I [19F] find myself distancing from my sister [22F] because of her frequent venting about her relationship

Throwaway because my sister reddits, but honestly, the details are specific enough that she might realize it’s me, anyway.

My sister has been in a relationship with her significant other for over a year now. There have been some rocky points along the way, but all in all, I thought of it as a solid relationship and one where I was pretty fond of the person she’s dating. However, in the past couple of months, things have taken a turn for the worst, and it’s becoming more and more clear that this person is toxic and unhealthy in various ways.

Me and my sister have always been extremely close, and we tell each other everything. I’ve always liked to think that I was someone who was there for her when she needed it, and someone that she comes to when she needs help. This situation is no different— for the past few weeks as the situation has worsened, I’ve been there for her to rant to and vent to when she needed. But here’s where the problems start.

Ever since the COVID-19 pandemic, I’ve since moved back home from my university, and we now live under the same roof again. I used to help her out 1-2 times a week, sometimes on the phone and sometimes in person. It worked out well because I was able to help without it consuming me and becoming overwhelming, and I got time to myself to be able to not worry about all of this.

It has now gotten to a point where she comes to me asking for advice 2-3 times a day, leaving me in a situation where I have nowhere to go when I want to be away from all of this. I’ve voiced my thoughts on the problems and the relationship as a whole (particularly being that I think they should either end the relationship or go to therapy) but I understand that at the end of the day, it is her relationship and she doesn’t have to follow what I’ve said.

They’re working on it, and I do believe that they can come out of this with some serious work, but I can’t help but feel frustrated when every day, she comes to me with a different problem arising in the relationship that I have to listen through. I want to be there for her, but I’m at a point where I feel like pulling my hair out at the mention of her S/O’s name.

I’ve repeatedly shut these feelings down as a result of me feeling guilty, because I’m one of the closest people to her and I don’t want her to feel like she’s alone. But it is so damn hard. I feel horrible saying it, but this situation is literally making me distance myself from her. I end up staying in common areas of the house so that she doesn’t talk about it (because she only brings it up when it’s just the two of us,) and I’ve ended up talking to her less because it always turns into a venting session when I’m around her.

I’ve somewhat mentioned not wanting to be a part of it (ex. lightheartedly saying “I don’t know what to say,” “This is a lot to handle,” “I’m tired of talking about this.”) but every time, she apologizes and says “I know it’s a lot, I’m sorry.” but then continues to speak on whatever she was saying before.

But today I hit my breaking point. I was sitting down in a common area with my other sibling, when she came into the room and said something among the lines of being tired about the whole situation with her S/O. At that point, I knew that it was about to turn into another vent, I said, “I’m really sorry, but can we not talk about this right now? It’s just a lot.” I also brought up the fact that earlier in the day, as soon as I had woken up and she heard me leave my room, she called me into hers and began venting. At that time too, I had passive-aggressively said that it was a lot for my to handle (but admittedly didn’t outright tell her to stop, so she vented anyway.)

After I said that, she was clearly hurt by what I had said, and to her credit, she didn’t bring it up anymore. The atmosphere was really tense and quiet after that, so a few minutes later, I tried to change the subject and talk about something else. She answered something among the lines of “I’m honestly really not in the mood to talk right now, I’m sad that you said that. It makes me feel like you only want to talk to me when I’m happy.” I didn’t reply, because at that point I had felt so guilty about saying something that I wished I had just sucked it up and listened like I had all the other times.

I just feel horrible. I feel like a terrible sister for not wanting to hear her vent, and I want to help but it’s honestly driving me crazy. I love my sister with my whole heart and I feel ridiculous for distancing myself from her over something like this. What am I supposed to do?

TLDR; My sister comes to me for advice and venting really often, to the point where it is affecting my mental health and causing me to distance myself from her. I want to be there for her, but I don’t know how to convey that this is negatively impacting me in the process.

Submitted March 30, 2020 at 12:08AM

Throwaway because my sister reddits, but honestly, the details are specific enough that she might realize it’s me, anyway.My sister has been in a relationship with her significant other for over a year now. There have been some rocky points along the way, but all in all, I thought of it as a solid relationship and one where I was pretty fond of the person she’s dating. However, in the past couple of months, things have taken a turn for the worst, and it’s becoming more and more clear that this person is toxic and unhealthy in various ways.Me and my sister have always been extremely close, and we tell each other everything. I’ve always liked to think that I was someone who was there for her when she needed it, and someone that she comes to when she needs help. This situation is no different— for the past few weeks as the situation has worsened, I’ve been there for her to rant to and vent to when she needed. But here’s where the problems start.Ever since the COVID-19 pandemic, I’ve since moved back home from my university, and we now live under the same roof again. I used to help her out 1-2 times a week, sometimes on the phone and sometimes in person. It worked out well because I was able to help without it consuming me and becoming overwhelming, and I got time to myself to be able to not worry about all of this.It has now gotten to a point where she comes to me asking for advice 2-3 times a day, leaving me in a situation where I have nowhere to go when I want to be away from all of this. I’ve voiced my thoughts on the problems and the relationship as a whole (particularly being that I think they should either end the relationship or go to therapy) but I understand that at the end of the day, it is her relationship and she doesn’t have to follow what I’ve said.They’re working on it, and I do believe that they can come out of this with some serious work, but I can’t help but feel frustrated when every day, she comes to me with a different problem arising in the relationship that I have to listen through. I want to be there for her, but I’m at a point where I feel like pulling my hair out at the mention of her S/O’s name.I’ve repeatedly shut these feelings down as a result of me feeling guilty, because I’m one of the closest people to her and I don’t want her to feel like she’s alone. But it is so damn hard. I feel horrible saying it, but this situation is literally making me distance myself from her. I end up staying in common areas of the house so that she doesn’t talk about it (because she only brings it up when it’s just the two of us,) and I’ve ended up talking to her less because it always turns into a venting session when I’m around her.I’ve somewhat mentioned not wanting to be a part of it (ex. lightheartedly saying “I don’t know what to say,” “This is a lot to handle,” “I’m tired of talking about this.”) but every time, she apologizes and says “I know it’s a lot, I’m sorry.” but then continues to speak on whatever she was saying before.But today I hit my breaking point. I was sitting down in a common area with my other sibling, when she came into the room and said something among the lines of being tired about the whole situation with her S/O. At that point, I knew that it was about to turn into another vent, I said, “I’m really sorry, but can we not talk about this right now? It’s just a lot.” I also brought up the fact that earlier in the day, as soon as I had woken up and she heard me leave my room, she called me into hers and began venting. At that time too, I had passive-aggressively said that it was a lot for my to handle (but admittedly didn’t outright tell her to stop, so she vented anyway.)After I said that, she was clearly hurt by what I had said, and to her credit, she didn’t bring it up anymore. The atmosphere was really tense and quiet after that, so a few minutes later, I tried to change the subject and talk about something else. She answered something among the lines of “I’m honestly really not in the mood to talk right now, I’m sad that you said that. It makes me feel like you only want to talk to me when I’m happy.” I didn’t reply, because at that point I had felt so guilty about saying something that I wished I had just sucked it up and listened like I had all the other times.I just feel horrible. I feel like a terrible sister for not wanting to hear her vent, and I want to help but it’s honestly driving me crazy. I love my sister with my whole heart and I feel ridiculous for distancing myself from her over something like this. What am I supposed to do?TLDR; My sister comes to me for advice and venting really often, to the point where it is affecting my mental health and causing me to distance myself from her. I want to be there for her, but I don’t know how to convey that this is negatively impacting me in the process.