I'm [29M] having a hard time setting emotional boundaries with my [28F] girlfriend

We've been together for about 2 years and there's been the somewhat consistent issue of the inability for me to ask for what I need or properly set emotional boundaries. I'm trying to dig really deep and figure out if this might be due to some action of my partner or I just haven't got the strength myself and have to just really push through and do it.

My partner claims that I never share what I'm thinking or what's bothering me. My memory is that I do, but I tend to share the small things as a test to convince myself that the big stuff will go okay. Generally the small stuff goes a bit poorly. I find myself not taken seriously, or being told I'm asking too much or that it's my responsibility to deal with. When I set a boundary, it's frequently walked over in a somewhat... plausibly deniable way. For instance, I'll set a boundary to not talk about something, and then I'll be told that not talking about this is making them anxious. "I know you don't want to talk about it, I'm just having a hard time dealing with that." "I'm not saying I want to talk about it, I'm just sharing my feelings." This line of reasoning. Maybe nothing will be said at all and I'll just notice some serious anger on their face, and the rest of the night will be difficult. Ultimately, I wind up feeling worn down and like it's best to just not bring anything up.

This is ultimately just my perspective. I have such a fuzzy memory of what I have and haven't brought up, and feel pretty guilty for the things I haven't. I've brought this topic up with her and the resolution is generally "I'll try to be easier to talk to, but also you have to stick up for yourself." Which, yeah. She's right. I just wonder why advocating for myself is so hard. Maybe I haven't brought much of anything up at all and am just stewing in my own anguish. I can't expect my partner to be a mind reader.

How do I begin to reconnect with what I have and haven't done so I can make good next steps in this relationship?

tl;dr : I can't figure out if I've asked for what I want or haven't, but either way advocating for myself feels harder than it should be, and I want to know why.



Submitted November 04, 2019 at 11:29PM

We've been together for about 2 years and there's been the somewhat consistent issue of the inability for me to ask for what I need or properly set emotional boundaries. I'm trying to dig really deep and figure out if this might be due to some action of my partner or I just haven't got the strength myself and have to just really push through and do it.My partner claims that I never share what I'm thinking or what's bothering me. My memory is that I do, but I tend to share the small things as a test to convince myself that the big stuff will go okay. Generally the small stuff goes a bit poorly. I find myself not taken seriously, or being told I'm asking too much or that it's my responsibility to deal with. When I set a boundary, it's frequently walked over in a somewhat... plausibly deniable way. For instance, I'll set a boundary to not talk about something, and then I'll be told that not talking about this is making them anxious. "I know you don't want to talk about it, I'm just having a hard time dealing with that." "I'm not saying I want to talk about it, I'm just sharing my feelings." This line of reasoning. Maybe nothing will be said at all and I'll just notice some serious anger on their face, and the rest of the night will be difficult. Ultimately, I wind up feeling worn down and like it's best to just not bring anything up.This is ultimately just my perspective. I have such a fuzzy memory of what I have and haven't brought up, and feel pretty guilty for the things I haven't. I've brought this topic up with her and the resolution is generally "I'll try to be easier to talk to, but also you have to stick up for yourself." Which, yeah. She's right. I just wonder why advocating for myself is so hard. Maybe I haven't brought much of anything up at all and am just stewing in my own anguish. I can't expect my partner to be a mind reader.How do I begin to reconnect with what I have and haven't done so I can make good next steps in this relationship?tl;dr : I can't figure out if I've asked for what I want or haven't, but either way advocating for myself feels harder than it should be, and I want to know why.
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