I [20F] feel like my boyfriend [21M] of almost 6 months is dismissive of any help I try to give him.

I am the type of person to want to try and fix a problem as much as I can. In this case I am wanting to help my boyfriend overcome his struggles as much as possible, but every time I make a suggestion, I just feel like he’s dismissive of any ideas I have that could possibly help him. I understand that sometimes people don’t want help and just want to vent, but after a certain amount of time they need solutions. Here are some examples:

My bf is hating his time at work and is always miserable and stressed. I have been listening to him complain about how much his work sucks since the beginning of September. I understand that his work is frustrating, but since the end of September, I’ve been trying to give him advice and trying to help as much as I can. I listen to him, but I try to give him suggestions. I advised that he look for another job and he’s like “yes, but they don’t want me”. I advise that he should be more positive for his own sake and he says “yes, but being negative is motivating me to find a new job.”

He overslept and we were almost late to a very important appointment. I was calm and said that he needs to go to bed early and he says “yes, but when I go to bed early, I wake up at 1am and I stay up until 6am”. I suggested maybe sleep medication and he says “yes, but they work too well for me. I ended up sleeping for an entire day when I was on them”. I suggested maybe something less powerful like melatonin and my answer was “yes, but I got used to it so now it doesn’t work”. I suggested exercising might help with his sleeping and he says “yes, but I get more energized from exercise.”

He lives at home and his mother is constantly annoying him and says that he doesn’t contribute enough to the household. I said that maybe he should maybe try that to see if that helps and his answer is “yes but I already do a lot around the house and she doesn’t do anything”. I asked if he tried talking to her. His answer was “yes but she always denies, changes subject, and makes me the bad guy”. I suggest moving out and he say “yes but I don’t have enough money.” I say he should save money and he says “yes but after car payments, gas, and insurance, I don’t have anything left over”.

I know that he drinks a lot at this kava bar in town and I suggest that he drinks less kava to be able to save up some money. He says “yes but kava is good for my mental health and all my friends are at the bar”. I ask if he’s tried other things for his mental health. “Yes but they don’t work”. I ask if he can see some of these people outside of the bar. “Yes but it’s not the same as being in the bar with them.”

This just keeps going and going. The minute I hear “yes but...” I get so frustrated because I know that whatever idea I came up with is going to be fought against. I don’t understand why he is doing this and it’s really stressful because I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to help someone who doesn’t want to take the initiative to fix things on his own, but rather wait for the problem to just solve itself. If I am being inconsiderate, please let me know. I really want things to be better for him. I am not going to break up with him over this, but at the same time I’m being drained and I find it harder to want to spend time with him.

My question is why do you think my boyfriend is dismissive of the suggestions I give him and what can I do to help him fix his problems? What more can I do to help him in a way he’ll accept?

TL;DR my boyfriend complains a lot about his situation in life and whenever I try to help, I get dismissed with a “yes but...”. Why is he doing this and what more can I do to help him if my ideas aren’t enough?

Submitted November 03, 2019 at 11:37PM

I am the type of person to want to try and fix a problem as much as I can. In this case I am wanting to help my boyfriend overcome his struggles as much as possible, but every time I make a suggestion, I just feel like he’s dismissive of any ideas I have that could possibly help him. I understand that sometimes people don’t want help and just want to vent, but after a certain amount of time they need solutions. Here are some examples:My bf is hating his time at work and is always miserable and stressed. I have been listening to him complain about how much his work sucks since the beginning of September. I understand that his work is frustrating, but since the end of September, I’ve been trying to give him advice and trying to help as much as I can. I listen to him, but I try to give him suggestions. I advised that he look for another job and he’s like “yes, but they don’t want me”. I advise that he should be more positive for his own sake and he says “yes, but being negative is motivating me to find a new job.”He overslept and we were almost late to a very important appointment. I was calm and said that he needs to go to bed early and he says “yes, but when I go to bed early, I wake up at 1am and I stay up until 6am”. I suggested maybe sleep medication and he says “yes, but they work too well for me. I ended up sleeping for an entire day when I was on them”. I suggested maybe something less powerful like melatonin and my answer was “yes, but I got used to it so now it doesn’t work”. I suggested exercising might help with his sleeping and he says “yes, but I get more energized from exercise.”He lives at home and his mother is constantly annoying him and says that he doesn’t contribute enough to the household. I said that maybe he should maybe try that to see if that helps and his answer is “yes but I already do a lot around the house and she doesn’t do anything”. I asked if he tried talking to her. His answer was “yes but she always denies, changes subject, and makes me the bad guy”. I suggest moving out and he say “yes but I don’t have enough money.” I say he should save money and he says “yes but after car payments, gas, and insurance, I don’t have anything left over”.I know that he drinks a lot at this kava bar in town and I suggest that he drinks less kava to be able to save up some money. He says “yes but kava is good for my mental health and all my friends are at the bar”. I ask if he’s tried other things for his mental health. “Yes but they don’t work”. I ask if he can see some of these people outside of the bar. “Yes but it’s not the same as being in the bar with them.”This just keeps going and going. The minute I hear “yes but...” I get so frustrated because I know that whatever idea I came up with is going to be fought against. I don’t understand why he is doing this and it’s really stressful because I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to help someone who doesn’t want to take the initiative to fix things on his own, but rather wait for the problem to just solve itself. If I am being inconsiderate, please let me know. I really want things to be better for him. I am not going to break up with him over this, but at the same time I’m being drained and I find it harder to want to spend time with him.My question is why do you think my boyfriend is dismissive of the suggestions I give him and what can I do to help him fix his problems? What more can I do to help him in a way he’ll accept?TL;DR my boyfriend complains a lot about his situation in life and whenever I try to help, I get dismissed with a “yes but...”. Why is he doing this and what more can I do to help him if my ideas aren’t enough?