I (27F) struggle to get my boyfriend (27M) to communicate without getting very defensive.

Me and my other half have broke up a couple of times for various reasons but the main one that always seems to come back is communication. I struggled a lot with talking openly in my past relationships, it's now something I really strive to do after having a very hard time with my depression. I'm always apprehensive about talking to him about when he's doing or has done something to annoy me. This is mainly because he gets very defensive very quickly and then tries to walk away from the conversation. It usually turns into him not really apologising for doing something but turning it into "I'm sorry you feel that way", to which I end up crying for frustration. If I ever do something that annoyed him I always apologise but he seems to struggle with admitting doing something wrong. I'm constantly worried that I'm just over reacting to thing's due to my anxiety, so I always want to think things through to see if it actually annoyed me or if I'm just in a strange mood that day. This I understand makes things difficult for him as well because he never knows what to do or say when I am feeling low or agitated some days. It has came up before that he feels lost in how to help me when I am like that, but his usual is to try and make me laugh which can sometimes annoy me even more. The other big part of it all is that he constantly wants to be with his friends. Don't get me wrong I like going out for drinks or whatever but it's always to go to his friends house while they play the ps4 or sit about and talk about stuff I have no clue about. I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't always end up feeling second best. I've brought this up to him a fair few times but it ends up back at the same point after it being really good with us for a month or so. I really love him and I get along with his family so well and him with mine. I'm just very unsure on what to do to make this work better, to me it seems like a simple thing to be able to talk calmly and openly but it doesn't seem to work that way 9 times out of 10. Sorry for the big rant! Any advice here would be very much appreciated.

TL;DR: I (27F) have no idea how to get my boyfriend (27M) to communicate without being very defensive.



Submitted November 04, 2019 at 11:56PM

Me and my other half have broke up a couple of times for various reasons but the main one that always seems to come back is communication. I struggled a lot with talking openly in my past relationships, it's now something I really strive to do after having a very hard time with my depression. I'm always apprehensive about talking to him about when he's doing or has done something to annoy me. This is mainly because he gets very defensive very quickly and then tries to walk away from the conversation. It usually turns into him not really apologising for doing something but turning it into "I'm sorry you feel that way", to which I end up crying for frustration. If I ever do something that annoyed him I always apologise but he seems to struggle with admitting doing something wrong. I'm constantly worried that I'm just over reacting to thing's due to my anxiety, so I always want to think things through to see if it actually annoyed me or if I'm just in a strange mood that day. This I understand makes things difficult for him as well because he never knows what to do or say when I am feeling low or agitated some days. It has came up before that he feels lost in how to help me when I am like that, but his usual is to try and make me laugh which can sometimes annoy me even more. The other big part of it all is that he constantly wants to be with his friends. Don't get me wrong I like going out for drinks or whatever but it's always to go to his friends house while they play the ps4 or sit about and talk about stuff I have no clue about. I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't always end up feeling second best. I've brought this up to him a fair few times but it ends up back at the same point after it being really good with us for a month or so. I really love him and I get along with his family so well and him with mine. I'm just very unsure on what to do to make this work better, to me it seems like a simple thing to be able to talk calmly and openly but it doesn't seem to work that way 9 times out of 10. Sorry for the big rant! Any advice here would be very much appreciated.TL;DR: I (27F) have no idea how to get my boyfriend (27M) to communicate without being very defensive.
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