I was pressed beyond my comfort zone and went with it because of my affection for her. My living situation fell apart and I lost a few thousand dollars to shit roommates right around the time she and I met and she offered to let me stay with her. I agreed with some resistance. I pay for food, help her with bills, and throw money toward rent while trying to get back on my feet. As long as we have been together she has gotten more possessive, angry, and irrational. She is dealing with shit from her engagement and I feel shes looking for a level of seriou...
Read more