How can I (20/F) approach my boyfriend (21/M) about my level of trust and my needs for recovery?

I recently read this book about trauma. It really unclouded my thoughts. I've been having a terrible time due to covid and due to work so it may be just these stressors of the environment being sort of released now that I no longer have work. Anyways, I want to talk to my bf about where my feelings of fear come from - I have always told him it was the act of betrayal but I don't know why I allowed myself to feel like I had to make him be the person who hurt me. I think I placed a lot of pressure upon myself and upon him through myself to make changes when in reality - the mind just can't speed up the body.

Basically, I just want to tell him that since I'm beginning to start befriending myself, it's basically led to a perception of being able to genuinely trust someone. Because I've always been obsessed with the possiblity of betrayal and I've been obsessed with having constant reassurance from him even though it felt unnatural because I would have to ask for it. I think though by stating that "well, I don't trust you" seems like it makes the trust so superficial before but the idea is that when you are going through trauma - you are living a dual reality - one that's a continous present and one thats a past present of misery basically. I would trust him and then go back and withdraw my trust.

I think I just put a lot of expectation where I couldn't offer it either - like the expectation was a projection of what I wanted from myself. I know that I have always depended on others so it makes a lot of sense.

I also want to basically become a selfish lover because I want to feel like I can accomodate my body. I want to have positive associations towards sex. I feel like pushing myself to dilate makes my body less accepting because a) it hurts and b) I'm not really doing this for myself. I guess, having this sort of interaction would make me feel like intimacy can be reached without having the pressure of a d*** appointment deadline.

TL;DR - Going through trauma, had an epiphany about my recovery, want to find an approach that's neutral with my bf without feeling like I'm putting the blame on him.

Submitted August 11, 2020 at 11:53PM

I recently read this book about trauma. It really unclouded my thoughts. I've been having a terrible time due to covid and due to work so it may be just these stressors of the environment being sort of released now that I no longer have work. Anyways, I want to talk to my bf about where my feelings of fear come from - I have always told him it was the act of betrayal but I don't know why I allowed myself to feel like I had to make him be the person who hurt me. I think I placed a lot of pressure upon myself and upon him through myself to make changes when in reality - the mind just can't speed up the body.Basically, I just want to tell him that since I'm beginning to start befriending myself, it's basically led to a perception of being able to genuinely trust someone. Because I've always been obsessed with the possiblity of betrayal and I've been obsessed with having constant reassurance from him even though it felt unnatural because I would have to ask for it. I think though by stating that "well, I don't trust you" seems like it makes the trust so superficial before but the idea is that when you are going through trauma - you are living a dual reality - one that's a continous present and one thats a past present of misery basically. I would trust him and then go back and withdraw my trust.I think I just put a lot of expectation where I couldn't offer it either - like the expectation was a projection of what I wanted from myself. I know that I have always depended on others so it makes a lot of sense.I also want to basically become a selfish lover because I want to feel like I can accomodate my body. I want to have positive associations towards sex. I feel like pushing myself to dilate makes my body less accepting because a) it hurts and b) I'm not really doing this for myself. I guess, having this sort of interaction would make me feel like intimacy can be reached without having the pressure of a d*** appointment deadline.TL;DR - Going through trauma, had an epiphany about my recovery, want to find an approach that's neutral with my bf without feeling like I'm putting the blame on him.