My (27f) complicated and at times abusive relationship with father (58m). Is it possible to get closure without cutting contact?

I always had a complicated relationship with my dad when I was growing up. His behaviour was pretty volatile and unpredictable - he would be in a good mood one minute and then would switch, often without warning or apparent reason, v Jekyll and Hyde. His bad moods were characterised by the same patterns of behaviour: nasty, sarcastic and belittling comments, sometimes days of silent treatment, control/withholding of food or money, angry and often scary outbursts, very occasional violence (e.g. he hit me once in the face, would occasionally throw things at me like books or chairs, but would more often threaten violence and go as if to throw something to scare me, for example). He would switch back almost as unpredictably and then would make jokes about his behaviour (but never apologise) and we would all laugh along out of relief that he was being ‘normal’ again (my mum and my sister included, who both experienced the same things).

As an adult I have been in at least one abusive relationship. The worst lasted 2 years (my ex was relentlessly manipulative and emotionally abusive, isolated me from all my friends, made me doubt everything about myself etc, and on one occasion locked me in a car, took my phone, hit me repeatedly and and threatened to leave me by the side of the road over twenty times). I’m very aware that behavioural patterns I’ve learned from coping with unstable emotional situation at home growing up have moulded me and in particular how I interact in relationships now.

Although I’ve managed to detach a lot since left home 9 years ago, I’m still close with my family and like to see them as much possible. On a day-to-day basis I get on fine with my dad and he is much easier to be around than when I was growing up. In the last year though he has told me that I’m not welcome in his house twice for different reasons (e.g. he doesn’t like who I’m dating, doesn’t agree with my political views) and threatens conflict in these situations, which I find distressing and quite stressful.

Most recently, when he found out that I’m planning on voting labour in the UK election next month, he was particularly nasty and said that he had lost all respect for me and that our relationship won’t be the same again. It’s emotionally draining to continually have to engage with him like this, and I can acknowledge that in the long term it would be undoubtedly beneficial to reduce contact/interaction with him. I also feel overwhelmingly guilty for writing this down, which is partly out of sympathy for him. I know it would kill him to know I felt like this, and although I can recognise that the emotional abuse has had a marked negative impact on my life, I don’t want to hurt him and don’t think he’s fundamentally a bad person. Do you think there’s any way I can get closure and stop letting him get to me without cutting contact completely?

TL;DR: complicated/emotionally abusive relationship with father but not ready for no contact

Submitted November 24, 2019 at 11:40PM

I always had a complicated relationship with my dad when I was growing up. His behaviour was pretty volatile and unpredictable - he would be in a good mood one minute and then would switch, often without warning or apparent reason, v Jekyll and Hyde. His bad moods were characterised by the same patterns of behaviour: nasty, sarcastic and belittling comments, sometimes days of silent treatment, control/withholding of food or money, angry and often scary outbursts, very occasional violence (e.g. he hit me once in the face, would occasionally throw things at me like books or chairs, but would more often threaten violence and go as if to throw something to scare me, for example). He would switch back almost as unpredictably and then would make jokes about his behaviour (but never apologise) and we would all laugh along out of relief that he was being ‘normal’ again (my mum and my sister included, who both experienced the same things).As an adult I have been in at least one abusive relationship. The worst lasted 2 years (my ex was relentlessly manipulative and emotionally abusive, isolated me from all my friends, made me doubt everything about myself etc, and on one occasion locked me in a car, took my phone, hit me repeatedly and and threatened to leave me by the side of the road over twenty times). I’m very aware that behavioural patterns I’ve learned from coping with unstable emotional situation at home growing up have moulded me and in particular how I interact in relationships now.Although I’ve managed to detach a lot since left home 9 years ago, I’m still close with my family and like to see them as much possible. On a day-to-day basis I get on fine with my dad and he is much easier to be around than when I was growing up. In the last year though he has told me that I’m not welcome in his house twice for different reasons (e.g. he doesn’t like who I’m dating, doesn’t agree with my political views) and threatens conflict in these situations, which I find distressing and quite stressful.Most recently, when he found out that I’m planning on voting labour in the UK election next month, he was particularly nasty and said that he had lost all respect for me and that our relationship won’t be the same again. It’s emotionally draining to continually have to engage with him like this, and I can acknowledge that in the long term it would be undoubtedly beneficial to reduce contact/interaction with him. I also feel overwhelmingly guilty for writing this down, which is partly out of sympathy for him. I know it would kill him to know I felt like this, and although I can recognise that the emotional abuse has had a marked negative impact on my life, I don’t want to hurt him and don’t think he’s fundamentally a bad person. Do you think there’s any way I can get closure and stop letting him get to me without cutting contact completely?TL;DR: complicated/emotionally abusive relationship with father but not ready for no contact