My (27F) dad (55M) is a drug addict, and I'm returning home for my grandmother (his mother's) funeral this weekend. How to deal?

So I know that I cannot do anything to help my dad's drug addiction. He is not the first addict in my family. My younger brother (25M) has a heroin addiction. My therapist really helped me realize I have no control over him despite family members telling me I could help him. I spent a year or two not seeing my brother or seeing him very occasionally. He's now 2 years sober and quite a success story. I'm really proud of him.

It's a different dynamic when it's a parent and I'm struggling with how to deal. I have contacted my old therapist to set up sessions again but am about to go into the hornets nest when I fly home and would love any advice or support from anyone in a similar situation.

When it was my brother, I felt he could get better. He was so young, he had so much to live for. The boundaries felt like "tough love" so it felt "productive" I guess? And there was my mom to oversee the situation with him when it got really bad. In and out of rehab etc. She really helped him and was there the whole time (which bordered on enabling at times, but different topic). But with my dad, I don't think he will get better. I don't have hope. That hopelessness just creates such a void when I think about him and how much I love him. It sucks.

My grandmother (my dad's mother) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer this spring. I live across the country, but went home several times for a few weeks to spend time with her. It was really sad and she was in a lot of pain. She passed away last week, and I am thankful she is no longer suffering.

My dad has really gone off the deep end in the last few months, and especially this last week since she passed. He is high (on meth) all the time. Previously it was just some days were bad but now he is literally tweaking all the time. My mom said he hasn't come home in 5 days. The pastor came to do my grandma's last rights at the hospice house when they were all there with her and he went on some rampage about how "Jesus isn't his real name". He scares people. He scares my friends. He got fired from his job and when they fired them, the police were there in case he did something because he is unstable. I think there is mental illness mixed in with the drugs but the drug abuse has become so bad, I don't know what to think.

For context, my parents are still together, and all my family still lives in said hometown. My younger sister (19F) still lives at my parents house which is concerning. My mom is a stable parent who does not use any drugs or alcohol. I have no idea how she lives in this situation.

I am scared to see him because I hate being around him when he is high. I am mad at him. I want to cope with my grandma's loss and support each other as a family without dealing with his bullshit. I am mad he is so selfish to make this week about him. And now his sister (my aunt) who was my grandmother's caretaker for the last 6 months and has been living through hell with her decline has to worry about him causing a scene at the ceremony. Like he has been for the past few months with his psycho paranoia (Even in front of my grandma). That isn't fair. It is wrong and it is sad and gross and it makes me sick to my stomach. How do I deal when I see him? Should I tell him how I feel? Do I wait until after the ceremony?

Is it even worth telling him how I'm feeling? Is him hearing how disappointed I am in him going to tell him I care or just make him feel more judged?

I will add a small note that before this got really bad, my dad was a wonderful man and I was not scared of him (i'm not really "scared" of him now I just don't like being around him). I was always very close with him. He's not violent and has never done anything violent in my childhood or now, to anyone. He is very funny and good-hearted and my husband, friends and family love who he was. We all care for him and are concerned for him and I genuinely worry he will do something to himself if I approach my "this is how you've made me feel" speech the wrong way. I don't know if I should even say anything.

Like should we have him "committed" or something (mental health wise - not rehab)? Is that even a thing for an adult? Is it at that stage based on what I've descried in this post?

My mom is basically not dealing with it, asked me to "give him a call to check in" but my cousin just filled me in to how it really is. (she is a former addict herself and is also 2 years sober).

this is just too much for me. This is a very sad post and I thank you for taking the time to read <3

TL;DR - my dad is a drug addict (crystal meth) and I don't know how to deal when I see him for my grandma's funeral this weekend

Submitted November 04, 2019 at 11:35PM

So I know that I cannot do anything to help my dad's drug addiction. He is not the first addict in my family. My younger brother (25M) has a heroin addiction. My therapist really helped me realize I have no control over him despite family members telling me I could help him. I spent a year or two not seeing my brother or seeing him very occasionally. He's now 2 years sober and quite a success story. I'm really proud of him.It's a different dynamic when it's a parent and I'm struggling with how to deal. I have contacted my old therapist to set up sessions again but am about to go into the hornets nest when I fly home and would love any advice or support from anyone in a similar situation.When it was my brother, I felt he could get better. He was so young, he had so much to live for. The boundaries felt like "tough love" so it felt "productive" I guess? And there was my mom to oversee the situation with him when it got really bad. In and out of rehab etc. She really helped him and was there the whole time (which bordered on enabling at times, but different topic). But with my dad, I don't think he will get better. I don't have hope. That hopelessness just creates such a void when I think about him and how much I love him. It sucks.My grandmother (my dad's mother) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer this spring. I live across the country, but went home several times for a few weeks to spend time with her. It was really sad and she was in a lot of pain. She passed away last week, and I am thankful she is no longer suffering.My dad has really gone off the deep end in the last few months, and especially this last week since she passed. He is high (on meth) all the time. Previously it was just some days were bad but now he is literally tweaking all the time. My mom said he hasn't come home in 5 days. The pastor came to do my grandma's last rights at the hospice house when they were all there with her and he went on some rampage about how "Jesus isn't his real name". He scares people. He scares my friends. He got fired from his job and when they fired them, the police were there in case he did something because he is unstable. I think there is mental illness mixed in with the drugs but the drug abuse has become so bad, I don't know what to think.For context, my parents are still together, and all my family still lives in said hometown. My younger sister (19F) still lives at my parents house which is concerning. My mom is a stable parent who does not use any drugs or alcohol. I have no idea how she lives in this situation.I am scared to see him because I hate being around him when he is high. I am mad at him. I want to cope with my grandma's loss and support each other as a family without dealing with his bullshit. I am mad he is so selfish to make this week about him. And now his sister (my aunt) who was my grandmother's caretaker for the last 6 months and has been living through hell with her decline has to worry about him causing a scene at the ceremony. Like he has been for the past few months with his psycho paranoia (Even in front of my grandma). That isn't fair. It is wrong and it is sad and gross and it makes me sick to my stomach. How do I deal when I see him? Should I tell him how I feel? Do I wait until after the ceremony?Is it even worth telling him how I'm feeling? Is him hearing how disappointed I am in him going to tell him I care or just make him feel more judged?I will add a small note that before this got really bad, my dad was a wonderful man and I was not scared of him (i'm not really "scared" of him now I just don't like being around him). I was always very close with him. He's not violent and has never done anything violent in my childhood or now, to anyone. He is very funny and good-hearted and my husband, friends and family love who he was. We all care for him and are concerned for him and I genuinely worry he will do something to himself if I approach my "this is how you've made me feel" speech the wrong way. I don't know if I should even say anything.Like should we have him "committed" or something (mental health wise - not rehab)? Is that even a thing for an adult? Is it at that stage based on what I've descried in this post?My mom is basically not dealing with it, asked me to "give him a call to check in" but my cousin just filled me in to how it really is. (she is a former addict herself and is also 2 years sober).this is just too much for me. This is a very sad post and I thank you for taking the time to read <3TL;DR - my dad is a drug addict (crystal meth) and I don't know how to deal when I see him for my grandma's funeral this weekend