I've Been Cheated On Before and It Still Makes Me Insecure

This is my first ever post on reddit, so please excuse any formatting issues or if this is not relevant to the community. I am also posting this here because my next therapy appointment isn't for over a week and I would like a little advice before then.

I (22F) am notoriously bad at communicating how I feel to my boyfriend (25M), and since we are now quarantined together for the foreseeable future it has proven to be a relatively big issue. We have been together for around 2 years.

Last night, he and his close friend (F) had a video call and watched movies together. They were having a great time and I kept hearing his laughter coming from his room from where I was at in the living room. He was really happy when they finished their call up. Now, this should generally not be an issue, because I know he would never cheat on me and his friend is a lesbian. But it's an issue for me.

Some background on me is that my past two previous relationships ended because both my partners cheated on me with close female friends of theirs. It bothers me because I did not think much of it before, you know, they both cheated on me. Also, my current boyfriend went on one or two dates with this friend of his before she had figured out she was gay. This tidbit of info was shared with me about 6 months ago.

I guess a lot of this comes down to the fact that I am jealous of how good their relationship is, he has not laughed that hard or been as jovial around me and I worry that being with me as a whole has taken away some of his happiness. I keep thinking that if his friend was not exclusively into girls that they would be dating each other. He told me he really really loved her in a more romantic sense and wanted to keep dating her when they had gone out those couple of times. It just, stings a lot to think about.

Obviously I want him to keep his friendship with her because I know it means a lot to him and he is allowed to have female friends. I want him to do what makes him happy and not control who he hangs with because that is super toxic.

I feel as if I cannot bring this up to my boyfriend because I do not want him to get upset with me. He knows there is something up with me and keeps asking me what is wrong, but I keep telling him everything is okay because I really do not know how to tell him. We both have different way of handling our problems, and mine is always keeping to myself because of past issues (not related to him).

What I am asking here today is if I should bring this up to him at all, or just wait it out until it blows over? I do not want this relationship to fall apart because I suck at telling him things because I really really love him and want to marry him, but I am afraid that if I keep doing this, we eventually will.

Feel free to ask any questions for clarification.

TL;DR: I am insecure with my relationship because of past ones and have no idea how to approach my current boyfriend with my issues without having it end with him being upset.

Submitted March 30, 2020 at 12:14AM

This is my first ever post on reddit, so please excuse any formatting issues or if this is not relevant to the community. I am also posting this here because my next therapy appointment isn't for over a week and I would like a little advice before then.I (22F) am notoriously bad at communicating how I feel to my boyfriend (25M), and since we are now quarantined together for the foreseeable future it has proven to be a relatively big issue. We have been together for around 2 years.Last night, he and his close friend (F) had a video call and watched movies together. They were having a great time and I kept hearing his laughter coming from his room from where I was at in the living room. He was really happy when they finished their call up. Now, this should generally not be an issue, because I know he would never cheat on me and his friend is a lesbian. But it's an issue for me.Some background on me is that my past two previous relationships ended because both my partners cheated on me with close female friends of theirs. It bothers me because I did not think much of it before, you know, they both cheated on me. Also, my current boyfriend went on one or two dates with this friend of his before she had figured out she was gay. This tidbit of info was shared with me about 6 months ago.I guess a lot of this comes down to the fact that I am jealous of how good their relationship is, he has not laughed that hard or been as jovial around me and I worry that being with me as a whole has taken away some of his happiness. I keep thinking that if his friend was not exclusively into girls that they would be dating each other. He told me he really really loved her in a more romantic sense and wanted to keep dating her when they had gone out those couple of times. It just, stings a lot to think about.Obviously I want him to keep his friendship with her because I know it means a lot to him and he is allowed to have female friends. I want him to do what makes him happy and not control who he hangs with because that is super toxic.I feel as if I cannot bring this up to my boyfriend because I do not want him to get upset with me. He knows there is something up with me and keeps asking me what is wrong, but I keep telling him everything is okay because I really do not know how to tell him. We both have different way of handling our problems, and mine is always keeping to myself because of past issues (not related to him).What I am asking here today is if I should bring this up to him at all, or just wait it out until it blows over? I do not want this relationship to fall apart because I suck at telling him things because I really really love him and want to marry him, but I am afraid that if I keep doing this, we eventually will.Feel free to ask any questions for clarification.TL;DR: I am insecure with my relationship because of past ones and have no idea how to approach my current boyfriend with my issues without having it end with him being upset.