Looking for advice/out side perspective on my relationship.

I will give a little background as it may or may not be relevant. Me (29F) and my partner (23M) have been together for over 3 years now. At the beginning, I was terrible, I was controlling, manipulative and allowing my mental health to dictate and rule both me and him. My anxiety was centred towards other women, the idea that he was going to cheat on me, hurt me and abandon me etc etc. I really did hurt him a lot with my behaviours and I’m incredibly ashamed of it and have worked hard to change it. I can admit I put him through hell and have no idea why or how he stuck by me throughout all I put him through. Overtime I got better, significantly, I don’t have any of my controlling behaviours anymore, I ensure I’m careful with my words, intentions and any questions I ask to ensure I am not falling back into old ways alongside with medicine I take daily to keep anxiety in check.

Forward to August, I moved to be with him in his home country living together in his apartment. He started University at the end of August and things have been incredibly difficult between us. Ever since I came here, things don’t feel right and I don’t know if it’s just me and being irrational/anxious due to mental health or if this is a genuine issue that shouldn’t be ignored.

He’s been going to a lot of events and making new friends, going out a lot and doing general uni activities. This wouldn’t be a problem but I feel he never wants to make time for me or spend time with me, I don’t feel important or feel like I’m a priority. At the beginning of University I understood he was busy as he was participating in the newcomer activities and establishing a social circle. However, it’s been incredibly difficult to not worry about things, he very rarely tells me what he’s doing, what his plans are, if he’s even coming home or not. He will point blank refuse to answer my questions as he believes they’re of controlling nature or me being manipulative, when I am genuinely just interested in what his plans are. (E.G. Do you have any plans this weekend?) He will then tell me they make him feel bad and goes distant from hours to maybe days on end.

Forwarding to the last few weeks to now, things have gotten progressively worse. I’ve been incredibly lonely here as due to social security number issues I haven’t been able to start setting up my own life here and haven’t had the opportunities to meet new people because of finances, lack of job offers etc. So I’ve been reliant on spending time with him whenever he can as all I do is clean, cook, play video games and occasionally go to the store, however this has became problematic as he can never commit to something with me. I can ask a week, month or whatever I’m advance and he will always say “I don’t know what I’m doing that day” “I don’t know if I’ll want to go out with friends”, this really hurts me as I feel that surely he can make a plan with me and work around that instead of me having to wait for him last minute every-time for him to decide if he wants to spend time with me. I even had to practically beg him to spend time with me on my birthday and the day after my birthday.

A week ago I wanted to make us a nice meal and have a date night style evening at home, after one of his exams as I thought it’d be nice for him to wind down after a stressful day. He said he wasn’t sure as he may have wanted to go out, he told me if not Friday then definitely Saturday, I asked him throughout the week if he knew yet, as I wanted to get things prepared on the day, cleaning, cooking, setting up a nice romantic setting (candles etc). But he got mad at me for asking and told me to not ask any further and he won’t know until after the exam, so I’d have an hour max to get everything prepared if he came home afterwards. After the exam, he told me he was still “undecided” and was seeing if he was “feeling being out”, I was waiting around for him and called him a few times as it was getting late and I needed to know if I could eat alone or not. He got mad at me for calling him and this caused friction for the entire weekend, he was distant, cold, snapped at me a lot and we didn’t end up having a proper romantic night at all.

So I’ve been asking him this week to make plans with me, to go for a meal or whatever. But again, the same answers about not knowing what his plans were, I feel like I’m in constant limbo, I never have concrete plans with him and I’m too scared to ask him anything about anything as it could cause an argument/animosity at any moment. He’s constantly off/distant towards me, very rarely affectionate, snaps at me a lot when he’s playing games on his pc, he never apologises for the shitty things he does towards me, tells me he doesn’t care, that he doesn’t “like me” and has called me a lot of names and threatened to leave me many times. I know he has a lot of resentment/anger towards me for the controlling things I’ve done and the things I currently do that upset him (ask a question he doesn’t like/call him when he’s out etc.) but idk if that makes it ok? I know I was terrible towards him, I feel massive guilt everyday and would do anything to go back and change it. I feel guilty for even typing this out as I don’t want to seem like I’m shit talking him, but my head is in such a messy place, I don’t know if I’m seeing things wrong.

TLDR: It’s been incredibly difficult to make plans with my partner to spend time together, a lot of other issues regarding distance, lack of affection etc. Am I seeing clearly?

Submitted November 03, 2019 at 11:44PM

I will give a little background as it may or may not be relevant. Me (29F) and my partner (23M) have been together for over 3 years now. At the beginning, I was terrible, I was controlling, manipulative and allowing my mental health to dictate and rule both me and him. My anxiety was centred towards other women, the idea that he was going to cheat on me, hurt me and abandon me etc etc. I really did hurt him a lot with my behaviours and I’m incredibly ashamed of it and have worked hard to change it. I can admit I put him through hell and have no idea why or how he stuck by me throughout all I put him through. Overtime I got better, significantly, I don’t have any of my controlling behaviours anymore, I ensure I’m careful with my words, intentions and any questions I ask to ensure I am not falling back into old ways alongside with medicine I take daily to keep anxiety in check.Forward to August, I moved to be with him in his home country living together in his apartment. He started University at the end of August and things have been incredibly difficult between us. Ever since I came here, things don’t feel right and I don’t know if it’s just me and being irrational/anxious due to mental health or if this is a genuine issue that shouldn’t be ignored.He’s been going to a lot of events and making new friends, going out a lot and doing general uni activities. This wouldn’t be a problem but I feel he never wants to make time for me or spend time with me, I don’t feel important or feel like I’m a priority. At the beginning of University I understood he was busy as he was participating in the newcomer activities and establishing a social circle. However, it’s been incredibly difficult to not worry about things, he very rarely tells me what he’s doing, what his plans are, if he’s even coming home or not. He will point blank refuse to answer my questions as he believes they’re of controlling nature or me being manipulative, when I am genuinely just interested in what his plans are. (E.G. Do you have any plans this weekend?) He will then tell me they make him feel bad and goes distant from hours to maybe days on end.Forwarding to the last few weeks to now, things have gotten progressively worse. I’ve been incredibly lonely here as due to social security number issues I haven’t been able to start setting up my own life here and haven’t had the opportunities to meet new people because of finances, lack of job offers etc. So I’ve been reliant on spending time with him whenever he can as all I do is clean, cook, play video games and occasionally go to the store, however this has became problematic as he can never commit to something with me. I can ask a week, month or whatever I’m advance and he will always say “I don’t know what I’m doing that day” “I don’t know if I’ll want to go out with friends”, this really hurts me as I feel that surely he can make a plan with me and work around that instead of me having to wait for him last minute every-time for him to decide if he wants to spend time with me. I even had to practically beg him to spend time with me on my birthday and the day after my birthday.A week ago I wanted to make us a nice meal and have a date night style evening at home, after one of his exams as I thought it’d be nice for him to wind down after a stressful day. He said he wasn’t sure as he may have wanted to go out, he told me if not Friday then definitely Saturday, I asked him throughout the week if he knew yet, as I wanted to get things prepared on the day, cleaning, cooking, setting up a nice romantic setting (candles etc). But he got mad at me for asking and told me to not ask any further and he won’t know until after the exam, so I’d have an hour max to get everything prepared if he came home afterwards. After the exam, he told me he was still “undecided” and was seeing if he was “feeling being out”, I was waiting around for him and called him a few times as it was getting late and I needed to know if I could eat alone or not. He got mad at me for calling him and this caused friction for the entire weekend, he was distant, cold, snapped at me a lot and we didn’t end up having a proper romantic night at all.So I’ve been asking him this week to make plans with me, to go for a meal or whatever. But again, the same answers about not knowing what his plans were, I feel like I’m in constant limbo, I never have concrete plans with him and I’m too scared to ask him anything about anything as it could cause an argument/animosity at any moment. He’s constantly off/distant towards me, very rarely affectionate, snaps at me a lot when he’s playing games on his pc, he never apologises for the shitty things he does towards me, tells me he doesn’t care, that he doesn’t “like me” and has called me a lot of names and threatened to leave me many times. I know he has a lot of resentment/anger towards me for the controlling things I’ve done and the things I currently do that upset him (ask a question he doesn’t like/call him when he’s out etc.) but idk if that makes it ok? I know I was terrible towards him, I feel massive guilt everyday and would do anything to go back and change it. I feel guilty for even typing this out as I don’t want to seem like I’m shit talking him, but my head is in such a messy place, I don’t know if I’m seeing things wrong.TLDR: It’s been incredibly difficult to make plans with my partner to spend time together, a lot of other issues regarding distance, lack of affection etc. Am I seeing clearly?