Me (25M) and my roommates/best friends (34M + 24X) have a messy relationship and some advice would be nice.

(Hopefully this won’t get long. Also, I’ll be using names of avatar characters for my roommates, only bc I don’t wanna throw their names out on the internet.)

Okay so this might get a little complicated. Here’s the short backstory for us living together:

About a year and a half ago I was at an all time low, extremely depressed and suicidal and living with my mom in a neighborhood of homophobic/transphobic family. My best friend (24X) from high school, I’m gonna call them 'Toph', suggested I move in with their boyfriend of a year 'Sokka' (34M).

'Sokka' was going through a divorce with his ex-wife and living alone for pretty much the first time. He’s the kind of guy that needs human contact all the time, so he was going crazy and was more than happy to let me stay with him however long I wanted.

We actually ended up getting along great. We liked similar shit, I was actually coming out of my room to hang out (I’m a borderline hermit), we talked about personal stuff and it was good. We even started a web design business together. (Still haven’t decided if it was a good or bad idea to do this with a roommate/friend.) After about 6 months, 'Toph' graduated from grad school and moved in, and things changed a good bit.

Things were fine at first, but after the summer 'Toph' started a full-time job that left them stressed and completely overwhelmed all the time. That, on top of 'Toph' and 'Sokka's' relationship squabbles and all of our financial issues are where things first started to crack and make the whole house tense all the time.

So listen, all three of us are emotionally constipated shitheads. We all have a LOT of problems and faults. None of this is about blame, as we are all three shitty in our own ways.

I won’t even try to bore you with the petty problems. Most of our big problems end up coming from bad communication and an unwillingness to change, which I want to fix.

We tried doing a weekly ‘family night’ where we sit down and talk out any issues with each other that we’ve been wanting to address lately, etc. It worked the first couple of times, but it got to the point where I felt like anything I said got wrapped back towards my own faults and like I was getting ganged up on (since they are a couple and defend each other more often than not) and it felt like nothing I had to say was being talked about usefully, so my comments fizzled out and eventually so did the family night talks.

One of the big things that usually initiate an argument or hurt feelings is joking – we are all sassy assholes. At some point, though, harmless jokes and ribbing started to feel targeted and like insults. We’ve all expressed this, and yet nothing has changed.

I feel like this mostly occurs between me and 'Sokka'. He is the kind of guy that is always analyzing/observing you like a therapist would, thinks everyone owes him their “story” while rarely ever giving his own away, and uses jokes to hide what he’s feeling/thinking while expecting you to know he’s joking.

I, on the other hand, grew up in a family that didn’t talk about shit. I keep to myself, I don’t feel like I owe anyone any part of me, I’m not good at social interaction at all and mostly prefer to be alone, and apparently I am not good at showing that I’m joking when I make jokes or telling when other people are joking. Which has led to a lot of hurt feelings that I don’t know about until much later.

There are a lot of things I want to discuss with them, but at this point I don't know how to do that effectively. We try to initiate new ways of doing things and routine, and as soon as one person stops so does everyone else.

Nowadays, it feels like we walk on eggshells with each other until someone inevitably makes a petty joke/comment that sets off a bad mood. I will say I’m probably the one usually getting upset over comments and turning it into a bigger thing, as I’m pretty bad at hiding if something makes me upset.

(On the flip side, I think most of mine and 'Toph's' issues just naturally come from two scorpios living together, plus some less serious stuff like chores and stuff that we can work out ourselves.)

Moving out right now is not possible, financially. It’s the goal eventually, but just not possible rn. So, any advice/insight on what I/we could do right now to make living together easier or at least make communication easier would be very appreciated.

This was probably a mess to read, and we probably just sound like ridiculous assholes, but thanks for listening anyway.

(P.S. Any advice on how to keep up with basic chores and get on a routine with executive disfunction and no concept of time because of my sleep schedule and hermit tendencies would be greatly appreciated! And no, I’m not going to be trying to ‘fix’ my sleep schedule – It’s a sleep condition that I’m not ashamed of nor want to change. I just want tips on how to work around it. My typical day is 11am – 4am.)

(also, there's probably no chance of it but just in case - please don't post this to the twitter for this reddit or anything.)

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TL;DR - me and my roommates have communication issues and an unwillingness to commit to change; advice greatly appreciated.

Submitted March 29, 2020 at 11:49PM

(Hopefully this won’t get long. Also, I’ll be using names of avatar characters for my roommates, only bc I don’t wanna throw their names out on the internet.)Okay so this might get a little complicated. Here’s the short backstory for us living together:About a year and a half ago I was at an all time low, extremely depressed and suicidal and living with my mom in a neighborhood of homophobic/transphobic family. My best friend (24X) from high school, I’m gonna call them 'Toph', suggested I move in with their boyfriend of a year 'Sokka' (34M).'Sokka' was going through a divorce with his ex-wife and living alone for pretty much the first time. He’s the kind of guy that needs human contact all the time, so he was going crazy and was more than happy to let me stay with him however long I wanted.We actually ended up getting along great. We liked similar shit, I was actually coming out of my room to hang out (I’m a borderline hermit), we talked about personal stuff and it was good. We even started a web design business together. (Still haven’t decided if it was a good or bad idea to do this with a roommate/friend.) After about 6 months, 'Toph' graduated from grad school and moved in, and things changed a good bit.Things were fine at first, but after the summer 'Toph' started a full-time job that left them stressed and completely overwhelmed all the time. That, on top of 'Toph' and 'Sokka's' relationship squabbles and all of our financial issues are where things first started to crack and make the whole house tense all the time.So listen, all three of us are emotionally constipated shitheads. We all have a LOT of problems and faults. None of this is about blame, as we are all three shitty in our own ways.I won’t even try to bore you with the petty problems. Most of our big problems end up coming from bad communication and an unwillingness to change, which I want to fix.We tried doing a weekly ‘family night’ where we sit down and talk out any issues with each other that we’ve been wanting to address lately, etc. It worked the first couple of times, but it got to the point where I felt like anything I said got wrapped back towards my own faults and like I was getting ganged up on (since they are a couple and defend each other more often than not) and it felt like nothing I had to say was being talked about usefully, so my comments fizzled out and eventually so did the family night talks.One of the big things that usually initiate an argument or hurt feelings is joking – we are all sassy assholes. At some point, though, harmless jokes and ribbing started to feel targeted and like insults. We’ve all expressed this, and yet nothing has changed.I feel like this mostly occurs between me and 'Sokka'. He is the kind of guy that is always analyzing/observing you like a therapist would, thinks everyone owes him their “story” while rarely ever giving his own away, and uses jokes to hide what he’s feeling/thinking while expecting you to know he’s joking.I, on the other hand, grew up in a family that didn’t talk about shit. I keep to myself, I don’t feel like I owe anyone any part of me, I’m not good at social interaction at all and mostly prefer to be alone, and apparently I am not good at showing that I’m joking when I make jokes or telling when other people are joking. Which has led to a lot of hurt feelings that I don’t know about until much later.There are a lot of things I want to discuss with them, but at this point I don't know how to do that effectively. We try to initiate new ways of doing things and routine, and as soon as one person stops so does everyone else.Nowadays, it feels like we walk on eggshells with each other until someone inevitably makes a petty joke/comment that sets off a bad mood. I will say I’m probably the one usually getting upset over comments and turning it into a bigger thing, as I’m pretty bad at hiding if something makes me upset.(On the flip side, I think most of mine and 'Toph's' issues just naturally come from two scorpios living together, plus some less serious stuff like chores and stuff that we can work out ourselves.)Moving out right now is not possible, financially. It’s the goal eventually, but just not possible rn. So, any advice/insight on what I/we could do right now to make living together easier or at least make communication easier would be very appreciated.This was probably a mess to read, and we probably just sound like ridiculous assholes, but thanks for listening anyway.(P.S. Any advice on how to keep up with basic chores and get on a routine with executive disfunction and no concept of time because of my sleep schedule and hermit tendencies would be greatly appreciated! And no, I’m not going to be trying to ‘fix’ my sleep schedule – It’s a sleep condition that I’m not ashamed of nor want to change. I just want tips on how to work around it. My typical day is 11am – 4am.)(also, there's probably no chance of it but just in case - please don't post this to the twitter for this reddit or anything.)​TL;DR - me and my roommates have communication issues and an unwillingness to commit to change; advice greatly appreciated.