Weird situation with a girl [33/F] overstepping some of my boundaries [32/M] - should I have handled this differently?

Yes, I know this is a long post about someone I chatted with online for a week. Apologies in advance, it was just a strange situation and I did start to feel a little attached.

Met a girl online recently - she lives very far away, but it's a city I go to semi-regularly for work. I'm going to be there in a couple weeks.

Sparks started to fly and we decided to hang out when I visit. She mentioned that while she didn't want to commit to having sex, she said she'd probably want to with me (which I totally understood, I wanted to make sure that attraction was there in person as well!)

It was a solid week of texting, messaging, phone calls, most of which I really enjoyed and she seemed to as well, but it all kind of went awry the other night.

She's a very chatty person, one of those types where every other sentence is joking or teasing of some sort - and I like a good sense of humor and that kind of personality but it was so much that I often couldn't tell when she was being serious or what her intentions exactly were.

So the other night she starts to ask if I'd move to her if things went well, adding that she was totally fine with moving to where I was and it wouldn't be fair for her to pursue something with someone who didn't feel the same.

Now this is after we'd "known" each other for a WEEK and hadn't even met in person. While I understand she was trying to see what I might be open to in the future, not right now, it was also VERY early to be bringing this stuff up, which she even acknowledged.

I've had some really bad luck in dating recently that's been caused by things moving very quickly. Not wanting either of us to get hurt, I try to tell her I'd rather talk about that AFTER we actually meet.

She seems to understand, but then she starts persisting and teasing me a lot about my reaction. I'm trying to actually figure out why she's asking and explain my position, but with her persistence and teasing, I start to get visibly frustrated on the webcam - not having a meltdown, more like facepalming and sighing a bit because I feel like she's not understanding why I'm a little uncomfortable.

I do tell her that I would be willing to for the right person, for someone I was sure about. However when we talk the next day, she told me she was put off by my physical reaction when all she was trying to do was talk to me. Needless to say I saw things a little differently.

She compared it to a situation that arose shortly after we started talking - there was clear sexual interest both ways, but at some point she wanted to make sure I wasn't 100 percent EXPECTING it to happen and she was telling me "save the innuendo for when we meet", even though she was dropping LOTS of it herself, more of it as time went on.

So then she says "how come you can talk about sex and hanging out with me a ton in a couple weeks but I can't even ask you about the future" - like she was accusing me of "not allowing" her to talk about certain things. I told her that I just misunderstood her intentions, which was true. Plus, she already asked me a lot of things I answered very openly, including topics I wasn't really thrilled to discuss (like politics, she made me feel a little judged for not being sufficiently outraged over something).

And of course the fact she was expressing plenty of sexual interest my way just made that all the more confusing. Like how in the world is talking about hooking up and hanging out in a couple of weeks the same as persistently teasing me simply because I wanted to wait until after we met to answer questions like whether I'd be willing to move in the future? I wouldn't want to say "yes" and then have things not work out - I told her as much and told her I was afraid of her getting hurt, but she said she wasn't concerned about that and told me I had "baggage" which I felt was pretty uncalled for.

I told her that I misunderstood her intentions, like she did with mine when we talked about sex early on, but she said she didn't think the situations were comparable as she was talking about things that were more off in the future and not immediate.

So she ends up saying that we're not vibing anymore, the whole thing is tainted, and while she likes me she no longer wants to pursue anything.

Even though she crossed a boundary, I was still willing to give her a chance, but apparently my reactions put her off to the point where she just wanted to pull the plug - she told me she felt like she was "walking on eggshells" with what she could and couldn't say, and that I was contradicting myself by reacting the way I did but also saying I was excited about things. I really don't get how she can't understand that I WAS excited, just not totally comfortable talking about stuff like moving for a partner so early on - especially with someone who explicitly said they were fine with hooking up and then seeing what happened after.

I guess I just feel bad because of how I reacted - like maybe it was either un-manly or hurt her feelings - I knew she wasn't asking me to up and move right this second, but it was more the WAY she was coming on, it was all just a bit much and I felt like she was putting pressure on me to talk about something I really wasn't ready to discuss. She said my reactions made her feel "rejected" and also said stuff like "just let me love you" in the sense that she thought I wasn't receiving affection properly. She even straight-up asked me "how are you showing me affection and that you like me?" I mean, we'd been talking a ton all week and it was pretty clear that I was into her...

Did I do anything unreasonable here? I liked this girl a lot and I'm surprised how one misunderstanding like this would just cause her to just pull the plug on this before it started. Even though she said I had nothing to apologize for, her comments about eggshells and rejection and me "contradicting myself" were really confusing, and my friend thinks I was being gaslit with her turning things around on me to a degree, even though she tried to be pleasant when she ended things. Part of me feels that she's just pushy and should know better at 33, but something's nagging at me about it. Maybe I'm just sad?

TLDR: Girl made me a little uncomfortable and then rejected me because she wasn't okay with me being uncomfortable.

Submitted November 25, 2019 at 12:03AM

Yes, I know this is a long post about someone I chatted with online for a week. Apologies in advance, it was just a strange situation and I did start to feel a little attached.Met a girl online recently - she lives very far away, but it's a city I go to semi-regularly for work. I'm going to be there in a couple weeks.Sparks started to fly and we decided to hang out when I visit. She mentioned that while she didn't want to commit to having sex, she said she'd probably want to with me (which I totally understood, I wanted to make sure that attraction was there in person as well!)It was a solid week of texting, messaging, phone calls, most of which I really enjoyed and she seemed to as well, but it all kind of went awry the other night.She's a very chatty person, one of those types where every other sentence is joking or teasing of some sort - and I like a good sense of humor and that kind of personality but it was so much that I often couldn't tell when she was being serious or what her intentions exactly were.So the other night she starts to ask if I'd move to her if things went well, adding that she was totally fine with moving to where I was and it wouldn't be fair for her to pursue something with someone who didn't feel the same.Now this is after we'd "known" each other for a WEEK and hadn't even met in person. While I understand she was trying to see what I might be open to in the future, not right now, it was also VERY early to be bringing this stuff up, which she even acknowledged.I've had some really bad luck in dating recently that's been caused by things moving very quickly. Not wanting either of us to get hurt, I try to tell her I'd rather talk about that AFTER we actually meet.She seems to understand, but then she starts persisting and teasing me a lot about my reaction. I'm trying to actually figure out why she's asking and explain my position, but with her persistence and teasing, I start to get visibly frustrated on the webcam - not having a meltdown, more like facepalming and sighing a bit because I feel like she's not understanding why I'm a little uncomfortable.I do tell her that I would be willing to for the right person, for someone I was sure about. However when we talk the next day, she told me she was put off by my physical reaction when all she was trying to do was talk to me. Needless to say I saw things a little differently.She compared it to a situation that arose shortly after we started talking - there was clear sexual interest both ways, but at some point she wanted to make sure I wasn't 100 percent EXPECTING it to happen and she was telling me "save the innuendo for when we meet", even though she was dropping LOTS of it herself, more of it as time went on.So then she says "how come you can talk about sex and hanging out with me a ton in a couple weeks but I can't even ask you about the future" - like she was accusing me of "not allowing" her to talk about certain things. I told her that I just misunderstood her intentions, which was true. Plus, she already asked me a lot of things I answered very openly, including topics I wasn't really thrilled to discuss (like politics, she made me feel a little judged for not being sufficiently outraged over something).And of course the fact she was expressing plenty of sexual interest my way just made that all the more confusing. Like how in the world is talking about hooking up and hanging out in a couple of weeks the same as persistently teasing me simply because I wanted to wait until after we met to answer questions like whether I'd be willing to move in the future? I wouldn't want to say "yes" and then have things not work out - I told her as much and told her I was afraid of her getting hurt, but she said she wasn't concerned about that and told me I had "baggage" which I felt was pretty uncalled for.I told her that I misunderstood her intentions, like she did with mine when we talked about sex early on, but she said she didn't think the situations were comparable as she was talking about things that were more off in the future and not immediate.So she ends up saying that we're not vibing anymore, the whole thing is tainted, and while she likes me she no longer wants to pursue anything.Even though she crossed a boundary, I was still willing to give her a chance, but apparently my reactions put her off to the point where she just wanted to pull the plug - she told me she felt like she was "walking on eggshells" with what she could and couldn't say, and that I was contradicting myself by reacting the way I did but also saying I was excited about things. I really don't get how she can't understand that I WAS excited, just not totally comfortable talking about stuff like moving for a partner so early on - especially with someone who explicitly said they were fine with hooking up and then seeing what happened after.I guess I just feel bad because of how I reacted - like maybe it was either un-manly or hurt her feelings - I knew she wasn't asking me to up and move right this second, but it was more the WAY she was coming on, it was all just a bit much and I felt like she was putting pressure on me to talk about something I really wasn't ready to discuss. She said my reactions made her feel "rejected" and also said stuff like "just let me love you" in the sense that she thought I wasn't receiving affection properly. She even straight-up asked me "how are you showing me affection and that you like me?" I mean, we'd been talking a ton all week and it was pretty clear that I was into her...Did I do anything unreasonable here? I liked this girl a lot and I'm surprised how one misunderstanding like this would just cause her to just pull the plug on this before it started. Even though she said I had nothing to apologize for, her comments about eggshells and rejection and me "contradicting myself" were really confusing, and my friend thinks I was being gaslit with her turning things around on me to a degree, even though she tried to be pleasant when she ended things. Part of me feels that she's just pushy and should know better at 33, but something's nagging at me about it. Maybe I'm just sad?TLDR: Girl made me a little uncomfortable and then rejected me because she wasn't okay with me being uncomfortable.