Feeling neglected by my boyfriend

I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, living together for 1. I'm 25, F, he's 26, M and we work full time but on very opposite schedules - he works Monday - Friday 07:00 -16:00 and I work random night shifts (18:00 - 07:00) all over the place including 6 weekends in every 8 (2 of these being 13hr day shifts). I get a lot of days off in the week due to the long shifts but obviously this means we don't often have full days off together.

Because of this I typically sit in the house alone all day, watching TV and cleaning etc. He gets home about 17:00, plays with the dog for about 10 minutes, briefly chats then takes himself off for what he says will be a 3 hour nap but is usually 4+ hours. When he eventually gets up he pretty much goes straight to his computer (I'll get maybe 10 minutes of interaction if I haven't just given up and gone to bed myself) where he'll immediately put his headset on and join the Discord with his friends regardless of whether I'm still awake or not. He'll remain there until 1-2am and then go to bed. His weekends follow the same pattern, just longer game time and naps. I'd say he does maybe 20% of the housework but only on a Sunday, he wont touch anything through the week.

This is exactly what he used to do when we didn't live together, but whenever I visited him he'd actually spend time with me watching movies or playing games together etc. I feel like over the past 6-7 months I have to demand attention to get an evening with him because it's rare he'll suggest something himself. He tends to agree when I ask, but I then end up feeling like he's sitting with me as a chore rather than because he wants to and he ends up staring at his phone the whole time anyway.

I should mention that I play a decent amount of games myself (our PCs are right next to each others) but even if I go and sit next to him he'll put his headset on most of the time and I just find it so rude.

I've mentioned feeling neglected before and he just says that I have to expect him to go straight to his PC if I don't ask him to do things, but it makes me sad that I have to ask my own boyfriend to want to spend time with me once a week. I'm not great with communicating my feelings and I have depression so I end up crying a lot which means I can't get everything off my chest before I break down. Sex is maybe once a month and has gone severely downhill. It's also a bit of a sore spot for me, as I was on the pill a couple of years back which killed my sex drive and made me irritable and he told me he'd almost broken up with me over it when I came off it and was feeling better. Now he never wants it anyway.

He'll occasionally suggest playing a game together, which we did for a few hours at the weekend - I had to join the Discord with his friends to play with them too. He's now been playing alone with them all week and I haven't been invited. I'm starting to think that he counts doing the food shop as quality time together.

We've had brief conversations but he always just brings up me not really having friends to spend time with and that's why I want so much attention - I absolutely agree that some of my loneliness stems from that but I don't think it's fair to shift all the blame there, nor do I think I expect too much attention by being upset that all of his free time is away from me.

I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how to talk to him about this? I feel like whatever I bring up he has an answer for that makes it my fault and then I end up crying because I hate conflict, the conversation ends and nothing changes. I really don't want to break up over this without feeling like I've given it a fair chance to be resolved.

TL;DR - Boyfriend doesn't seem to want to spend casual time with me without me always being the one asking and I don't know what to do about it.

Submitted August 12, 2020 at 12:05AM

I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, living together for 1. I'm 25, F, he's 26, M and we work full time but on very opposite schedules - he works Monday - Friday 07:00 -16:00 and I work random night shifts (18:00 - 07:00) all over the place including 6 weekends in every 8 (2 of these being 13hr day shifts). I get a lot of days off in the week due to the long shifts but obviously this means we don't often have full days off together.Because of this I typically sit in the house alone all day, watching TV and cleaning etc. He gets home about 17:00, plays with the dog for about 10 minutes, briefly chats then takes himself off for what he says will be a 3 hour nap but is usually 4+ hours. When he eventually gets up he pretty much goes straight to his computer (I'll get maybe 10 minutes of interaction if I haven't just given up and gone to bed myself) where he'll immediately put his headset on and join the Discord with his friends regardless of whether I'm still awake or not. He'll remain there until 1-2am and then go to bed. His weekends follow the same pattern, just longer game time and naps. I'd say he does maybe 20% of the housework but only on a Sunday, he wont touch anything through the week.This is exactly what he used to do when we didn't live together, but whenever I visited him he'd actually spend time with me watching movies or playing games together etc. I feel like over the past 6-7 months I have to demand attention to get an evening with him because it's rare he'll suggest something himself. He tends to agree when I ask, but I then end up feeling like he's sitting with me as a chore rather than because he wants to and he ends up staring at his phone the whole time anyway.I should mention that I play a decent amount of games myself (our PCs are right next to each others) but even if I go and sit next to him he'll put his headset on most of the time and I just find it so rude.I've mentioned feeling neglected before and he just says that I have to expect him to go straight to his PC if I don't ask him to do things, but it makes me sad that I have to ask my own boyfriend to want to spend time with me once a week. I'm not great with communicating my feelings and I have depression so I end up crying a lot which means I can't get everything off my chest before I break down. Sex is maybe once a month and has gone severely downhill. It's also a bit of a sore spot for me, as I was on the pill a couple of years back which killed my sex drive and made me irritable and he told me he'd almost broken up with me over it when I came off it and was feeling better. Now he never wants it anyway.He'll occasionally suggest playing a game together, which we did for a few hours at the weekend - I had to join the Discord with his friends to play with them too. He's now been playing alone with them all week and I haven't been invited. I'm starting to think that he counts doing the food shop as quality time together.We've had brief conversations but he always just brings up me not really having friends to spend time with and that's why I want so much attention - I absolutely agree that some of my loneliness stems from that but I don't think it's fair to shift all the blame there, nor do I think I expect too much attention by being upset that all of his free time is away from me.I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how to talk to him about this? I feel like whatever I bring up he has an answer for that makes it my fault and then I end up crying because I hate conflict, the conversation ends and nothing changes. I really don't want to break up over this without feeling like I've given it a fair chance to be resolved.TL;DR - Boyfriend doesn't seem to want to spend casual time with me without me always being the one asking and I don't know what to do about it.