My[21F] boyfriend [21M] seems to have unresolved trauma because of abusive ex-girlfriend. Now I dont know if I should be with him

Ive been with my boyfriend for about 1 year. He is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. He is so caring, thoughtful and kind. However, some days I felt like he could be a little cold towards me, especially when he was in a bad mood. He never told me why he was in a bad mood. A few days ago my boyfriend was in one of those moods, I asked him what was wrong and for the first time he answered with an implication something was wrong. He usually says “Im fine” or “woke up on the wrong side of the bed” but this time he said “I dont want to talk about it”. After some persistence he told me that his previous relationship was affecting the way he loves me and that he finds it debilitating. It broke my heart.

His ex-girlfriend abused him emotionally, I don’t want to get into the details because that is their business but just for some context she did many things to hurt him intentionally. Ostracised him from his family and friends, held him accountable for her own happiness etc. I don’t see her as a bad person or hate her or anything like that. I just think they weren’t right for each other.

Anyways, he told me that when him and I are having a nice moment together, he finds himself comparing and reassuring himself that his life has taken a turn for the better. But the memories of what was bad about the previous relationship makes him feel shit and the fact that he is still thinking about her bothers him because he feels like he should not be thinking about it or her and be focusing on his present life. He says he feels like he cannot love me the way he feels like i deserve to be loved. He also says that if something that we are doing is similar to something in the past with his ex he would feel shit from that reminder. For example while we was playing games he was replying to my messages but was reminded of the times his ex would blow up at him because he wasn’t replying to her. He finds all this debilitating and does not what to do from here.

He says that he is completely over her and does not want to see her or be associated with her. Im not convinced he is. There have been many instances before this conversation where I had an inkling that perhaps there were unresolved issues on his end. For example he has seen her at a few music festivals and just completely run away. The way he speaks about her is with utter rage and resentment. There are other small things that never sat right with me but I never investigated more. She also shoved him at one of these festivals when she saw him early this year which left him really mad for a few days. He says he often feels really numb and emotionless. He says he doesn’t know how to be a good boyfriend or love properly.

He but he has also reassured me that he loves me(?) , wants to be with me and knows he is lucky to have me in his life. At this point I feel like he is in love with idea of having me in his life and not actually in love with me. Am I being too irrational to jump to that conclusion?

The reason why I am concerned is because when we first started dating he was unsure if he was ready for a relationship. I ended up breaking it off with him because I didn’t want to wait for him to make up his mind. He reached out to me a week or so later and we discussed his feelings and obviously we got together.

This has troubled me deeply. I dont want to tell him though because i dont want to make this about me.

I dont know where to go from here. Is he experiencing trauma from his precious relationship? Is he not over her? Should I be worried ? Was I silly to take him back when we first started when it was clear he wasn’t ready

Tldr I think my bf has unresolved trauma from his previous relationship. I am now unsure if he really loves me.

Submitted March 29, 2020 at 11:49PM

Ive been with my boyfriend for about 1 year. He is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. He is so caring, thoughtful and kind. However, some days I felt like he could be a little cold towards me, especially when he was in a bad mood. He never told me why he was in a bad mood. A few days ago my boyfriend was in one of those moods, I asked him what was wrong and for the first time he answered with an implication something was wrong. He usually says “Im fine” or “woke up on the wrong side of the bed” but this time he said “I dont want to talk about it”. After some persistence he told me that his previous relationship was affecting the way he loves me and that he finds it debilitating. It broke my heart.His ex-girlfriend abused him emotionally, I don’t want to get into the details because that is their business but just for some context she did many things to hurt him intentionally. Ostracised him from his family and friends, held him accountable for her own happiness etc. I don’t see her as a bad person or hate her or anything like that. I just think they weren’t right for each other.Anyways, he told me that when him and I are having a nice moment together, he finds himself comparing and reassuring himself that his life has taken a turn for the better. But the memories of what was bad about the previous relationship makes him feel shit and the fact that he is still thinking about her bothers him because he feels like he should not be thinking about it or her and be focusing on his present life. He says he feels like he cannot love me the way he feels like i deserve to be loved. He also says that if something that we are doing is similar to something in the past with his ex he would feel shit from that reminder. For example while we was playing games he was replying to my messages but was reminded of the times his ex would blow up at him because he wasn’t replying to her. He finds all this debilitating and does not what to do from here.He says that he is completely over her and does not want to see her or be associated with her. Im not convinced he is. There have been many instances before this conversation where I had an inkling that perhaps there were unresolved issues on his end. For example he has seen her at a few music festivals and just completely run away. The way he speaks about her is with utter rage and resentment. There are other small things that never sat right with me but I never investigated more. She also shoved him at one of these festivals when she saw him early this year which left him really mad for a few days. He says he often feels really numb and emotionless. He says he doesn’t know how to be a good boyfriend or love properly.He but he has also reassured me that he loves me(?) , wants to be with me and knows he is lucky to have me in his life. At this point I feel like he is in love with idea of having me in his life and not actually in love with me. Am I being too irrational to jump to that conclusion?The reason why I am concerned is because when we first started dating he was unsure if he was ready for a relationship. I ended up breaking it off with him because I didn’t want to wait for him to make up his mind. He reached out to me a week or so later and we discussed his feelings and obviously we got together.This has troubled me deeply. I dont want to tell him though because i dont want to make this about me.I dont know where to go from here. Is he experiencing trauma from his precious relationship? Is he not over her? Should I be worried ? Was I silly to take him back when we first started when it was clear he wasn’t readyTldr I think my bf has unresolved trauma from his previous relationship. I am now unsure if he really loves me.