I don’t know how to set boundaries with my mom.

My mom (38F) and I (21F) never had a great relationship when I was growing up. She was physically and mentally abusive until I turned 17 and a friend of mine told her parents that I was being abused after I stayed at their home to get away from my mom after a particularly bad fight. After this incident, she started going to therapy and things were good for about a year. She stopped the medication, but wasn’t who she used to be. We got along great and we were best friends. She still has some toxic characteristics but I’ve tried my best to be civil with her and just let her have her tantrums. I don’t know if this has anything to do with my relationship with her as a child and the threats she used to make, but I truly am heartbroken over the thought of not being able to talk to her about everything or not be able to be there for her. I tell her everything. EVERYTHING. She does the same. My husband (22M) rent the basement apartment in my parents house while we save to buy a house. Our child (5) also lives with us full time. He is not biologically mine but I have raised him and I adopted him when he was very very young. My husband and I have been trying to have another baby for 2 1/2 years but struggling with infertility on my part. We finally found our we were expecting, and my whole family was ecstatic. I expressed to my mom early on that I wasn’t sure if we ever had a baby that we’d have people in the room during the delivery. We wanted it to be special and just for us for at least a little while. I’ve expressed my concerns with anyone kissing the baby fresh out of the womb, and other things similar to this. I have never been dead set on any of these deductions, just casually taking with her about what was on my mind. I still need to do my research and my husband and I will decide what is right for us when we’re educated. My mom has already decided that we’re having a gender reveal and nobody is going to know the gender except her until the party. I think gender reveals are a cute idea, but personally not my cup of tea. I’d have a small intimate one solely to surprise my son, and that’s really all I’m interested in. But, I understand everyone in my family has been waiting for another grand baby, and as I’m the oldest in a small family and my son is adopted, nobody in my family has gotten to experience a pregnancy or birth or anything like this. So I get it, i gender reveal could be fun. The problem is, my mom can’t keep a secret to save her life. I casually mentioned today that I might have my sister in law help her, but I wasn’t sure yet. And she BLEW UP in front of the rest of our family (they all live upstairs). She said that she doesn’t want to be a part of anything I do with the baby and it’s not fair that I get to tell her she can’t kiss the baby or she can’t be in the room when I give birth or she can’t do the gender reveal by herself. I looked at her and told her that I’m not decided on anything yet and that while I never meant to hurt her feelings, I wouldn’t tell her what I was thinking if it made her feel bad. She is refusing to talk with me now. I feel awful because I didn’t mean to make her feel bad but I also wish I had a mom that could just support what I feel is best for my family and I. We live with her and I’m scared she’ll kick us out because she’s mad (very like her). I don’t know how to set a good boundary without upsetting anyone but also doing what I feel should be mine and my husbands choice. Advice?

TL;DR : my mom and I don’t have a great relationship but I can’t imagine not having her in my life. She’s crossed boundaries over my thinking out-loud thoughts for my pregnancy.

Submitted April 26, 2020 at 11:33PM

My mom (38F) and I (21F) never had a great relationship when I was growing up. She was physically and mentally abusive until I turned 17 and a friend of mine told her parents that I was being abused after I stayed at their home to get away from my mom after a particularly bad fight. After this incident, she started going to therapy and things were good for about a year. She stopped the medication, but wasn’t who she used to be. We got along great and we were best friends. She still has some toxic characteristics but I’ve tried my best to be civil with her and just let her have her tantrums. I don’t know if this has anything to do with my relationship with her as a child and the threats she used to make, but I truly am heartbroken over the thought of not being able to talk to her about everything or not be able to be there for her. I tell her everything. EVERYTHING. She does the same. My husband (22M) rent the basement apartment in my parents house while we save to buy a house. Our child (5) also lives with us full time. He is not biologically mine but I have raised him and I adopted him when he was very very young. My husband and I have been trying to have another baby for 2 1/2 years but struggling with infertility on my part. We finally found our we were expecting, and my whole family was ecstatic. I expressed to my mom early on that I wasn’t sure if we ever had a baby that we’d have people in the room during the delivery. We wanted it to be special and just for us for at least a little while. I’ve expressed my concerns with anyone kissing the baby fresh out of the womb, and other things similar to this. I have never been dead set on any of these deductions, just casually taking with her about what was on my mind. I still need to do my research and my husband and I will decide what is right for us when we’re educated. My mom has already decided that we’re having a gender reveal and nobody is going to know the gender except her until the party. I think gender reveals are a cute idea, but personally not my cup of tea. I’d have a small intimate one solely to surprise my son, and that’s really all I’m interested in. But, I understand everyone in my family has been waiting for another grand baby, and as I’m the oldest in a small family and my son is adopted, nobody in my family has gotten to experience a pregnancy or birth or anything like this. So I get it, i gender reveal could be fun. The problem is, my mom can’t keep a secret to save her life. I casually mentioned today that I might have my sister in law help her, but I wasn’t sure yet. And she BLEW UP in front of the rest of our family (they all live upstairs). She said that she doesn’t want to be a part of anything I do with the baby and it’s not fair that I get to tell her she can’t kiss the baby or she can’t be in the room when I give birth or she can’t do the gender reveal by herself. I looked at her and told her that I’m not decided on anything yet and that while I never meant to hurt her feelings, I wouldn’t tell her what I was thinking if it made her feel bad. She is refusing to talk with me now. I feel awful because I didn’t mean to make her feel bad but I also wish I had a mom that could just support what I feel is best for my family and I. We live with her and I’m scared she’ll kick us out because she’s mad (very like her). I don’t know how to set a good boundary without upsetting anyone but also doing what I feel should be mine and my husbands choice. Advice?TL;DR : my mom and I don’t have a great relationship but I can’t imagine not having her in my life. She’s crossed boundaries over my thinking out-loud thoughts for my pregnancy.