My husband may potentially have COVID-19 and wants me to come home to him, but I have health anxiety and am afraid to do so. What would you do?

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and we are experiencing a bit of a relational dilemma in the midst of COVID-19. My husband is a healthcare worker, and I have health anxiety. A real fun combo in the midst of a pandemic. Anyway, this week, I’ve been with my parents at their cabin, because my husband thought it would be a good idea for me to spend a bit of time with them before I likely cannot see them for a while due to my higher risk of exposure to the virus (he had previously been off work for a couple of weeks so I was in the clear at the time). While I was away, my husband worked his shifts at the hospital. When I called him to come pick me up from my parent’s house yesterday, he told me he had a bit of a cough, so I had to decide whether or not I wanted to risk going home. My husband wanted me to come home, but I decided to stay with my parents so he could monitor his symptoms for another day. This morning he told me his cough is worse but he is feeling fine otherwise and now I don't know what to do.

I’m nervous about getting the virus a) because I have health anxiety and always assume the worst and b) because I have asthma and think I could actually be at a bit of a higher risk. However, because I am young and otherwise healthy, my husband thinks I am exaggerating the risks. He is of the mind that if he gets sick, I will likely get sick too anyway and we might as well get through it together now we so have immunity later on. Before this weekend we had had a few contentious conversations about it in passing. He would get a bit annoyed when I would talk about some of the more extreme cases I had read about and would tell me to stop scaring myself, and I would get annoyed at him in return for not taking it seriously enough. He assures me he is taking it seriously, and that he has seen patients at the hospital with it and as such knows the risks, but he still thinks I am being overly cautious.

Anyway, now that the time has actually come for me to make a choice between being with him and staying away to protect myself, we are both feeling rather upset. I’m upset because I feel like my husband is downplaying the risk and does not seem to be as interested as he should be in protecting me from the virus. He is upset because he thinks I am choosing fear for myself over care for him if he is in fact sick with the virus. He thinks our “in sickness and in health” marriage vows should come into play, and that the best decision here would be one of being in it together and taking care of each other. It’s difficult to argue with that, and I don’t think he is wrong here, but I think both of the sacrifices we are asking each other to make are valid. I’m asking him to sacrifice his desire to be with me in order to keep me safe, and he is asking me to possibly put my health at risk in order to be together. The only issue is how we perceive the risks; he thinks the risk to me is ultimately quite low, so to him it feels like I am being trivial if I choose to stay away. Even more so, he is extrapolating on it and questioning whether I would be able to weather storms with him together in the future or turn tail and run at the first sign of trouble (ouch).

In some ways, I think his feelings make a lot of sense. I can see how it looks to him like I am thinking only of my own well-being. Also, this is not the first time my anxiety has affected our relationship. There is a history there, and it has been hard for him and he has put up with a lot. But on the other hand, anxiety is frickin difficult to deal with and requires a ton of sensitivity and understanding, and I feel like he is asking a lot of me without recognizing how great the sacrifice would actually be for me, for both my mental and physical health. It’s also hard for me to see how many other healthcare workers are intentionally staying away from their families to avoid getting them sick. So I look at that and think, why does my husband not see it this way too? Why is protecting me from the virus not his first priority?

I am not entirely sure what to do. I suppose I’m not really asking who is right and who is wrong in this situation, because there are valid points on both sides. I guess I am just curious as to what others would do in this situation. At this point I feel like I would literally have to choose to get sick by going home to him, and give up whatever opportunity I had to avoid it. If I had already been with him when he started getting sick, that would be a different scenario, because the choice would have been made for me and I would have had to just suck it up. But its hard to pass up on an opportunity to avoid this virus that everyone is afraid of. Ugh, this is weighing on me so heavily and I feel anxious about either option. One potentially being bad for my marriage, and the other potentially being bad for my health. What should I do?

Submitted March 30, 2020 at 12:00AM

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and we are experiencing a bit of a relational dilemma in the midst of COVID-19. My husband is a healthcare worker, and I have health anxiety. A real fun combo in the midst of a pandemic. Anyway, this week, I’ve been with my parents at their cabin, because my husband thought it would be a good idea for me to spend a bit of time with them before I likely cannot see them for a while due to my higher risk of exposure to the virus (he had previously been off work for a couple of weeks so I was in the clear at the time). While I was away, my husband worked his shifts at the hospital. When I called him to come pick me up from my parent’s house yesterday, he told me he had a bit of a cough, so I had to decide whether or not I wanted to risk going home. My husband wanted me to come home, but I decided to stay with my parents so he could monitor his symptoms for another day. This morning he told me his cough is worse but he is feeling fine otherwise and now I don't know what to do.I’m nervous about getting the virus a) because I have health anxiety and always assume the worst and b) because I have asthma and think I could actually be at a bit of a higher risk. However, because I am young and otherwise healthy, my husband thinks I am exaggerating the risks. He is of the mind that if he gets sick, I will likely get sick too anyway and we might as well get through it together now we so have immunity later on. Before this weekend we had had a few contentious conversations about it in passing. He would get a bit annoyed when I would talk about some of the more extreme cases I had read about and would tell me to stop scaring myself, and I would get annoyed at him in return for not taking it seriously enough. He assures me he is taking it seriously, and that he has seen patients at the hospital with it and as such knows the risks, but he still thinks I am being overly cautious.Anyway, now that the time has actually come for me to make a choice between being with him and staying away to protect myself, we are both feeling rather upset. I’m upset because I feel like my husband is downplaying the risk and does not seem to be as interested as he should be in protecting me from the virus. He is upset because he thinks I am choosing fear for myself over care for him if he is in fact sick with the virus. He thinks our “in sickness and in health” marriage vows should come into play, and that the best decision here would be one of being in it together and taking care of each other. It’s difficult to argue with that, and I don’t think he is wrong here, but I think both of the sacrifices we are asking each other to make are valid. I’m asking him to sacrifice his desire to be with me in order to keep me safe, and he is asking me to possibly put my health at risk in order to be together. The only issue is how we perceive the risks; he thinks the risk to me is ultimately quite low, so to him it feels like I am being trivial if I choose to stay away. Even more so, he is extrapolating on it and questioning whether I would be able to weather storms with him together in the future or turn tail and run at the first sign of trouble (ouch).In some ways, I think his feelings make a lot of sense. I can see how it looks to him like I am thinking only of my own well-being. Also, this is not the first time my anxiety has affected our relationship. There is a history there, and it has been hard for him and he has put up with a lot. But on the other hand, anxiety is frickin difficult to deal with and requires a ton of sensitivity and understanding, and I feel like he is asking a lot of me without recognizing how great the sacrifice would actually be for me, for both my mental and physical health. It’s also hard for me to see how many other healthcare workers are intentionally staying away from their families to avoid getting them sick. So I look at that and think, why does my husband not see it this way too? Why is protecting me from the virus not his first priority?I am not entirely sure what to do. I suppose I’m not really asking who is right and who is wrong in this situation, because there are valid points on both sides. I guess I am just curious as to what others would do in this situation. At this point I feel like I would literally have to choose to get sick by going home to him, and give up whatever opportunity I had to avoid it. If I had already been with him when he started getting sick, that would be a different scenario, because the choice would have been made for me and I would have had to just suck it up. But its hard to pass up on an opportunity to avoid this virus that everyone is afraid of. Ugh, this is weighing on me so heavily and I feel anxious about either option. One potentially being bad for my marriage, and the other potentially being bad for my health. What should I do?