Trying to work out problems with my (27F) aunt (46/F) and she is ignoring me. What do I do?

My aunt, Maria (46F) and I (27F) have been close my whole life. We got particularly close about 5-6 years ago when she was going through trouble with her marriage that ultimately ended in divorce. I even moved in with her for a few months to help her acclimate and help take care of her daughter, Kate (who is now 17F). She and I were best friends and I saw her as a maternal figure as well (my mom and I do not get along - currently no contact).

My aunt had a few casual relationships after her divorce but started dating her long-term boyfriend, Tom (35?M) about 4 years ago. She has gone through a lot with him - it was on-again-off-again for about a year, he cheated on her, he wouldn’t take photos with her, was jealous of her ex, and he got angry with her a lot for really petty stuff - I tried my best to provide support to her through all that. After about a year of her being in a consistent relationship with Tom (this would have been around 2017), my relationship with her started deteriorating. We stopped hanging out as much, she was always busy, and I confronted her about it. She said it was because Tom understood her like no one else ever has and that I was so busy (I wasn’t) and I needed to live my life. I accepted it because I wanted her to be happy and just tried to spend time with her when she was free. Around this time, she started changing. She became much more conservative, she stopped speaking to me like an adult and talked to me like a child, she became a lot less involved in Kate’s life, she started speaking poorly about my dad (her brother). She would lie and say Tom didn’t matter to her but then would spend entire weekends at his house and send Kate to her dad’s (which Kate wasn’t really okay with at the time, she’s a very anxious person). Tom never comes to family gatherings (since 2016 he has been to one - he didn’t even attend my wedding) so it’s been hard to get to know him. Apparently he doesn’t like my parents. I get the feeling Tom doesn’t like me either - he rarely speaks to me when I see him.

I’ve spent a lot of time helping my aunt. I took Kate to school and took her home 3 days a week for 6+ months (having to get up way early to get her there and get to work on time, I never asked for gas money). When my grandfather - Maria’s father - passed away last summer I helped her with anything I could. At one point I was helping her and Tom clean out his house in the pouring rain and I was unloading heavy stuff from a truck into a dumpster (I’m a petite woman) and Tom just stood in the garage and watched me and Maria was inside in the dry. I lent her $1000 at one point so she could pay her bills. I’ve offered to get her groceries for her, I’ve helped her organize her house. I took care of Christmas dinner. If she needed it, I was there.

I’ve stayed close with Kate and have been helping her to apply for college and navigate the world (she says Maria is too busy and doesn’t support her dreams). She has been struggling because she is an only child and feels that her mom has abandoned her and that her mom and Tom play favorites with his (much younger) daughter (she got a birthday party, Kate didn’t even get gifts on time). I have tried to support her because it’s clear she is angry and struggling.

In the past ~6 months, it seems like Maria is angry at me. When I was between jobs and working as a contractor, she told my husband I needed to get off my ass and get a real job (I was applying to jobs day and night at the time). She’s expressed jealousy of my best friend (saying she’s invited me to do things and I’ve turned her down to spend time with my friend - not true). Kate says she talks poorly about me behind my back, saying very hurtful things and doesn’t seem to want Kate to come to my house. She even left my wedding reception early to go to Tom’s. I hadn’t said anything because I knew she was grieving her father and I didn’t want to upset her further.

Last week, Tom made a Facebook post about COVID-19 that was misinformed (Kate says he’s not been social distancing - he had a BBQ with 15+ people - which has upset me because he’s putting my family at risk). I commented providing correct info and he got angry and Maria told me my comment was unnecessary (I wasn’t rude - he was the one who got harsh and combative). She and I ended up getting into an argument when I tried discussing with her how she’s changed and how Tom is rude to me and I no longer feel welcome in her life. I had to text and ask why she was ignoring me to even get her to respond. She apologized but didn’t seem to make any moves to improve things with me - the apology seemed like she just wanted to smooth things over and go on with her life if that makes sense?

Yesterday, Kate expressed her desire to double-major to her mom and Maria wasn’t supportive (she wants her to go to college that is coincidentally in the town Tom lives in). I told her it would be a good idea to express her feelings to her mom. She sent me a screenshot of her mom’s response to her long, heartfelt text - she said that Kate was acting like me and said some really hurtful things about myself and my dad.

I confronted Maria about this (with Kate’s permission - I didn’t want to betray her confidence) and about the other cruel things I’ve heard that she’s been saying about me. She ignored me and has yet to speak to me, but she did call my dad. She made Kate hand her phone over last night and went through all the texts between myself and Kate and told my dad I was unsupportive of her parenting (Kate was so upset yesterday and said she wanted to move to her dad’s and I supported her - I grew up living in a horrible situation with my mom and would have loved someone to provide that kind of validation and support to me). She told my dad she planned on reaching out to me, but that was early this morning and I have yet to hear anything. My dad is somewhat defending her, and from my perspective I am just so crushed. I want her to be happy but I miss her and I am scared that Tom is trying to isolate her and is taking advantage of the money she has inherited from my grandfather. I’m also so worried about Kate. My dad says that Kate is playing us against each other because she told me what Maria was saying about me (which I think is pretty typical behavior from a - very immature - 17 year old having problems with a parent) and I tried to explain to him that my issues with Maria have stretched far beyond the past few weeks with Kate telling me what she has said (I have not once asked what she’s said about me and even asked Kate to quit passing that information along which she did).

It kills me that instead of talking to me, Maria went to my dad and has yet to reach out to me. I’ve been trying all week to dive into our problems but it seems like she just doesn’t care. Should I call her? Text her and ask to set up a good time to talk? Am I in the wrong here? If I am I’m completely open to that and willing to apologize for overstepping. I really want to talk to her on the phone because all our discussion has been via text and I think that isn’t the best way to handle things.

TLDR - my relationship with my aunt has deteriorated since she got into her current relationship. I have tried to confront her and work things out but now she is ignoring me. What do I do?

Submitted April 26, 2020 at 11:54PM

My aunt, Maria (46F) and I (27F) have been close my whole life. We got particularly close about 5-6 years ago when she was going through trouble with her marriage that ultimately ended in divorce. I even moved in with her for a few months to help her acclimate and help take care of her daughter, Kate (who is now 17F). She and I were best friends and I saw her as a maternal figure as well (my mom and I do not get along - currently no contact).My aunt had a few casual relationships after her divorce but started dating her long-term boyfriend, Tom (35?M) about 4 years ago. She has gone through a lot with him - it was on-again-off-again for about a year, he cheated on her, he wouldn’t take photos with her, was jealous of her ex, and he got angry with her a lot for really petty stuff - I tried my best to provide support to her through all that. After about a year of her being in a consistent relationship with Tom (this would have been around 2017), my relationship with her started deteriorating. We stopped hanging out as much, she was always busy, and I confronted her about it. She said it was because Tom understood her like no one else ever has and that I was so busy (I wasn’t) and I needed to live my life. I accepted it because I wanted her to be happy and just tried to spend time with her when she was free. Around this time, she started changing. She became much more conservative, she stopped speaking to me like an adult and talked to me like a child, she became a lot less involved in Kate’s life, she started speaking poorly about my dad (her brother). She would lie and say Tom didn’t matter to her but then would spend entire weekends at his house and send Kate to her dad’s (which Kate wasn’t really okay with at the time, she’s a very anxious person). Tom never comes to family gatherings (since 2016 he has been to one - he didn’t even attend my wedding) so it’s been hard to get to know him. Apparently he doesn’t like my parents. I get the feeling Tom doesn’t like me either - he rarely speaks to me when I see him.I’ve spent a lot of time helping my aunt. I took Kate to school and took her home 3 days a week for 6+ months (having to get up way early to get her there and get to work on time, I never asked for gas money). When my grandfather - Maria’s father - passed away last summer I helped her with anything I could. At one point I was helping her and Tom clean out his house in the pouring rain and I was unloading heavy stuff from a truck into a dumpster (I’m a petite woman) and Tom just stood in the garage and watched me and Maria was inside in the dry. I lent her $1000 at one point so she could pay her bills. I’ve offered to get her groceries for her, I’ve helped her organize her house. I took care of Christmas dinner. If she needed it, I was there.I’ve stayed close with Kate and have been helping her to apply for college and navigate the world (she says Maria is too busy and doesn’t support her dreams). She has been struggling because she is an only child and feels that her mom has abandoned her and that her mom and Tom play favorites with his (much younger) daughter (she got a birthday party, Kate didn’t even get gifts on time). I have tried to support her because it’s clear she is angry and struggling.In the past ~6 months, it seems like Maria is angry at me. When I was between jobs and working as a contractor, she told my husband I needed to get off my ass and get a real job (I was applying to jobs day and night at the time). She’s expressed jealousy of my best friend (saying she’s invited me to do things and I’ve turned her down to spend time with my friend - not true). Kate says she talks poorly about me behind my back, saying very hurtful things and doesn’t seem to want Kate to come to my house. She even left my wedding reception early to go to Tom’s. I hadn’t said anything because I knew she was grieving her father and I didn’t want to upset her further.Last week, Tom made a Facebook post about COVID-19 that was misinformed (Kate says he’s not been social distancing - he had a BBQ with 15+ people - which has upset me because he’s putting my family at risk). I commented providing correct info and he got angry and Maria told me my comment was unnecessary (I wasn’t rude - he was the one who got harsh and combative). She and I ended up getting into an argument when I tried discussing with her how she’s changed and how Tom is rude to me and I no longer feel welcome in her life. I had to text and ask why she was ignoring me to even get her to respond. She apologized but didn’t seem to make any moves to improve things with me - the apology seemed like she just wanted to smooth things over and go on with her life if that makes sense?Yesterday, Kate expressed her desire to double-major to her mom and Maria wasn’t supportive (she wants her to go to college that is coincidentally in the town Tom lives in). I told her it would be a good idea to express her feelings to her mom. She sent me a screenshot of her mom’s response to her long, heartfelt text - she said that Kate was acting like me and said some really hurtful things about myself and my dad.I confronted Maria about this (with Kate’s permission - I didn’t want to betray her confidence) and about the other cruel things I’ve heard that she’s been saying about me. She ignored me and has yet to speak to me, but she did call my dad. She made Kate hand her phone over last night and went through all the texts between myself and Kate and told my dad I was unsupportive of her parenting (Kate was so upset yesterday and said she wanted to move to her dad’s and I supported her - I grew up living in a horrible situation with my mom and would have loved someone to provide that kind of validation and support to me). She told my dad she planned on reaching out to me, but that was early this morning and I have yet to hear anything. My dad is somewhat defending her, and from my perspective I am just so crushed. I want her to be happy but I miss her and I am scared that Tom is trying to isolate her and is taking advantage of the money she has inherited from my grandfather. I’m also so worried about Kate. My dad says that Kate is playing us against each other because she told me what Maria was saying about me (which I think is pretty typical behavior from a - very immature - 17 year old having problems with a parent) and I tried to explain to him that my issues with Maria have stretched far beyond the past few weeks with Kate telling me what she has said (I have not once asked what she’s said about me and even asked Kate to quit passing that information along which she did).It kills me that instead of talking to me, Maria went to my dad and has yet to reach out to me. I’ve been trying all week to dive into our problems but it seems like she just doesn’t care. Should I call her? Text her and ask to set up a good time to talk? Am I in the wrong here? If I am I’m completely open to that and willing to apologize for overstepping. I really want to talk to her on the phone because all our discussion has been via text and I think that isn’t the best way to handle things.TLDR - my relationship with my aunt has deteriorated since she got into her current relationship. I have tried to confront her and work things out but now she is ignoring me. What do I do?