Any advice for me[f/26] dating a person[m/27] with chronic illness?

I'm not going to get too specific about the illness, as he Reddits. Basically he has a body which is quickly betraying him, he is often physically weak and deals with digestive issues, and he has a shorter than normal lifespan. Pain isn't a big issue yet, but it likely it will be. He has many medical appointments. We met through friends, went on four dates over two weeks, and then I put things on pause when I learned of the illness and had a vague sense of how it would affect us as a couple and my future. Our mutual friends sing his praises - he really is a fantastic guy.

I wanted to be sure (though you can never really be sure) that this was something I am mentally healthy enough to take on and that I can support someone sufficiently without seeing them as their illness. He's in a support group, has a therapist, and has great friends, so I'm not walking into a situation where I'd be his only support. It's been two weeks since the pause, we've continued talking, and I want to continue dating him.

He's been upfront that he wishes he hadn't told me so soon, but also that he probably shouldn't have gone out with me in the first place. He's not sure if he can be a great boyfriend in the long run (deterioration is expected), but he also feels like we're quite the match and it would be silly not to try. He's particularly worried about taking too much time away from my PhD (part-time)... But honestly all relationships take time, and he has said he's not looking for someone to help manage his illness but a partner to enjoy life with. Albeit, it's still early days and this may change as his health declines.

I work in mental health so I'm not unfamiliar with spoon theory, depression and PTSD related to health/hospital, and how much a person can change during illness - but I've never had to apply any of it to my personal life (other than the usual ways psychology helps having better relationships). I'm somewhat aware for how hard this will be and I'm aware that I will likely be a caregiver at a young age if we continue to date seriously.

I can't imagine giving up the chance to be with him. We have so much in common in hobbies and values, and I've really met my intellectual match. I can't begin to say how amazing our first 4 dates were and I've never met anyone like him. He's kind, intelligent, giving, great job, funny, and great friend group. He can't have kids, but I don't want kids. I've also never had big dreams for a traditional family, so I'm not giving up a life by being with him. What will be hard, as his illness progresses, is the lack of physical ability. I'm a big outdoorsy person and hiker. Right now it's not an issue and we have lots of intellectual pursuits in common too.

I don't know exactly what kind of advice I'm looking for, but I've never dated anyone who I have to have particular consideration to as a far as this level of emotional support (ie. he does have to think about dying before 40 as it's very probable for him), spontaneous lack of ability (ie. good days/hours and bad days/hours), and even for sex. Due to his illness it's rare for him to get a full erection (but he can orgasm and is great at providing pleasure in other ways). I don't want to call particular attention to his illness if I can, but I also want to respect his capabilities. His body is also becoming less and less attractive. Right now he has a skinny dad bod, but he is expected to lose weight and muscle over the years. I'm a little worried about this - all my previous partners have been pretty fit and I've never seen a partner through physical changes of any kind, other than a broken leg or the flu.

How can I ask questions about his health without prying too much considering its a new relationship? At the same time, there's a lot I don't know and need to know if we're going to be serious. What am I missing? What should I be thinking of? What kind of stuff should we do to have a healthy emotional relationship, so it doesn't become too lopsided/dependent or about the illness? I plan on seeing my university counselor (I'm getting my PhD) and maybe getting a referral to a private therapist to talk through things re. dating someone with a short lifespan and to gain some perspective and coping skills.

Any advice on dating someone with chronic illness, an early expected death, and keeping it all emotionally healthy and fun as much as possible is appreciated. (I know things won't always be fun, but I mean in the sense of not seeing him as his illness, and keeping hope and a sense of humour, finding quality time when his body is betraying him.)

TL;DR: Met a fantastic guy through friends, he has a chronic illness and will likely die before 40. I want to date him. Any advice appreciated.

Submitted November 04, 2019 at 12:00AM

I'm not going to get too specific about the illness, as he Reddits. Basically he has a body which is quickly betraying him, he is often physically weak and deals with digestive issues, and he has a shorter than normal lifespan. Pain isn't a big issue yet, but it likely it will be. He has many medical appointments. We met through friends, went on four dates over two weeks, and then I put things on pause when I learned of the illness and had a vague sense of how it would affect us as a couple and my future. Our mutual friends sing his praises - he really is a fantastic guy.I wanted to be sure (though you can never really be sure) that this was something I am mentally healthy enough to take on and that I can support someone sufficiently without seeing them as their illness. He's in a support group, has a therapist, and has great friends, so I'm not walking into a situation where I'd be his only support. It's been two weeks since the pause, we've continued talking, and I want to continue dating him.He's been upfront that he wishes he hadn't told me so soon, but also that he probably shouldn't have gone out with me in the first place. He's not sure if he can be a great boyfriend in the long run (deterioration is expected), but he also feels like we're quite the match and it would be silly not to try. He's particularly worried about taking too much time away from my PhD (part-time)... But honestly all relationships take time, and he has said he's not looking for someone to help manage his illness but a partner to enjoy life with. Albeit, it's still early days and this may change as his health declines.I work in mental health so I'm not unfamiliar with spoon theory, depression and PTSD related to health/hospital, and how much a person can change during illness - but I've never had to apply any of it to my personal life (other than the usual ways psychology helps having better relationships). I'm somewhat aware for how hard this will be and I'm aware that I will likely be a caregiver at a young age if we continue to date seriously.I can't imagine giving up the chance to be with him. We have so much in common in hobbies and values, and I've really met my intellectual match. I can't begin to say how amazing our first 4 dates were and I've never met anyone like him. He's kind, intelligent, giving, great job, funny, and great friend group. He can't have kids, but I don't want kids. I've also never had big dreams for a traditional family, so I'm not giving up a life by being with him. What will be hard, as his illness progresses, is the lack of physical ability. I'm a big outdoorsy person and hiker. Right now it's not an issue and we have lots of intellectual pursuits in common too.I don't know exactly what kind of advice I'm looking for, but I've never dated anyone who I have to have particular consideration to as a far as this level of emotional support (ie. he does have to think about dying before 40 as it's very probable for him), spontaneous lack of ability (ie. good days/hours and bad days/hours), and even for sex. Due to his illness it's rare for him to get a full erection (but he can orgasm and is great at providing pleasure in other ways). I don't want to call particular attention to his illness if I can, but I also want to respect his capabilities. His body is also becoming less and less attractive. Right now he has a skinny dad bod, but he is expected to lose weight and muscle over the years. I'm a little worried about this - all my previous partners have been pretty fit and I've never seen a partner through physical changes of any kind, other than a broken leg or the flu.How can I ask questions about his health without prying too much considering its a new relationship? At the same time, there's a lot I don't know and need to know if we're going to be serious. What am I missing? What should I be thinking of? What kind of stuff should we do to have a healthy emotional relationship, so it doesn't become too lopsided/dependent or about the illness? I plan on seeing my university counselor (I'm getting my PhD) and maybe getting a referral to a private therapist to talk through things re. dating someone with a short lifespan and to gain some perspective and coping skills.Any advice on dating someone with chronic illness, an early expected death, and keeping it all emotionally healthy and fun as much as possible is appreciated. (I know things won't always be fun, but I mean in the sense of not seeing him as his illness, and keeping hope and a sense of humour, finding quality time when his body is betraying him.)TL;DR: Met a fantastic guy through friends, he has a chronic illness and will likely die before 40. I want to date him. Any advice appreciated.